Okay so I am really far behind, I apologize. Life got busy for a while and I didn't have the mental capacity to form proper words or sentences. A recap of sorts...
So I don't remember what lesson it was but it was a few days after I stopped writing my daily blogs. I was out in the barn feeding kids, it was late (like almost 9pm) and I was by myself just exhausted. This next part is me being TOTALLY candid with y'all...I was SO upset and frustrated with the kids and I had my good jeans on I ended up taking them off and feeding in my skivvies and jacket. The reason I am including this rather personal information is because it is important what happened next.
I was getting mad with the kids and getting a little rough before bursting into tears and screaming "I can't do this!". What I couldn't do at that time is still a slight mystery but I think I can sum it up. I was tired, exhausted, the kids where being brats, it was LATE and I wanted a frigging cookie or something I shouldn't have! I was tired of my stupid bible study forcing me to face my sinful human nature, I didn't want to see just how sinful I am or do what God was asking me to do. I was done, finished, stick a fork in me I am cooked.
I fell to my knees in the barn (can you say COLD and ouch...concrete dude) and cried out to God. I felt so broken and I just couldn't do it anymore. But you know what? For the first time in a long time I felt closer to God. I felt him whispering in my heart "You can't but I can". It has been a walk of faith since then.
Some days are HARD! I just want to give up and run away when I feel convicted over something. I have been asking God daily to convict me, humble me and break me. Which is an odd request but you see I want to be so empty of myself that only God can make it whole again. I want to do a 180 on my sin and turn towards God.
Today is a fast day and boy do I see my sin nature coming out! I am grouchy, irritable and impatient. It has nothing to do with low blood sugar or not getting food but everything to do with I am not giving in to what my body wants. I am trying to honor God and walk a different path, it is HARD. I don't like it a lot of the days and I tell God EXACTLY why I don't like it or what I think of him working in my life.
I figure I am at least having open and honest communication with God ;). Seriously though this bible study has been good, like I said before one of the HARDEST things I have done but worth it. I am being forced to face how I have viewed God for so long. I struggled with thinking how selfish God was and being angry at everything needing to be about him. What about me? I used to think...well kids I am slowly learning that God isn't a man. He doesn't think like a man, he doesn't act like a man and he most CERTAINLY isn't sinful like a man.
I am being humbled by learning just how much he has done for me. Just what it meant that even though I sinned against him he loved me enough to get me back. That is a sour pill to swallow, to understand if he had been a man I would be left to rot, nothing I could have done would have saved me from his wrath. I am seeing who he is with new eyes and learning just how much power he has over me and everything else.
I learned that only because of God was I given a repentant heart, I never would have gone to him if he hadn't given me that spirit or that longing. How shameful that is to know that, all this time I thought it was me and my will or my strength. So in this long winded way I am being taught a lot of different things. I don't know how long it will take for me to fully understand them but I am trying. Some days like I said I want to run screaming the other way but God is faithful and draws me back.
Pray for me, pray that God breaks me, humbles me and convicts me. But also pray that I would feel his love, compassion and grace as I am walking through these deep valleys and hard roads. They are not easy and I know if it wasn't for God I would never had the courage to start let alone keep going.
God bless you all!
Justine
No comments:
Post a Comment