Day 4 finds me here....I just finished my 4th course of my Bible Study. I admit some of it I am struggling to understand and I am seeing just how much I don't know of the bible.
Today has been a hard day, but a good day. I haven't felt as convicted but I do feel VERY out of my element and not sure how to proceed. So I am trying to focus just on Godly things and not worldly things.
This morning started out with my parents leaving for 4 days which means I am doing all the chores and handling the house on my own. Which normally is fine but also when they go away is when I allow myself to let go and eat whatever my heart desires so this is difficult not doing that.
This morning as I milked and fed babies I cranked up some of my favorite Christian artists and just sang along. Even though the kids where screaming to be fed while I milked (normally I feed before milking but it didn't happen that way this morning) I stayed calm. When it came to feeding the kids I didn't stress and I took my time (again still had music playing) and little Diva even climbed into my lap for some cuddles. I felt like Diva was God's way of giving me a little moment of peace amidst the craziness of bottle feeding.
Today is a fasting day for me and normally I become like the Grinch is my blood sugar gets low. But today I told myself I am feasting on the Lord and on his word, so I did exactly that. I spent time talking to him during my errands and explaining EXACTLY where I was coming from. I prayed to him and asked him for guidance on this journey.
I was amazed that I haven't been grouchy really once and I had more energy than I thought. I was actually excited this morning to see how God would use this fasting period today. I have tried to not only fast from food but from things I would normally partake in to take my mind off being hungry. So I am only allowing myself to listen to Christian music, trying to stay away from the computer to watch shows (or movies on the TV) and listen only to sermons or something to do with the bible.
I spent time reading Romans today and attempting to understand what Paul was talking about, I did have a few "Aha!" moments though in light of things it was stuff I should have known already. I am getting ready to head out and start milking for the evening but first I plan on downloading a sermon to listen to, I also plan on instead of watching a movie or a TV show tonight either spending more time in my bible or listening to some more sermons.
I am trying really hard to not only come at this from the right place but be open with God and telling him where I am coming from, letting him work in my heart and change my heart. Because I know that I alone can't do it, I need his strength. Today it talked about fasting in my bible study and the entire reason for it (well not the ENTIRE reason but you know what I mean) as well as how to do it properly. I debated on saying if I had fasted today or not because I didn't want to draw attention to myself or how "strong" I am for doing it. Because honestly I am weak and if I wasn't spending every moment focusing on God I would be running for that fridge. So all props go to God and him keeping me filled.
That is it for today...I feel like I hardly had anything to say about what I learned because honestly I am asking myself what I learned :(. But I feel my heart slowly shifting, changing course. That is something and I did learn that to feel hunger pains is good, I want to not ignore them but use them as a reminder to go to God. Because without God I am nothing...and food will continue to have a hold on me.
Justine
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