I didn't think my life would be like this...single at 27 almost 28. I remember years ago sitting with my dad in a McDonalds late at night having coffee...I was telling him how I wished I could fast forward through my teenage years to my early 20's where I was married and had kids. I didn't know...how different my life was going to be.
Don't get me wrong I LOVE my life. I am thankful daily for what God has given me but sometimes that pang of lonely comes along. Growing up as a kid I knew I wanted to work with horses, wanted to sing but most of all I wanted to be a wife and mom. That was all I could think about, it was my life goal you could say. When I started in goats back when I was 15 my first thought was "I want to farm so when I have a family of my own my kids can grow up on a farm". You can see that I clearly still wanted my childhood dream. I always figured I would be married in my early 20's and have kids by my late 20's. That hasn't happened...well if you count the goat kids then the last part yes ;).
God has been really working on my heart these past few years. Showing me that while that dream wasn't bad I was putting my happiness....my worth....all my eggs into a basket that maybe wasn't where He was currently leading me. More than that I was looking to get my needs met through this world and not through God. Now don't misunderstand me, marriage is amazing and is something that is VERY Godly but that doesn't mean being single is ungodly or wrong. If being single is where God has you, then GREAT! It isn't a failure to follow what God asks you to do, if being single for now or maybe even for the rest of your life is what God calls you to do than by golly you do it. Because there is no better place to be than right where God wants you.
That being all said...that doesn't stop my heart from aching at times. There are times I am curled up crying because I ache SO much for my childhood dream to come true. God has put some things in my life that challenged that...finding out two years ago I had pretty major endometriosis and a tumor on my ovary was scary and had me seriously questioning if I could ever have my own kids. Even now after having surgery to "clean" everything out and being on hormones I still don't know if I will be able to have my own children or how hard that will be to get pregnant. I have come to peace with that, I am choosing to trust God with all of that (sometimes it is hard and I still cry and wonder).
I have decided....I am okay with not getting married or having my own family. Now this varies from day to day...sometimes I decide I am NOT okay with not getting married or having my own family. Not a single durn thing I can do about it either way really except pray. God knows my desires, He placed them in me for pete's sake.
I honestly have NO clue where I am going with this blog post. I guess a part of me wanted to whine about how I am single at my age and have a mini pity party about how I can't find a man....*sigh*.
My life...is so different from what I imagined it would be. I never imagined I would be where I am today. It doesn't look like much to the outside world maybe, but to me it is God's grace, my blood, sweat and tears and even more of God's grace for giving me those blood, sweat and tears. Do I always follow God? Nooope....I have a VERY strong willed nature and I like to do my own thing. This has proven...interesting in more ways that one. But God continues to work on my heart and teaching me to seek Him.
All I can say....is I am thankful for the life God has brought me to. I have learned a lot, so much more than I could put into words. I know myself well, I do not have any illusions as to where I would be or how I would have turned out without God in my life or things turning out this way. My life isn't as hard as some peoples but my life is also harder than others. That is neither here nor there really, God has me RIGHT where He wants me. So I am going to continue trusting in Him, letting Him lead and wondering how He will reveal Himself to me tomorrow.
Good night, good job for sticking through my late night open heated ramblings annnnnnd peace out!
God bless y'all! - Justine
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