Fear

Sometimes an overwhelming sense of fear can just paralyze.  An urge to scream, cry or just crawl out of your own skin but yet no sound can make it past your lips.  It sits festering in your belly, writhing like some living being trying to get out.  I sit here, tears sitting on the edge ready to tumble over, afraid of....of what?  I try to not allow myself to look past, measure my present by where I was in the past.  But it still happens, I still look back and I still measure myself up to my past.

I am afraid, I took a temporary part time job.  It will last but 6 weeks which works out perfectly with when I start with kidding season and milking the goats.  But I find myself terrified, terrified that where I am right now isn't where God wants me.  I find myself questioning, am I truly following what God asked me to do.  I am amazed at how little my faith can be even when I am face to face with everything God has done in my life and in those around me.

I am sitting here struggling to put words on paper so that it might make sense in my mind.  It doesn't seem like it is working to much, at least they are out of my head and in front me.  I feel like I am failing, I feel inadequate or insufficient at leading others, be it in their walk of faith, in teaching them things I have learned, in the simple task of taking care of a child.  I feel ill prepared, I can't even handle looking at my own life too close, how am I supposed to help others without failing them or letting them down.

I don't have a lot in my life, I don't keep a lot in my life.  I have come to realize I am rather a minimalist not by nature but by life.  Almost my entire world could fit in probably less than 10 boxes, most people my age have accumulated much more than that.  I don't mind, it doesn't bother me, I don't even know why I felt the need to write it down.  Maybe because it feels odd to me, in this day and age we put value based on how much we own, what we own and sometimes even why we own it. 

So many things weighing on my mind and my heart.  Sometimes I think I should blog, that I should write things I have learned or maybe what I have felt as God brings me through these different times.  God has given me grace to see the small things that He has worked in my life for my good.  But this big huge one still stares me right in the face and I honestly have NO idea where it is leading, how it will turn out or how it will end.  That great illusive mystery is my life, don't scoff and think "Oh that is what everyone says" even though you are very true.  What I mean is the different things that God has put in my life and brought me through, right now when I look at my life I only look to the next day, I try not even to think about the next week because honestly if I do I get terrified.  I used to be able to not be scared by the future or making plans, but now the simple thought of planning my future no matter how near or far, stops me in my tracks.

Maybe this is a good thing, God does say worry not about tomorrow right?  I could be getting my scripture mixed up so forgive me.  I am not even sure I am making sense right now, I am just writing whatever comes into my head at the moment so forgive me if it is jargon and hard to follow.  I guess what I am saying, I am trying to live my life with every day me looking toward God to get me through.  God has been showing just how weak I am, in my flesh when I struggle with sin and with my soul when I struggle with trust and faith.  It is a sobering mirror to look into, it shows just how....incapable we are without God.

I will complete this by saying I am not perfect, I am a child of God.  All my messy bits, my hard bits, my selfish bits, my proud bits, my scary bits, even my good bits (I need to stop saying bits) are in God's hands.  This is a peace I can rest in right now, God has my bits.