So today will not be just about my bible study. For those of you who know me I can have a temper and it isn't a pretty one. I admit this and I am going to God and working on it. This morning I ended up having a major temper snap and just broke and then after a few minutes I started crying (couldn't stop) and shaking.
But when I was in that temper snap all I wanted to do was jump in the car, grab a TON of food and run away, oh and quite the bible study as well. I was DONE! I was done learning what God wants me to learn, done trying to muddle through understanding my bible study. I was just done! I have been saying that a lot lately though huh? Well I think that is because God IS changing things in my life and right now is that time where he is dragging me by my heals.
I naturally don't like doing what people tell me to do (you can ask my mom!) and so when I am supposed to start applying things from my bible study or when I read the bible apply things I learn from there. I don't want to do it! I like doing my thing in my time without anyone telling me otherwise. So I am having to go before God (dragging my feet, bottom lip sticking out and generally resentful/unhappy) and asking him to help me change that. I am thankful God isn't me because by now I would have thrown myself out on my substantial behind and said good riddance!
Today in my bible study they where talking about "drinking" from the Living Water (or Jesus). Also about sustaining from any other "fountains" we might be tempted to go to. That is HARD because food isn't my only fountain. I have many I drink from sometimes and God wants me to give them all up? Oh boy this is setting in for a fight...good thing God is loving and tough. I had to be honest and say yes I do want to give those up but am I really ready? Okay now who is ever REALLY ready to give those things up? Probably not many people or maybe there are but I know for me some I struggle with.
I know I am rambling and kind of going all over the place in this post so if you stuck along thank you. I feel like I learn nothing sometimes when I do my study, I put in the right words or answers but is it really affecting my life? Well I...I..I...I it is always the letter I that gets put there. So instead of relying on me knowing this I am trusting God. He brought this study into my life, so I know he has plans for it and is using it.
I have questioned and asked myself why God let me go through with Take Shape For Life, looking back it was a bad idea and I fell hard and fast from my man made pedestal. But you know if I never saw how futile and short lived man made things can be I wouldn't have gone to God. So it sucked, it hurt and I am not finished yet but looking back I see the purpose. God did it not to hurt me but to bring me closer to him, with the love and discipline of a Father he let me go down that path.
Today I ask that as God brings me through my anger, my stubborn unwillingness to listen and whatever else I am doing...that I would be yielding and listen. My heart would continue to change and I would put away things I used to do in replacement of drinking from Jesus. It is easier said than done and I can guarantee I will fail at times. Pray that not only I but other people would start to see the fruit in my life because of this. I want to be a light that shines for God, I am still a bit dingy and dull :).
Justine
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