So today will not be just about my bible study. For those of you who know me I can have a temper and it isn't a pretty one. I admit this and I am going to God and working on it. This morning I ended up having a major temper snap and just broke and then after a few minutes I started crying (couldn't stop) and shaking.
But when I was in that temper snap all I wanted to do was jump in the car, grab a TON of food and run away, oh and quite the bible study as well. I was DONE! I was done learning what God wants me to learn, done trying to muddle through understanding my bible study. I was just done! I have been saying that a lot lately though huh? Well I think that is because God IS changing things in my life and right now is that time where he is dragging me by my heals.
I naturally don't like doing what people tell me to do (you can ask my mom!) and so when I am supposed to start applying things from my bible study or when I read the bible apply things I learn from there. I don't want to do it! I like doing my thing in my time without anyone telling me otherwise. So I am having to go before God (dragging my feet, bottom lip sticking out and generally resentful/unhappy) and asking him to help me change that. I am thankful God isn't me because by now I would have thrown myself out on my substantial behind and said good riddance!
Today in my bible study they where talking about "drinking" from the Living Water (or Jesus). Also about sustaining from any other "fountains" we might be tempted to go to. That is HARD because food isn't my only fountain. I have many I drink from sometimes and God wants me to give them all up? Oh boy this is setting in for a fight...good thing God is loving and tough. I had to be honest and say yes I do want to give those up but am I really ready? Okay now who is ever REALLY ready to give those things up? Probably not many people or maybe there are but I know for me some I struggle with.
I know I am rambling and kind of going all over the place in this post so if you stuck along thank you. I feel like I learn nothing sometimes when I do my study, I put in the right words or answers but is it really affecting my life? Well I...I..I...I it is always the letter I that gets put there. So instead of relying on me knowing this I am trusting God. He brought this study into my life, so I know he has plans for it and is using it.
I have questioned and asked myself why God let me go through with Take Shape For Life, looking back it was a bad idea and I fell hard and fast from my man made pedestal. But you know if I never saw how futile and short lived man made things can be I wouldn't have gone to God. So it sucked, it hurt and I am not finished yet but looking back I see the purpose. God did it not to hurt me but to bring me closer to him, with the love and discipline of a Father he let me go down that path.
Today I ask that as God brings me through my anger, my stubborn unwillingness to listen and whatever else I am doing...that I would be yielding and listen. My heart would continue to change and I would put away things I used to do in replacement of drinking from Jesus. It is easier said than done and I can guarantee I will fail at times. Pray that not only I but other people would start to see the fruit in my life because of this. I want to be a light that shines for God, I am still a bit dingy and dull :).
Justine
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Friday, April 25, 2014
Day 19 of Daily Bible Study
Oh conviction how I am beginning to hate thee. Today was a "I really don't want to do my bible study day" partly because I am tired. I am tired of being convicted about certain things I enjoy having, such as my sugar free hot chocolate at night. But now I am beginning to question if that is still yet another thing I am putting before God. Which might sound a bit silly but I still question it.
Today I saw my nasty side come out with my mom. Not proud of it and I even cussed under my breath about her, again not proud of that. I felt immediate conviction over that and I DIDN'T LIKE IT! I wanted God to leave me alone at that moment because I was MAD and P.O'd at her. But nope he was poking at me, you know the kind of poke I mean? That "Is that REALLY what God would want you to do" or "Are you going to God and asking for patience, understanding or just grace toward your mom right now?". I hate it when God is right, which he always is so sometimes I hate a lot *laughs*.
My one thing I have been doing during this bible study is coming to God with the down and dirty. If I am MAD at him, ANGRY at him or just INFURIATED with what he is asking me to do? Well gosh darn it I let him know in no uncertain terms! And then I go and try to do what he asked me to do *laughs*, yes sometimes I grumble under my breath or feel resentment. But God is slowly working on my heart about that.
This whole study is about letting go of the food sin in your life. I never realized that was a problem in mine but I have made food my god. I am not proud of it and I never saw it but now looking back food has controlled my entire life, in a good way or a bad way but control it did.
I really fell this past year even to the point I had to quit my job, cut off certain friends and become a hermit. I want to write a post about what exactly happened but I don't think I am ready yet and I need to gather my thoughts. But lets just say that God has been working on breaking me down and disciplining me for going my own way this past year. He wanted me so broken, so fallen and so in despair that all I could do was go crawling to him. That doesn't sound like a very loving Father or loving God, but it was the best thing he could do for me. He knew what I needed, I didn't and still in some ways don't. But he knew in order to bring me back that is where he had to take me.
I don't know how tomorrow will look, I don't know what struggle will lay in my way, I don't know if suddenly I will be released from my sin of addiction to food. I just know that God is there, he knows my path and I can rest in that. I don't have to love it, I don't even have to LIKE it but I do need to submit to it.
So God I am trying to submit to your will, you made me and you know just how STUBBORN, PRIDEFUL and WILLFUL I can get. But I figure you also know just how to work in my life so I become yielding, humble and obedient.
As always pray for me, pray that as God works at breaking me down I stay with him. I continue to not only be convicted but repent and turn away from those false idols in my life or just those things I do to sin against others. God bless!
Justine
Today I saw my nasty side come out with my mom. Not proud of it and I even cussed under my breath about her, again not proud of that. I felt immediate conviction over that and I DIDN'T LIKE IT! I wanted God to leave me alone at that moment because I was MAD and P.O'd at her. But nope he was poking at me, you know the kind of poke I mean? That "Is that REALLY what God would want you to do" or "Are you going to God and asking for patience, understanding or just grace toward your mom right now?". I hate it when God is right, which he always is so sometimes I hate a lot *laughs*.
My one thing I have been doing during this bible study is coming to God with the down and dirty. If I am MAD at him, ANGRY at him or just INFURIATED with what he is asking me to do? Well gosh darn it I let him know in no uncertain terms! And then I go and try to do what he asked me to do *laughs*, yes sometimes I grumble under my breath or feel resentment. But God is slowly working on my heart about that.
This whole study is about letting go of the food sin in your life. I never realized that was a problem in mine but I have made food my god. I am not proud of it and I never saw it but now looking back food has controlled my entire life, in a good way or a bad way but control it did.
I really fell this past year even to the point I had to quit my job, cut off certain friends and become a hermit. I want to write a post about what exactly happened but I don't think I am ready yet and I need to gather my thoughts. But lets just say that God has been working on breaking me down and disciplining me for going my own way this past year. He wanted me so broken, so fallen and so in despair that all I could do was go crawling to him. That doesn't sound like a very loving Father or loving God, but it was the best thing he could do for me. He knew what I needed, I didn't and still in some ways don't. But he knew in order to bring me back that is where he had to take me.
I don't know how tomorrow will look, I don't know what struggle will lay in my way, I don't know if suddenly I will be released from my sin of addiction to food. I just know that God is there, he knows my path and I can rest in that. I don't have to love it, I don't even have to LIKE it but I do need to submit to it.
So God I am trying to submit to your will, you made me and you know just how STUBBORN, PRIDEFUL and WILLFUL I can get. But I figure you also know just how to work in my life so I become yielding, humble and obedient.
As always pray for me, pray that as God works at breaking me down I stay with him. I continue to not only be convicted but repent and turn away from those false idols in my life or just those things I do to sin against others. God bless!
Justine
Thursday, April 24, 2014
Day 18 of daily Bible Study
Okay so I am really far behind, I apologize. Life got busy for a while and I didn't have the mental capacity to form proper words or sentences. A recap of sorts...
So I don't remember what lesson it was but it was a few days after I stopped writing my daily blogs. I was out in the barn feeding kids, it was late (like almost 9pm) and I was by myself just exhausted. This next part is me being TOTALLY candid with y'all...I was SO upset and frustrated with the kids and I had my good jeans on I ended up taking them off and feeding in my skivvies and jacket. The reason I am including this rather personal information is because it is important what happened next.
I was getting mad with the kids and getting a little rough before bursting into tears and screaming "I can't do this!". What I couldn't do at that time is still a slight mystery but I think I can sum it up. I was tired, exhausted, the kids where being brats, it was LATE and I wanted a frigging cookie or something I shouldn't have! I was tired of my stupid bible study forcing me to face my sinful human nature, I didn't want to see just how sinful I am or do what God was asking me to do. I was done, finished, stick a fork in me I am cooked.
I fell to my knees in the barn (can you say COLD and ouch...concrete dude) and cried out to God. I felt so broken and I just couldn't do it anymore. But you know what? For the first time in a long time I felt closer to God. I felt him whispering in my heart "You can't but I can". It has been a walk of faith since then.
Some days are HARD! I just want to give up and run away when I feel convicted over something. I have been asking God daily to convict me, humble me and break me. Which is an odd request but you see I want to be so empty of myself that only God can make it whole again. I want to do a 180 on my sin and turn towards God.
Today is a fast day and boy do I see my sin nature coming out! I am grouchy, irritable and impatient. It has nothing to do with low blood sugar or not getting food but everything to do with I am not giving in to what my body wants. I am trying to honor God and walk a different path, it is HARD. I don't like it a lot of the days and I tell God EXACTLY why I don't like it or what I think of him working in my life.
I figure I am at least having open and honest communication with God ;). Seriously though this bible study has been good, like I said before one of the HARDEST things I have done but worth it. I am being forced to face how I have viewed God for so long. I struggled with thinking how selfish God was and being angry at everything needing to be about him. What about me? I used to think...well kids I am slowly learning that God isn't a man. He doesn't think like a man, he doesn't act like a man and he most CERTAINLY isn't sinful like a man.
I am being humbled by learning just how much he has done for me. Just what it meant that even though I sinned against him he loved me enough to get me back. That is a sour pill to swallow, to understand if he had been a man I would be left to rot, nothing I could have done would have saved me from his wrath. I am seeing who he is with new eyes and learning just how much power he has over me and everything else.
I learned that only because of God was I given a repentant heart, I never would have gone to him if he hadn't given me that spirit or that longing. How shameful that is to know that, all this time I thought it was me and my will or my strength. So in this long winded way I am being taught a lot of different things. I don't know how long it will take for me to fully understand them but I am trying. Some days like I said I want to run screaming the other way but God is faithful and draws me back.
Pray for me, pray that God breaks me, humbles me and convicts me. But also pray that I would feel his love, compassion and grace as I am walking through these deep valleys and hard roads. They are not easy and I know if it wasn't for God I would never had the courage to start let alone keep going.
God bless you all!
Justine
So I don't remember what lesson it was but it was a few days after I stopped writing my daily blogs. I was out in the barn feeding kids, it was late (like almost 9pm) and I was by myself just exhausted. This next part is me being TOTALLY candid with y'all...I was SO upset and frustrated with the kids and I had my good jeans on I ended up taking them off and feeding in my skivvies and jacket. The reason I am including this rather personal information is because it is important what happened next.
I was getting mad with the kids and getting a little rough before bursting into tears and screaming "I can't do this!". What I couldn't do at that time is still a slight mystery but I think I can sum it up. I was tired, exhausted, the kids where being brats, it was LATE and I wanted a frigging cookie or something I shouldn't have! I was tired of my stupid bible study forcing me to face my sinful human nature, I didn't want to see just how sinful I am or do what God was asking me to do. I was done, finished, stick a fork in me I am cooked.
I fell to my knees in the barn (can you say COLD and ouch...concrete dude) and cried out to God. I felt so broken and I just couldn't do it anymore. But you know what? For the first time in a long time I felt closer to God. I felt him whispering in my heart "You can't but I can". It has been a walk of faith since then.
Some days are HARD! I just want to give up and run away when I feel convicted over something. I have been asking God daily to convict me, humble me and break me. Which is an odd request but you see I want to be so empty of myself that only God can make it whole again. I want to do a 180 on my sin and turn towards God.
Today is a fast day and boy do I see my sin nature coming out! I am grouchy, irritable and impatient. It has nothing to do with low blood sugar or not getting food but everything to do with I am not giving in to what my body wants. I am trying to honor God and walk a different path, it is HARD. I don't like it a lot of the days and I tell God EXACTLY why I don't like it or what I think of him working in my life.
I figure I am at least having open and honest communication with God ;). Seriously though this bible study has been good, like I said before one of the HARDEST things I have done but worth it. I am being forced to face how I have viewed God for so long. I struggled with thinking how selfish God was and being angry at everything needing to be about him. What about me? I used to think...well kids I am slowly learning that God isn't a man. He doesn't think like a man, he doesn't act like a man and he most CERTAINLY isn't sinful like a man.
I am being humbled by learning just how much he has done for me. Just what it meant that even though I sinned against him he loved me enough to get me back. That is a sour pill to swallow, to understand if he had been a man I would be left to rot, nothing I could have done would have saved me from his wrath. I am seeing who he is with new eyes and learning just how much power he has over me and everything else.
I learned that only because of God was I given a repentant heart, I never would have gone to him if he hadn't given me that spirit or that longing. How shameful that is to know that, all this time I thought it was me and my will or my strength. So in this long winded way I am being taught a lot of different things. I don't know how long it will take for me to fully understand them but I am trying. Some days like I said I want to run screaming the other way but God is faithful and draws me back.
Pray for me, pray that God breaks me, humbles me and convicts me. But also pray that I would feel his love, compassion and grace as I am walking through these deep valleys and hard roads. They are not easy and I know if it wasn't for God I would never had the courage to start let alone keep going.
God bless you all!
Justine
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Friday, April 11, 2014
Day 5 of my 60 day Bible Study
FREE! I FEEL FREE! Today's lesson was mainly on how our "taste not, touch not" attitude towards many foods is a very human driven way of looking. It is not Godly in the least (though sometimes for health reasons obviously you don't partake in eating certain things) but truly we where meant to eat all things.
BUT the key to this is in moderation, I know for me that was a HUGE issue. And heaven forbid if I had something on my "naughty" list, I beat myself up like crazy if I did that. My big thing was I would be a glutton and go nuts, partly because I figured go big or go home if I was going to be "bad". But now I see just how wrong and ungodly that thought process was. I mean yeah some foods are just plain not good for you (processed foods much? or fast food?) but if we partake once in a while in it that is okay. We must do so in a thankful manner and use moderation as our guide but it isn't "wrong" to do so.
What a freeing feeling that was to learn in this lesson. Before I would hold SO tight to my self control and pat myself on the back for being so "good". Man I was a prideful person at that time...and even now I find myself reverting back to that way of thinking. It is funny because in just about every single diet there is the "taste not, touch not" list. Some of them get pretty frigging nuts let me tell you.
I know for me and my body I have to be careful about carbohydrates and sugars because my body naturally craves them. BUT I am now starting to question that thought process, because God himself designed my body and God himself says we are to partake in all foods. I am excited to find out just how I change and what kind of new found freedom I will have at the end of this journey. My body will still do the same thing and react the same way but that doesn't mean I have to give in. I have God on my side and I don't have to give into the sin like I did before.
What a different way to look at things...and so weird considering what I was being taught before. But truly by reading the versus it brings the truth to life. The food itself is never what made me fat (well in the literal sense it did...) but it was my gluttony that did so. If I hadn't over eaten or gone just all out bat snot crazy eating the stuff I did it wouldn't have happened. Such a weird thing to consider...because I always blamed the bad, mean nasty food but in reality it was a innocent bystander to my inhibitions.
Food for thought....eh eh? See what I did there...haha I crack myself up :). Okay not really but I thought it was clever....
Justine
PS: I love how my cat cuddles with me each time I sit down to do my Bible Study. God blessed me richly when he brought her into my life. He knew I would need a little crazy cat like her to make me smile and remind me just how AMAZING and GOOD God is :).
BUT the key to this is in moderation, I know for me that was a HUGE issue. And heaven forbid if I had something on my "naughty" list, I beat myself up like crazy if I did that. My big thing was I would be a glutton and go nuts, partly because I figured go big or go home if I was going to be "bad". But now I see just how wrong and ungodly that thought process was. I mean yeah some foods are just plain not good for you (processed foods much? or fast food?) but if we partake once in a while in it that is okay. We must do so in a thankful manner and use moderation as our guide but it isn't "wrong" to do so.
What a freeing feeling that was to learn in this lesson. Before I would hold SO tight to my self control and pat myself on the back for being so "good". Man I was a prideful person at that time...and even now I find myself reverting back to that way of thinking. It is funny because in just about every single diet there is the "taste not, touch not" list. Some of them get pretty frigging nuts let me tell you.
I know for me and my body I have to be careful about carbohydrates and sugars because my body naturally craves them. BUT I am now starting to question that thought process, because God himself designed my body and God himself says we are to partake in all foods. I am excited to find out just how I change and what kind of new found freedom I will have at the end of this journey. My body will still do the same thing and react the same way but that doesn't mean I have to give in. I have God on my side and I don't have to give into the sin like I did before.
What a different way to look at things...and so weird considering what I was being taught before. But truly by reading the versus it brings the truth to life. The food itself is never what made me fat (well in the literal sense it did...) but it was my gluttony that did so. If I hadn't over eaten or gone just all out bat snot crazy eating the stuff I did it wouldn't have happened. Such a weird thing to consider...because I always blamed the bad, mean nasty food but in reality it was a innocent bystander to my inhibitions.
Food for thought....eh eh? See what I did there...haha I crack myself up :). Okay not really but I thought it was clever....
Justine
PS: I love how my cat cuddles with me each time I sit down to do my Bible Study. God blessed me richly when he brought her into my life. He knew I would need a little crazy cat like her to make me smile and remind me just how AMAZING and GOOD God is :).
Thursday, April 10, 2014
Day 4 of my 60 day Bible Study
Day 4 finds me here....I just finished my 4th course of my Bible Study. I admit some of it I am struggling to understand and I am seeing just how much I don't know of the bible.
Today has been a hard day, but a good day. I haven't felt as convicted but I do feel VERY out of my element and not sure how to proceed. So I am trying to focus just on Godly things and not worldly things.
This morning started out with my parents leaving for 4 days which means I am doing all the chores and handling the house on my own. Which normally is fine but also when they go away is when I allow myself to let go and eat whatever my heart desires so this is difficult not doing that.
This morning as I milked and fed babies I cranked up some of my favorite Christian artists and just sang along. Even though the kids where screaming to be fed while I milked (normally I feed before milking but it didn't happen that way this morning) I stayed calm. When it came to feeding the kids I didn't stress and I took my time (again still had music playing) and little Diva even climbed into my lap for some cuddles. I felt like Diva was God's way of giving me a little moment of peace amidst the craziness of bottle feeding.
Today is a fasting day for me and normally I become like the Grinch is my blood sugar gets low. But today I told myself I am feasting on the Lord and on his word, so I did exactly that. I spent time talking to him during my errands and explaining EXACTLY where I was coming from. I prayed to him and asked him for guidance on this journey.
I was amazed that I haven't been grouchy really once and I had more energy than I thought. I was actually excited this morning to see how God would use this fasting period today. I have tried to not only fast from food but from things I would normally partake in to take my mind off being hungry. So I am only allowing myself to listen to Christian music, trying to stay away from the computer to watch shows (or movies on the TV) and listen only to sermons or something to do with the bible.
I spent time reading Romans today and attempting to understand what Paul was talking about, I did have a few "Aha!" moments though in light of things it was stuff I should have known already. I am getting ready to head out and start milking for the evening but first I plan on downloading a sermon to listen to, I also plan on instead of watching a movie or a TV show tonight either spending more time in my bible or listening to some more sermons.
I am trying really hard to not only come at this from the right place but be open with God and telling him where I am coming from, letting him work in my heart and change my heart. Because I know that I alone can't do it, I need his strength. Today it talked about fasting in my bible study and the entire reason for it (well not the ENTIRE reason but you know what I mean) as well as how to do it properly. I debated on saying if I had fasted today or not because I didn't want to draw attention to myself or how "strong" I am for doing it. Because honestly I am weak and if I wasn't spending every moment focusing on God I would be running for that fridge. So all props go to God and him keeping me filled.
That is it for today...I feel like I hardly had anything to say about what I learned because honestly I am asking myself what I learned :(. But I feel my heart slowly shifting, changing course. That is something and I did learn that to feel hunger pains is good, I want to not ignore them but use them as a reminder to go to God. Because without God I am nothing...and food will continue to have a hold on me.
Justine
Today has been a hard day, but a good day. I haven't felt as convicted but I do feel VERY out of my element and not sure how to proceed. So I am trying to focus just on Godly things and not worldly things.
This morning started out with my parents leaving for 4 days which means I am doing all the chores and handling the house on my own. Which normally is fine but also when they go away is when I allow myself to let go and eat whatever my heart desires so this is difficult not doing that.
This morning as I milked and fed babies I cranked up some of my favorite Christian artists and just sang along. Even though the kids where screaming to be fed while I milked (normally I feed before milking but it didn't happen that way this morning) I stayed calm. When it came to feeding the kids I didn't stress and I took my time (again still had music playing) and little Diva even climbed into my lap for some cuddles. I felt like Diva was God's way of giving me a little moment of peace amidst the craziness of bottle feeding.
Today is a fasting day for me and normally I become like the Grinch is my blood sugar gets low. But today I told myself I am feasting on the Lord and on his word, so I did exactly that. I spent time talking to him during my errands and explaining EXACTLY where I was coming from. I prayed to him and asked him for guidance on this journey.
I was amazed that I haven't been grouchy really once and I had more energy than I thought. I was actually excited this morning to see how God would use this fasting period today. I have tried to not only fast from food but from things I would normally partake in to take my mind off being hungry. So I am only allowing myself to listen to Christian music, trying to stay away from the computer to watch shows (or movies on the TV) and listen only to sermons or something to do with the bible.
I spent time reading Romans today and attempting to understand what Paul was talking about, I did have a few "Aha!" moments though in light of things it was stuff I should have known already. I am getting ready to head out and start milking for the evening but first I plan on downloading a sermon to listen to, I also plan on instead of watching a movie or a TV show tonight either spending more time in my bible or listening to some more sermons.
I am trying really hard to not only come at this from the right place but be open with God and telling him where I am coming from, letting him work in my heart and change my heart. Because I know that I alone can't do it, I need his strength. Today it talked about fasting in my bible study and the entire reason for it (well not the ENTIRE reason but you know what I mean) as well as how to do it properly. I debated on saying if I had fasted today or not because I didn't want to draw attention to myself or how "strong" I am for doing it. Because honestly I am weak and if I wasn't spending every moment focusing on God I would be running for that fridge. So all props go to God and him keeping me filled.
That is it for today...I feel like I hardly had anything to say about what I learned because honestly I am asking myself what I learned :(. But I feel my heart slowly shifting, changing course. That is something and I did learn that to feel hunger pains is good, I want to not ignore them but use them as a reminder to go to God. Because without God I am nothing...and food will continue to have a hold on me.
Justine
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
Day 3 of my 60 day Bible Study
Wellll here we are on day 3 of my Bible Study. I found myself this afternoon actually wanting to run away upstairs for an hour to do my study. What did I learn today...I learned that God's word is sweeter than honey and it will fill us to the brim. I also learned that God will give us to our own passions, boy did he ever with me sometimes I am ashamed to admit.
I am struggling, I am struggling with understanding how it can be that we truly can be full just on God's word alone. Because as I sit here now I am HUNGRY and I am craving a ding dang darn cookie like none other. So I can't say I feel to full right now even after doing my bible study. But what I am is curious, I am curious as to what it means to feel full on the word of God.
I am also afraid, very very afraid of failing. Because I know myself very well and last night all I wanted to do was quit. Stop and go back to how I was before, not worrying about being a glutton or sinning (though still feeling bad and horrible). I wanted to erase what God had shown me and just go back to being that ignorant little sheep blindly walking off the path.
Yep that was me last night! Even now as I look towards tomorrow I find fear in my heart. Can I really do this? Will I really be set free? I don't have an answer for that because I know God is still working on my heart. And it HURTS! It hurts because he is convicting me of all my wrong doings and showing me things I really truly need to give up. I don't want to give them up but I need to, I don't like that feeling.
I don't like being told what to do by anyone really (yep stubborn old me!) but when God is CONVICTING you gosh the first thing you want to do is dig your heels in or turn tail and run. So I am sitting here between digging my heels in and running like a scared pup...saying "Okay God...show me".
I am just droning on now, but I guess what I am trying to say is I am not sure what I learned today. I felt like I read a few pieces of scripture I really didn't understand. Okay truth be told there is A LOT of scripture I don't understand. But this afternoon I actually wanted to, which is a start :).
Justine
My versus for the day
Submit to God and be at peace with him; in this way prosperity will come to you. Accept instruction from his mouth and lay up his words in your heart.If you return to the Almighty, you will be restored: If you remove wickedness far from your tent and assign your nuggets to the dust, your gold of Ophir to the rocks in the ravines, then the Almighty will be your gold, the choicest silver for you. Surely then you will find delight in the Almighty and will lift up your face to God. — Job 22:21-26
Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him. — Psalm 34:8
I am struggling, I am struggling with understanding how it can be that we truly can be full just on God's word alone. Because as I sit here now I am HUNGRY and I am craving a ding dang darn cookie like none other. So I can't say I feel to full right now even after doing my bible study. But what I am is curious, I am curious as to what it means to feel full on the word of God.
I am also afraid, very very afraid of failing. Because I know myself very well and last night all I wanted to do was quit. Stop and go back to how I was before, not worrying about being a glutton or sinning (though still feeling bad and horrible). I wanted to erase what God had shown me and just go back to being that ignorant little sheep blindly walking off the path.
Yep that was me last night! Even now as I look towards tomorrow I find fear in my heart. Can I really do this? Will I really be set free? I don't have an answer for that because I know God is still working on my heart. And it HURTS! It hurts because he is convicting me of all my wrong doings and showing me things I really truly need to give up. I don't want to give them up but I need to, I don't like that feeling.
I don't like being told what to do by anyone really (yep stubborn old me!) but when God is CONVICTING you gosh the first thing you want to do is dig your heels in or turn tail and run. So I am sitting here between digging my heels in and running like a scared pup...saying "Okay God...show me".
I am just droning on now, but I guess what I am trying to say is I am not sure what I learned today. I felt like I read a few pieces of scripture I really didn't understand. Okay truth be told there is A LOT of scripture I don't understand. But this afternoon I actually wanted to, which is a start :).
Justine
My versus for the day
Submit to God and be at peace with him; in this way prosperity will come to you. Accept instruction from his mouth and lay up his words in your heart.If you return to the Almighty, you will be restored: If you remove wickedness far from your tent and assign your nuggets to the dust, your gold of Ophir to the rocks in the ravines, then the Almighty will be your gold, the choicest silver for you. Surely then you will find delight in the Almighty and will lift up your face to God. — Job 22:21-26
Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him. — Psalm 34:8
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Day 2 of 60 day Bible Study
Hooooboy today was tough. During my lesson tonight I felt VERY convicted and started crying.
I was asked this question "Share your thoughts on Isaiah 55:2-3: "Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare. Give ear and come to me; hear me, that your soul may live." "
And this is my response to that.
"My thoughts...last year when I decided to start Take Shape For Life (medifast) I was excited. It was a sure fire way to get this weight off me and keep it off, I read all the books I was supposed to and I bought the food I needed to buy. I weighed everything out just like asked and the pounds started falling off.
But I spent my money on what was not "bread" and I labored on what didn't satisfy. I was skinny yes but I wasn't satisfied, I was always afraid of losing it. I stopped listening to my faith and to God and started listening to the world, I started turning to food more and more as things went wrong and then again as my weight crept up. In that world they worshiped health and a fit body, they wanted to go the ultimate place where you could live longer than the normal life span and I kept asking myself as I became a health coach "Where is God in all of this great plan?".
Even Christians within that group lost sight of that now that I look back. Now I feel I am to the second part of that verse. I walked through the first part and never was satisfied though I kept chasing it. Now God is saying "Listen to ME, I am the only bread you need and my word will fulfill you when none else will". I have felt so empty but I know that God can fill that void. Candid again here I have been close to God before, I have felt like I was floating on air and nothing could get me down. But as I walk through this course and I look back I am starting to see where I would fall. I am starting to see just how sinful I really am and it is HARD for me to see.
I always thought I was a good Christian and I always thought I did good though I knew I sinned. I think that I would spend money on what is not bread and labor on what did not satisfy because I didn't want to see the truth. I felt guilt and shame and I didn't want to face what God was asking me to do."
That was a TOUGH question for me to answer. Mainly because I was forced to see all the times I had done exactly what the first part of the verse said and still felt unsatisfied.
The BIGGEST thing I learned today is just how sinful I am. Which might not sound big because I mean come on we are all sinners but you know what? It is STILL hard to stare at the proof right in your face. When confronted by scripture that talks about it and seeing it, that is hard. I know God has been taking me on a journey, I pray he gives me the strength and the wisdom to see it through. I don't say I pray I have the strength because one thing I learned is all our strength truly is his and his alone. It was never ours to begin with and we are nothing without Him.
If you ever have any questions on what I write please feel free to ask me. I will be very open and honest about whatever I am learning through this journey. It won't be easy but I want to share this in the hopes that God might use it for His glory.
Justine
PS: I want to say I do NOT think that Take Shape For Life is horrible or bad but I do believe now looking back and seeing what the bible has to say it is very dangerous for a Christian. Because what it sells is selfish even if we come with good intentions. If used as a tool for God's glory than GREAT! But that is VERY hard to do when the whole time you slowly are getting what the world sees, thinks or says shoved in your face and being told that is what is right.
I was asked this question "Share your thoughts on Isaiah 55:2-3: "Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare. Give ear and come to me; hear me, that your soul may live." "
And this is my response to that.
"My thoughts...last year when I decided to start Take Shape For Life (medifast) I was excited. It was a sure fire way to get this weight off me and keep it off, I read all the books I was supposed to and I bought the food I needed to buy. I weighed everything out just like asked and the pounds started falling off.
But I spent my money on what was not "bread" and I labored on what didn't satisfy. I was skinny yes but I wasn't satisfied, I was always afraid of losing it. I stopped listening to my faith and to God and started listening to the world, I started turning to food more and more as things went wrong and then again as my weight crept up. In that world they worshiped health and a fit body, they wanted to go the ultimate place where you could live longer than the normal life span and I kept asking myself as I became a health coach "Where is God in all of this great plan?".
Even Christians within that group lost sight of that now that I look back. Now I feel I am to the second part of that verse. I walked through the first part and never was satisfied though I kept chasing it. Now God is saying "Listen to ME, I am the only bread you need and my word will fulfill you when none else will". I have felt so empty but I know that God can fill that void. Candid again here I have been close to God before, I have felt like I was floating on air and nothing could get me down. But as I walk through this course and I look back I am starting to see where I would fall. I am starting to see just how sinful I really am and it is HARD for me to see.
I always thought I was a good Christian and I always thought I did good though I knew I sinned. I think that I would spend money on what is not bread and labor on what did not satisfy because I didn't want to see the truth. I felt guilt and shame and I didn't want to face what God was asking me to do."
That was a TOUGH question for me to answer. Mainly because I was forced to see all the times I had done exactly what the first part of the verse said and still felt unsatisfied.
The BIGGEST thing I learned today is just how sinful I am. Which might not sound big because I mean come on we are all sinners but you know what? It is STILL hard to stare at the proof right in your face. When confronted by scripture that talks about it and seeing it, that is hard. I know God has been taking me on a journey, I pray he gives me the strength and the wisdom to see it through. I don't say I pray I have the strength because one thing I learned is all our strength truly is his and his alone. It was never ours to begin with and we are nothing without Him.
If you ever have any questions on what I write please feel free to ask me. I will be very open and honest about whatever I am learning through this journey. It won't be easy but I want to share this in the hopes that God might use it for His glory.
Justine
PS: I want to say I do NOT think that Take Shape For Life is horrible or bad but I do believe now looking back and seeing what the bible has to say it is very dangerous for a Christian. Because what it sells is selfish even if we come with good intentions. If used as a tool for God's glory than GREAT! But that is VERY hard to do when the whole time you slowly are getting what the world sees, thinks or says shoved in your face and being told that is what is right.
Monday, April 7, 2014
60 Day Bible Study
I am starting a new journey, a new bible study called The Lord's Supper. I will be using this blog to comment daily on what I have learned and what God is teaching me through this.
Today I learned just how sinful I was when I first started my weight loss journey. Every reason I had for starting it had to do with myself and what I wanted. Never once did I think of how could I bring glory to God or what He might want.
These past few months my weight has crept back up and I have hidden in shame. I felt I let people down and I felt guilt, I didn't want to step foot out my door. I have hidden these past few months and will even cancel going to birthday parties or even going to the store where someone I know might see me. I have fallen so far from who I was and now I see that even last year when I was skinny, running and felt amazing just how wrong it was. I had built my castle on sand and the tide has been coming up beneath me and washing it all away.
What was once in my eyes my crowning glory and achievement has become my greatest shame and failure. I have become someone else and picked up such bad habits I didn't even know I had. I have found myself binge eating in private and just a multitude of other things. When I started my weight loss journey and used the program I used I don't think that in itself was a bad thing. But my reason for it was so off course it isn't even funny, I was doomed to fail from the start.
What started as a small pebble rolling down the hill became a huge boulder hurtling out of control. I gained probably 60-70lbs back of what I lost in a matter of 4 months. I am being VERY candid here and very open, I pray not for the wrong reasons. My goal is not to bring attention to my journey in this but to what God is teaching and fulfilling in me. He has broken me into tiny little pieces and while it hurt I am thankful for this. Because now I have the opportunity to become something new, to be filled with Him and to pursue a life filled with His glory and not my own.
This is the start, not of weight loss but of being filled to the brim with God and learning to find satisfaction in Him and Him alone.
Justine
Today I learned just how sinful I was when I first started my weight loss journey. Every reason I had for starting it had to do with myself and what I wanted. Never once did I think of how could I bring glory to God or what He might want.
These past few months my weight has crept back up and I have hidden in shame. I felt I let people down and I felt guilt, I didn't want to step foot out my door. I have hidden these past few months and will even cancel going to birthday parties or even going to the store where someone I know might see me. I have fallen so far from who I was and now I see that even last year when I was skinny, running and felt amazing just how wrong it was. I had built my castle on sand and the tide has been coming up beneath me and washing it all away.
What was once in my eyes my crowning glory and achievement has become my greatest shame and failure. I have become someone else and picked up such bad habits I didn't even know I had. I have found myself binge eating in private and just a multitude of other things. When I started my weight loss journey and used the program I used I don't think that in itself was a bad thing. But my reason for it was so off course it isn't even funny, I was doomed to fail from the start.
What started as a small pebble rolling down the hill became a huge boulder hurtling out of control. I gained probably 60-70lbs back of what I lost in a matter of 4 months. I am being VERY candid here and very open, I pray not for the wrong reasons. My goal is not to bring attention to my journey in this but to what God is teaching and fulfilling in me. He has broken me into tiny little pieces and while it hurt I am thankful for this. Because now I have the opportunity to become something new, to be filled with Him and to pursue a life filled with His glory and not my own.
This is the start, not of weight loss but of being filled to the brim with God and learning to find satisfaction in Him and Him alone.
Justine
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