Daily Bible Study

Day 5 of my 60 day Bible Study

FREE!  I FEEL FREE!  Today's lesson was mainly on how our "taste not, touch not" attitude towards many foods is a very human driven way of looking.  It is not Godly in the least (though sometimes for health reasons obviously you don't partake in eating certain things) but truly we where meant to eat all things.

BUT the key to this is in moderation, I know for me that was a HUGE issue.  And heaven forbid if I had something on my "naughty" list, I beat myself up like crazy if I did that.  My big thing was I would be a glutton and go nuts, partly because I figured go big or go home if I was going to be "bad".  But now I see just how wrong and ungodly that thought process was.  I mean yeah some foods are just plain not good for you (processed foods much? or fast food?) but if we partake once in a while in it that is okay.  We must do so in a thankful manner and use moderation as our guide but it isn't "wrong" to do so.

What a freeing feeling that was to learn in this lesson.  Before I would hold SO tight to my self control and pat myself on the back for being so "good".  Man I was a prideful person at that time...and even now I find myself reverting back to that way of thinking.  It is funny because in just about every single diet there is the "taste not, touch  not" list.  Some of them get pretty frigging nuts let me tell you.

I know for me and my body I have to be careful about carbohydrates and sugars because my body naturally craves them.  BUT I am now starting to question that thought process, because God himself designed my body and God himself says we are to partake in all foods.  I am excited to find out just how I change and what kind of new found freedom I will have at the end of this journey.  My body will still do the same thing and react the same way but that doesn't mean I have to give in.  I have God on my side and I don't have to give into the sin like I did before.

What a different way to look at things...and so weird considering what I was being taught before.  But truly by reading the versus it brings the truth to life.  The food itself is never what made me fat (well in the literal sense it did...) but it was my gluttony that did so.  If I hadn't over eaten or gone just all out bat snot crazy eating the stuff I did it wouldn't have happened.  Such a weird thing to consider...because I always blamed the bad, mean nasty food but in reality it was a innocent bystander to my inhibitions.

Food for thought....eh eh? See what I did there...haha I crack myself up :).  Okay not really but I thought it was clever....

Justine
PS: I love how my cat cuddles with me each time I sit down to do my Bible Study.  God blessed me richly when he brought her into my life.  He knew I would need a little crazy cat like her to make me smile and remind me just how AMAZING and GOOD God is :).

Day 4 of my 60 day Bible Study

Day 4 finds me here....I just finished my 4th course of my Bible Study.  I admit some of it I am struggling to understand and I am seeing just how much I don't know of the bible.

Today has been a hard day, but a good day.  I haven't felt as convicted but I do feel VERY out of my element and not sure how to proceed.  So I am trying to focus just on Godly things and not worldly things.

This morning started out with my parents leaving for 4 days which means I am doing all the chores and handling the house on my own.  Which normally is fine but also when they go away is when I allow myself to let go and eat whatever my heart desires so this is difficult not doing that.

This morning as I milked and fed babies I cranked up some of my favorite Christian artists and just sang along.  Even though the kids where screaming to be fed while I milked (normally I feed before milking but it didn't happen that way this morning) I stayed calm.  When it came to feeding the kids I didn't stress and I took my time (again still had music playing) and little Diva even climbed into my lap for some cuddles.  I felt like Diva was God's way of giving me a little moment of peace amidst the craziness of bottle feeding.

Today is a fasting day for me and normally I become like the Grinch is my blood sugar gets low.  But today I told myself I am feasting on the Lord and on his word, so I did exactly that.  I spent time talking to him during my errands and explaining EXACTLY where I was coming from.  I prayed to him and asked him for guidance on this journey.

I was amazed that I haven't been grouchy really once and I had more energy than I thought.  I was actually excited this morning to see how God would use this fasting period today.  I have tried to not only fast from food but from things I would normally partake in to take my mind off being hungry.  So I am only allowing myself to listen to Christian music, trying to stay away from the computer to watch shows (or movies on the TV) and listen only to sermons or something to do with the bible.

I spent time reading Romans today and attempting to understand what Paul was talking about, I did have a few "Aha!" moments though in light of things it was stuff I should have known already.  I am getting ready to head out and start milking for the evening but first I plan on downloading a sermon to listen to, I also plan on instead of watching a movie or a TV show tonight either spending more time in my bible or listening to some more sermons.

I am trying really hard to not only come at this from the right place but be open with God and telling him where I am coming from, letting him work in my heart and change my heart.  Because I know that I alone can't do it, I need his strength.  Today it talked about fasting in my bible study and the entire reason for it (well not the ENTIRE reason but you know what I mean) as well as how to do it properly.  I debated on saying if I had fasted today or not because I didn't want to draw attention to myself or how "strong" I am for doing it.  Because honestly I am weak and if I wasn't spending every moment focusing on God I would be running for that fridge.  So all props go to God and him keeping me filled.

That is it for today...I feel like I hardly had anything to say about what I learned because honestly I am asking myself what I learned :(.  But I feel my heart slowly shifting, changing course.  That is something and I did learn that to feel hunger pains is good, I want to not ignore them but use them as a reminder to go to God.  Because without God I am nothing...and food will continue to have a hold on me.

Justine

Day 3 of my 60 day Bible Study

Wellll here we are on day 3 of my Bible Study.  I found myself this afternoon actually wanting to run away upstairs for an hour to do my study.  What did I learn today...I learned that God's word is sweeter than honey and it will fill us to the brim.  I also learned that God will give us to our own passions, boy did he ever with me sometimes I am ashamed to admit.

I am struggling, I am struggling with understanding how it can be that we truly can be full just on God's word alone.  Because as I sit here now I am HUNGRY and I am craving a ding dang darn cookie like none other.  So I can't say I feel to full right now even after doing my bible study.  But what I am is curious, I am curious as to what it means to feel full on the word of God.

I am also afraid, very very afraid of failing.  Because I know myself very well and last night all I wanted to do was quit.  Stop and go back to how I was before, not worrying about being a glutton or sinning (though still feeling bad and horrible).  I wanted to erase what God had shown me and just go back to being that ignorant little sheep blindly walking off the path.

Yep that was me last night!  Even now as I look towards tomorrow I find fear in my heart.  Can I really do this?  Will I really be set free?  I don't have an answer for that because I know God is still working on my heart.  And it HURTS!  It hurts because he is convicting me of all my wrong doings and showing me things I really truly need to give up.  I don't want to give them up but I need to, I don't like that feeling.

I don't like being told what to do by anyone really (yep stubborn old me!) but when God is CONVICTING you gosh the first thing you want to do is dig your heels in or turn tail and run.  So I am sitting here between digging my heels in and running like a scared pup...saying "Okay God...show me".

I am just droning on now, but I guess what I am trying to say is I am not sure what I learned today.  I felt like I read a few pieces of scripture I really didn't understand.  Okay truth be told there is A LOT of scripture I don't understand.  But this afternoon I actually wanted to, which is a start :).

Justine

My versus for the day

 Submit to God and be at peace with him; in this way prosperity will come to you. Accept instruction from his mouth and lay up his words in your heart.If you return to the Almighty, you will be restored: If you remove wickedness far from your tent and assign your nuggets to the dust, your gold of Ophir to the rocks in the ravines, then the Almighty will be your gold, the choicest silver for you. Surely then you will find delight in the Almighty and will lift up your face to God. — Job 22:21-26

 Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him. — Psalm 34:8 

Day 2 of 60 day Bible Study

Hooooboy today was tough.  During my lesson tonight I felt VERY convicted and started crying.

I was asked this question "Share your thoughts on Isaiah 55:2-3: "Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare. Give ear and come to me; hear me, that your soul may live." "

And this is my response to that.

"My thoughts...last year when I decided to start Take Shape For Life (medifast) I was excited. It was a sure fire way to get this weight off me and keep it off, I read all the books I was supposed to and I bought the food I needed to buy. I weighed everything out just like asked and the pounds started falling off. 

But I spent my money on what was not "bread" and I labored on what didn't satisfy. I was skinny yes but I wasn't satisfied, I was always afraid of losing it. I stopped listening to my faith and to God and started listening to the world, I started turning to food more and more as things went wrong and then again as my weight crept up. In that world they worshiped health and a fit body, they wanted to go the ultimate place where you could live longer than the normal life span and I kept asking myself as I became a health coach "Where is God in all of this great plan?". 

Even Christians within that group lost sight of that now that I look back. Now I feel I am to the second part of that verse. I walked through the first part and never was satisfied though I kept chasing it. Now God is saying "Listen to ME, I am the only bread you need and my word will fulfill you when none else will". I have felt so empty but I know that God can fill that void. Candid again here I have been close to God before, I have felt like I was floating on air and nothing could get me down. But as I walk through this course and I look back I am starting to see where I would fall. I am starting to see just how sinful I really am and it is HARD for me to see.

I always thought I was a good Christian and I always thought I did good though I knew I sinned. I think that I would spend money on what is not bread and labor on what did not satisfy because I didn't want to see the truth. I felt guilt and shame and I didn't want to face what God was asking me to do."

That was a TOUGH question for me to answer.  Mainly because I was forced to see all the times I had done exactly what the first part of the verse said and still felt unsatisfied.

The BIGGEST thing I learned today is just how sinful I am.  Which might not sound big because I mean come on we are all sinners but you know what?  It is STILL hard to stare at the proof right in your face.  When confronted by scripture that talks about it and seeing it, that is hard.  I know God has been taking me on a journey, I pray he gives me the strength and the wisdom to see it through.  I don't say I pray I have the strength because one thing I learned is all our strength truly is his and his alone.  It was never ours to begin with and we are nothing without Him.

If you ever have any questions on what I write please feel free to ask me.  I will be very open and honest about whatever I am learning through this journey.  It won't be easy but I want to share this in the hopes that God might use it for His glory.

Justine
PS: I want to say I do NOT think that Take Shape For Life is horrible or bad but I do believe now looking back and seeing what the bible has to say it is very dangerous for a Christian.  Because what it sells is selfish even if we come with good intentions.  If used as a tool for God's glory than GREAT!  But that is VERY hard to do when the whole time you slowly are getting what the world sees, thinks or says shoved in your face and being told that is what is right.

60 Day Bible Study

I am starting a new journey, a new bible study called The Lord's Supper.  I will be using this blog to comment daily on what I have learned and what God is teaching me through this.

Today I learned just how sinful I was when I first started my weight loss journey.  Every reason I had for starting it had to do with myself and what I wanted.  Never once did I think of how could I bring glory to God or what He might want.

These past few months my weight has crept back up and I have hidden in shame.  I felt I let people down and I felt guilt, I didn't want to step foot out my door.  I have hidden these past few months and will even cancel going to birthday parties or even going to the store where someone I know might see me.  I have fallen so far from who I was and now I see that even last year when I was skinny, running and felt amazing just how wrong it was.  I had built my castle on sand and the tide has been coming up beneath me and washing it all away.

What was once in my eyes my crowning glory and achievement has become my greatest shame and failure.  I have become someone else and picked up such bad habits I didn't even know I had.  I have found myself binge eating in private and just a multitude of other things.  When I started my weight loss journey and used the program I used I don't think that in itself was a bad thing.  But my reason for it was so off course it isn't even funny, I was doomed to fail from the start.

What started as a small pebble rolling down the hill became a huge boulder hurtling out of control.  I gained probably 60-70lbs back of what I lost in a matter of 4 months.  I am being VERY candid here and very open, I pray not for the wrong reasons.  My goal is not to bring attention to my journey in this but to what God is teaching and fulfilling in me.  He has broken me into tiny little pieces and while it hurt I am thankful for this.  Because now I have the opportunity to become something new, to be filled with Him and to pursue a life filled with His glory and not my own.

This is the start, not of weight loss but of being filled to the brim with God and learning to find satisfaction in Him and Him alone.

Justine

The Journey

Have you ever felt taken on a journey?  Maybe it was one you never asked to take or maybe you did until you realized the things you would face? I have been there, I am there now.  I am being broken, broken into what I wish I could say.  God knows, He has seen where this road ends though I do not.  I don't know for certain but I do believe that He weeps even as He is breaking me.  I know I weep as it is done, I weep as He asks me to face things I have forgotten.  I weep as He asks me to do what I thought was impossible,  I weep for the things I have lost and I weep for things never happening.

I cannot number the tears that have fallen from my eyes though God has counted every single one.  He is drudging into the dark parts of my heart and with a surgeon's hands opening the scarred parts of my soul.  It hurts, it aches, it makes me scream out in anger and fear because I don't want to deal with them.  But like a wound that festers they need to be opened and cleaned.  I wish it didn't hurt so much.  I have faced depression and while I was hurt I wasn't fully broken.  I have faced loss, the loss of loved ones and the loss of material things but yet I didn't break. Now? What I am face now is breaking me down to the bare bones.  I feel open and exposed, all my feelings of safety and comfort in my eyes have been ripped away.  I am more broken now than I have ever been.  Yet I get the feeling there is even more to come, I am not yet where God wants me.

Father all I ask is that You never give up on me, don't leave me here.  Finish what you have started and help me become new in you.  I ask for strength for my family as they face this by my side.  I have never been one who let people in easily.  I have a stubborn prideful streak and I always wanted to do these things on my own.  You are showing me there is no room for that if I am to follow you.  I need to be dependent, dependent upon You.  I need to be weak so You can be my strength and I need to need You.  I have known these things but I don't think I ever fully understood the full ramifications of what they meant.  I once asked You to break me, to fully break me and mold me into who You wanted me to be.  

I thought these past few years you had, I thought that everything I had been through was You breaking me.  How wrong I was, You where softening my heart to you but You hadn't even begun to break me or take me down the paths I needed to go.  Now all I can do is sit here broken and hurting, trying to trust in You and Your promise to me.  You never forsake and You never give up, don't forsake me Father and never ever give up on me.

Love,

Your child