Oh conviction how I am beginning to hate thee. Today was a "I really don't want to do my bible study day" partly because I am tired. I am tired of being convicted about certain things I enjoy having, such as my sugar free hot chocolate at night. But now I am beginning to question if that is still yet another thing I am putting before God. Which might sound a bit silly but I still question it.
Today I saw my nasty side come out with my mom. Not proud of it and I even cussed under my breath about her, again not proud of that. I felt immediate conviction over that and I DIDN'T LIKE IT! I wanted God to leave me alone at that moment because I was MAD and P.O'd at her. But nope he was poking at me, you know the kind of poke I mean? That "Is that REALLY what God would want you to do" or "Are you going to God and asking for patience, understanding or just grace toward your mom right now?". I hate it when God is right, which he always is so sometimes I hate a lot *laughs*.
My one thing I have been doing during this bible study is coming to God with the down and dirty. If I am MAD at him, ANGRY at him or just INFURIATED with what he is asking me to do? Well gosh darn it I let him know in no uncertain terms! And then I go and try to do what he asked me to do *laughs*, yes sometimes I grumble under my breath or feel resentment. But God is slowly working on my heart about that.
This whole study is about letting go of the food sin in your life. I never realized that was a problem in mine but I have made food my god. I am not proud of it and I never saw it but now looking back food has controlled my entire life, in a good way or a bad way but control it did.
I really fell this past year even to the point I had to quit my job, cut off certain friends and become a hermit. I want to write a post about what exactly happened but I don't think I am ready yet and I need to gather my thoughts. But lets just say that God has been working on breaking me down and disciplining me for going my own way this past year. He wanted me so broken, so fallen and so in despair that all I could do was go crawling to him. That doesn't sound like a very loving Father or loving God, but it was the best thing he could do for me. He knew what I needed, I didn't and still in some ways don't. But he knew in order to bring me back that is where he had to take me.
I don't know how tomorrow will look, I don't know what struggle will lay in my way, I don't know if suddenly I will be released from my sin of addiction to food. I just know that God is there, he knows my path and I can rest in that. I don't have to love it, I don't even have to LIKE it but I do need to submit to it.
So God I am trying to submit to your will, you made me and you know just how STUBBORN, PRIDEFUL and WILLFUL I can get. But I figure you also know just how to work in my life so I become yielding, humble and obedient.
As always pray for me, pray that as God works at breaking me down I stay with him. I continue to not only be convicted but repent and turn away from those false idols in my life or just those things I do to sin against others. God bless!
Justine
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