I didn't think my life would be like this...single at 27 almost 28. I remember years ago sitting with my dad in a McDonalds late at night having coffee...I was telling him how I wished I could fast forward through my teenage years to my early 20's where I was married and had kids. I didn't know...how different my life was going to be.
Don't get me wrong I LOVE my life. I am thankful daily for what God has given me but sometimes that pang of lonely comes along. Growing up as a kid I knew I wanted to work with horses, wanted to sing but most of all I wanted to be a wife and mom. That was all I could think about, it was my life goal you could say. When I started in goats back when I was 15 my first thought was "I want to farm so when I have a family of my own my kids can grow up on a farm". You can see that I clearly still wanted my childhood dream. I always figured I would be married in my early 20's and have kids by my late 20's. That hasn't happened...well if you count the goat kids then the last part yes ;).
God has been really working on my heart these past few years. Showing me that while that dream wasn't bad I was putting my happiness....my worth....all my eggs into a basket that maybe wasn't where He was currently leading me. More than that I was looking to get my needs met through this world and not through God. Now don't misunderstand me, marriage is amazing and is something that is VERY Godly but that doesn't mean being single is ungodly or wrong. If being single is where God has you, then GREAT! It isn't a failure to follow what God asks you to do, if being single for now or maybe even for the rest of your life is what God calls you to do than by golly you do it. Because there is no better place to be than right where God wants you.
That being all said...that doesn't stop my heart from aching at times. There are times I am curled up crying because I ache SO much for my childhood dream to come true. God has put some things in my life that challenged that...finding out two years ago I had pretty major endometriosis and a tumor on my ovary was scary and had me seriously questioning if I could ever have my own kids. Even now after having surgery to "clean" everything out and being on hormones I still don't know if I will be able to have my own children or how hard that will be to get pregnant. I have come to peace with that, I am choosing to trust God with all of that (sometimes it is hard and I still cry and wonder).
I have decided....I am okay with not getting married or having my own family. Now this varies from day to day...sometimes I decide I am NOT okay with not getting married or having my own family. Not a single durn thing I can do about it either way really except pray. God knows my desires, He placed them in me for pete's sake.
I honestly have NO clue where I am going with this blog post. I guess a part of me wanted to whine about how I am single at my age and have a mini pity party about how I can't find a man....*sigh*.
My life...is so different from what I imagined it would be. I never imagined I would be where I am today. It doesn't look like much to the outside world maybe, but to me it is God's grace, my blood, sweat and tears and even more of God's grace for giving me those blood, sweat and tears. Do I always follow God? Nooope....I have a VERY strong willed nature and I like to do my own thing. This has proven...interesting in more ways that one. But God continues to work on my heart and teaching me to seek Him.
All I can say....is I am thankful for the life God has brought me to. I have learned a lot, so much more than I could put into words. I know myself well, I do not have any illusions as to where I would be or how I would have turned out without God in my life or things turning out this way. My life isn't as hard as some peoples but my life is also harder than others. That is neither here nor there really, God has me RIGHT where He wants me. So I am going to continue trusting in Him, letting Him lead and wondering how He will reveal Himself to me tomorrow.
Good night, good job for sticking through my late night open heated ramblings annnnnnd peace out!
God bless y'all! - Justine
Thursday, June 18, 2015
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Fear
Sometimes an overwhelming sense of fear can just paralyze. An urge to scream, cry or just crawl out of your own skin but yet no sound can make it past your lips. It sits festering in your belly, writhing like some living being trying to get out. I sit here, tears sitting on the edge ready to tumble over, afraid of....of what? I try to not allow myself to look past, measure my present by where I was in the past. But it still happens, I still look back and I still measure myself up to my past.
I am afraid, I took a temporary part time job. It will last but 6 weeks which works out perfectly with when I start with kidding season and milking the goats. But I find myself terrified, terrified that where I am right now isn't where God wants me. I find myself questioning, am I truly following what God asked me to do. I am amazed at how little my faith can be even when I am face to face with everything God has done in my life and in those around me.
I am sitting here struggling to put words on paper so that it might make sense in my mind. It doesn't seem like it is working to much, at least they are out of my head and in front me. I feel like I am failing, I feel inadequate or insufficient at leading others, be it in their walk of faith, in teaching them things I have learned, in the simple task of taking care of a child. I feel ill prepared, I can't even handle looking at my own life too close, how am I supposed to help others without failing them or letting them down.
I don't have a lot in my life, I don't keep a lot in my life. I have come to realize I am rather a minimalist not by nature but by life. Almost my entire world could fit in probably less than 10 boxes, most people my age have accumulated much more than that. I don't mind, it doesn't bother me, I don't even know why I felt the need to write it down. Maybe because it feels odd to me, in this day and age we put value based on how much we own, what we own and sometimes even why we own it.
So many things weighing on my mind and my heart. Sometimes I think I should blog, that I should write things I have learned or maybe what I have felt as God brings me through these different times. God has given me grace to see the small things that He has worked in my life for my good. But this big huge one still stares me right in the face and I honestly have NO idea where it is leading, how it will turn out or how it will end. That great illusive mystery is my life, don't scoff and think "Oh that is what everyone says" even though you are very true. What I mean is the different things that God has put in my life and brought me through, right now when I look at my life I only look to the next day, I try not even to think about the next week because honestly if I do I get terrified. I used to be able to not be scared by the future or making plans, but now the simple thought of planning my future no matter how near or far, stops me in my tracks.
Maybe this is a good thing, God does say worry not about tomorrow right? I could be getting my scripture mixed up so forgive me. I am not even sure I am making sense right now, I am just writing whatever comes into my head at the moment so forgive me if it is jargon and hard to follow. I guess what I am saying, I am trying to live my life with every day me looking toward God to get me through. God has been showing just how weak I am, in my flesh when I struggle with sin and with my soul when I struggle with trust and faith. It is a sobering mirror to look into, it shows just how....incapable we are without God.
I will complete this by saying I am not perfect, I am a child of God. All my messy bits, my hard bits, my selfish bits, my proud bits, my scary bits, even my good bits (I need to stop saying bits) are in God's hands. This is a peace I can rest in right now, God has my bits.
I am afraid, I took a temporary part time job. It will last but 6 weeks which works out perfectly with when I start with kidding season and milking the goats. But I find myself terrified, terrified that where I am right now isn't where God wants me. I find myself questioning, am I truly following what God asked me to do. I am amazed at how little my faith can be even when I am face to face with everything God has done in my life and in those around me.
I am sitting here struggling to put words on paper so that it might make sense in my mind. It doesn't seem like it is working to much, at least they are out of my head and in front me. I feel like I am failing, I feel inadequate or insufficient at leading others, be it in their walk of faith, in teaching them things I have learned, in the simple task of taking care of a child. I feel ill prepared, I can't even handle looking at my own life too close, how am I supposed to help others without failing them or letting them down.
I don't have a lot in my life, I don't keep a lot in my life. I have come to realize I am rather a minimalist not by nature but by life. Almost my entire world could fit in probably less than 10 boxes, most people my age have accumulated much more than that. I don't mind, it doesn't bother me, I don't even know why I felt the need to write it down. Maybe because it feels odd to me, in this day and age we put value based on how much we own, what we own and sometimes even why we own it.
So many things weighing on my mind and my heart. Sometimes I think I should blog, that I should write things I have learned or maybe what I have felt as God brings me through these different times. God has given me grace to see the small things that He has worked in my life for my good. But this big huge one still stares me right in the face and I honestly have NO idea where it is leading, how it will turn out or how it will end. That great illusive mystery is my life, don't scoff and think "Oh that is what everyone says" even though you are very true. What I mean is the different things that God has put in my life and brought me through, right now when I look at my life I only look to the next day, I try not even to think about the next week because honestly if I do I get terrified. I used to be able to not be scared by the future or making plans, but now the simple thought of planning my future no matter how near or far, stops me in my tracks.
Maybe this is a good thing, God does say worry not about tomorrow right? I could be getting my scripture mixed up so forgive me. I am not even sure I am making sense right now, I am just writing whatever comes into my head at the moment so forgive me if it is jargon and hard to follow. I guess what I am saying, I am trying to live my life with every day me looking toward God to get me through. God has been showing just how weak I am, in my flesh when I struggle with sin and with my soul when I struggle with trust and faith. It is a sobering mirror to look into, it shows just how....incapable we are without God.
I will complete this by saying I am not perfect, I am a child of God. All my messy bits, my hard bits, my selfish bits, my proud bits, my scary bits, even my good bits (I need to stop saying bits) are in God's hands. This is a peace I can rest in right now, God has my bits.
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
AWOL
Oh hello there! So I went rather AWOL the past few weeks....okay since my last blog post. What happened....what happened you might ask....
So as you might guess from the picture above I fell off the "wagon" so to speak. I was doing great after restarting my bible study though I still struggled. I ended up really falling on the 18th of June when I didn't even finish my fast day properly and things went down hill from there. I found myself struggling and not even doing my daily bible studies some days. I felt myself becoming more and more discouraged about what good this bible study was doing in my life and tired of sticking (so wrote stinking the first time) to the suggested food guide.
I was shocked, ashamed and discouraged at how easy it was for me to fall back into my old ways. I found myself sneaking food at night, going to the store so I could binge out on some cookies (my version of binging out that is) and just all around falling back into old habits. The farther I got into my old habits the more depressed I got and lets face it the harder my jeans where to button....which led to more depression which turned into eating more food which just made the jean buttoning worse.
I kept telling myself "Oh TOMORROW I will do it...." but tomorrow never came. In a very honest moment with my mom out in the barn the other day I think I got down to why I really stopped. I was tired...that is the plain, simple, ugly human truth of the matter. I was tired of being disciplined in my eating habits, looking at myself in the mirror (so to speak) while I did my bible study and NOT liking what I saw. Okay now to elaborate on not liking what I saw, I mean not physically (thought that was there) but spiritually. I didn't like God peeling back the layers of my heart and showing me just how ugly it truly was, because lets face it without God we are ugly, sinful people and not matter HOW hard we could try there is no way for us to change WITHOUT the Holy Spirit in us, Jesus saving us and God working through us.
That night in the barn I confessed this to my mom, tears started rolling down my face as I came to realize that I didn't want to take the hard road. I liked the easy road of eating what I wanted, when I wanted for whatever reason I wanted. I didn't WANT to be held accountable by God or anyone else, I didn't want to see all my hairy, brown, ugly and globulus warts. I didn't like fighting against my sinful human flesh when it cried out to go down the wrong path, I was tired, I felt oh so pitifully alone and I was just plain DONE with the whole enchilada. What God was asking of me was just to hard in my mind, I was done struggling and feeling like it got me nowhere. Hadn't I been through enough? Hadn't I given up enough for Him? Oh it hurt....oh the pain in seeing how frail and human I was to take that easy road out, even worse because God KNEW even before I did that this would happen.
I still feel like I can't do this...I am going into town later and in all honesty I plan on stopping by the local DQ for a blizzard and probably pick up some other junk food I shouldn't have. Why? Because I want it...because I can and because I already decided I will. But today I asked my mom to pray for me and she did....she prayed that God would give me a heart to delve deeper in to Him, that I would have the hunger to know Him better, I would turn back to him and he would reveal himself to me. I have tears in my eyes right now just thinking about what she prayed for me, I couldn't have prayed that prayer myself. I am still too busy trying to ignore the tugging on my heart from God but I knew I could have my mom pray for me.
I don't know how many times I will fall, how many times I will be discouraged and how many times I will need to be brought back to God. My mom said something really neat to me today...she said that 6 months ago she was praying that I would feel repentant, now she prays that I would see and KNOW God. I am a christian, I accepted Christ into my heart as a child but I don't KNOW God...not really. She also told me that God had spoken to her heart after she prayed, God spoke to her heart, He said that He has me....I am in the palm of His hand and I AM His. I started crying when she told me this...because I don't feel him near me and I don't hear him speaking to my heart anymore. I am looking, searching, YEARNING to know he is near me, that I am not gone from his sight and that HE has me in his great, big, capable hands. So to hear my mom say those words to me, that even though I feel like I left the path and I am on my own, in reality my Father has been by my side the whole time is both comforting and reassuring.
I want to start back up with my bible study tomorrow and get back on the food program thing. I also am going to start a bible study with my mom through the summer as a light bible study. I ask for prayers...pray that as I go through this bible study God would reveal himself to me. Pray that God would place the desire in my heart to stay true through the course of this study and not stray be it in my studies or my eating habits. It is NOT easy for me to stick with it and do these half days, juice days or even fast days and even the "normal" days are hard for me. I second guess EVERYTHING and if I fail even once I don't want to try anymore. Satan uses this against me, he knows this is my biggest weakness so when I fail he pushes on that sore spot until it bleeds and I am crying. Pray that God's angels would surround me when this happens and the enemy would not succeed in pushing me away from God.
I am a failure....and that is okay because when we fail God prevails. Nothing we can do on this earth can disrupt God's plans and as odd as that sounds I find it very comforting to know that even when I screw up, don't want to walk the path God wants and just generally act like a petulant teenager that doesn't stop God from working his good works. But referring back to what my mom said about God saying HE knows where I am and I am in HIS hands, that gives me faith that I am not forgotten and though I walked off into the mud and mire God has plans to bring me back to Him. I am not lost, I am not forgotten, I am not alone because my FATHER has plans to bring me back to Him. You have no idea how much comfort this gives me, I know on my own I wouldn't go back to him so to know HE has a plan and it is already in motion brings such a peace to my heart.
I am still tired, today I told God I was done...strike me down with a bolt of lightening because I wanted to just get on straight to heaven. Enough with the struggles, the shame, the pants that just DON'T WANT TO BUTTON! I still want to eat food I shouldn't, I still don't like seeing the ugly parts of myself be it physical or spiritual and I sure as heck don't like the idea of fighting the uphill fight anymore.
,My prayer to God:
Father I am putting myself in YOUR hands, you know my heart, you know my desires and you know how wicked my flesh is. I am trusting, I am putting my entire faith, hope and life in your hands that you will put in me a heart after you. Father, reveal yourself to me, open my eyes to who YOU are through this bible study, through my family and friends, through my struggles, through my trials, through my tears and through my triumphs bring me back to you. Jesus name...amen.
God bless!
Justine
 |
| This happened.....oh yeah. |
I was shocked, ashamed and discouraged at how easy it was for me to fall back into my old ways. I found myself sneaking food at night, going to the store so I could binge out on some cookies (my version of binging out that is) and just all around falling back into old habits. The farther I got into my old habits the more depressed I got and lets face it the harder my jeans where to button....which led to more depression which turned into eating more food which just made the jean buttoning worse.
I kept telling myself "Oh TOMORROW I will do it...." but tomorrow never came. In a very honest moment with my mom out in the barn the other day I think I got down to why I really stopped. I was tired...that is the plain, simple, ugly human truth of the matter. I was tired of being disciplined in my eating habits, looking at myself in the mirror (so to speak) while I did my bible study and NOT liking what I saw. Okay now to elaborate on not liking what I saw, I mean not physically (thought that was there) but spiritually. I didn't like God peeling back the layers of my heart and showing me just how ugly it truly was, because lets face it without God we are ugly, sinful people and not matter HOW hard we could try there is no way for us to change WITHOUT the Holy Spirit in us, Jesus saving us and God working through us.
That night in the barn I confessed this to my mom, tears started rolling down my face as I came to realize that I didn't want to take the hard road. I liked the easy road of eating what I wanted, when I wanted for whatever reason I wanted. I didn't WANT to be held accountable by God or anyone else, I didn't want to see all my hairy, brown, ugly and globulus warts. I didn't like fighting against my sinful human flesh when it cried out to go down the wrong path, I was tired, I felt oh so pitifully alone and I was just plain DONE with the whole enchilada. What God was asking of me was just to hard in my mind, I was done struggling and feeling like it got me nowhere. Hadn't I been through enough? Hadn't I given up enough for Him? Oh it hurt....oh the pain in seeing how frail and human I was to take that easy road out, even worse because God KNEW even before I did that this would happen.
I still feel like I can't do this...I am going into town later and in all honesty I plan on stopping by the local DQ for a blizzard and probably pick up some other junk food I shouldn't have. Why? Because I want it...because I can and because I already decided I will. But today I asked my mom to pray for me and she did....she prayed that God would give me a heart to delve deeper in to Him, that I would have the hunger to know Him better, I would turn back to him and he would reveal himself to me. I have tears in my eyes right now just thinking about what she prayed for me, I couldn't have prayed that prayer myself. I am still too busy trying to ignore the tugging on my heart from God but I knew I could have my mom pray for me.
I don't know how many times I will fall, how many times I will be discouraged and how many times I will need to be brought back to God. My mom said something really neat to me today...she said that 6 months ago she was praying that I would feel repentant, now she prays that I would see and KNOW God. I am a christian, I accepted Christ into my heart as a child but I don't KNOW God...not really. She also told me that God had spoken to her heart after she prayed, God spoke to her heart, He said that He has me....I am in the palm of His hand and I AM His. I started crying when she told me this...because I don't feel him near me and I don't hear him speaking to my heart anymore. I am looking, searching, YEARNING to know he is near me, that I am not gone from his sight and that HE has me in his great, big, capable hands. So to hear my mom say those words to me, that even though I feel like I left the path and I am on my own, in reality my Father has been by my side the whole time is both comforting and reassuring.
I want to start back up with my bible study tomorrow and get back on the food program thing. I also am going to start a bible study with my mom through the summer as a light bible study. I ask for prayers...pray that as I go through this bible study God would reveal himself to me. Pray that God would place the desire in my heart to stay true through the course of this study and not stray be it in my studies or my eating habits. It is NOT easy for me to stick with it and do these half days, juice days or even fast days and even the "normal" days are hard for me. I second guess EVERYTHING and if I fail even once I don't want to try anymore. Satan uses this against me, he knows this is my biggest weakness so when I fail he pushes on that sore spot until it bleeds and I am crying. Pray that God's angels would surround me when this happens and the enemy would not succeed in pushing me away from God.
I am a failure....and that is okay because when we fail God prevails. Nothing we can do on this earth can disrupt God's plans and as odd as that sounds I find it very comforting to know that even when I screw up, don't want to walk the path God wants and just generally act like a petulant teenager that doesn't stop God from working his good works. But referring back to what my mom said about God saying HE knows where I am and I am in HIS hands, that gives me faith that I am not forgotten and though I walked off into the mud and mire God has plans to bring me back to Him. I am not lost, I am not forgotten, I am not alone because my FATHER has plans to bring me back to Him. You have no idea how much comfort this gives me, I know on my own I wouldn't go back to him so to know HE has a plan and it is already in motion brings such a peace to my heart.
I am still tired, today I told God I was done...strike me down with a bolt of lightening because I wanted to just get on straight to heaven. Enough with the struggles, the shame, the pants that just DON'T WANT TO BUTTON! I still want to eat food I shouldn't, I still don't like seeing the ugly parts of myself be it physical or spiritual and I sure as heck don't like the idea of fighting the uphill fight anymore.
,My prayer to God:
Father I am putting myself in YOUR hands, you know my heart, you know my desires and you know how wicked my flesh is. I am trusting, I am putting my entire faith, hope and life in your hands that you will put in me a heart after you. Father, reveal yourself to me, open my eyes to who YOU are through this bible study, through my family and friends, through my struggles, through my trials, through my tears and through my triumphs bring me back to you. Jesus name...amen.
God bless!
Justine
Saturday, May 10, 2014
Daily Bible Study REBOOT
So as I stated in a previous blog I restarted my 60 day bible study. I have decided to do it a bit different and actually write out my lessons in my journal so as to have a physical hard copy of what I am doing. It takes up much more time on my lessons but I feel things sink in better this way.
What I am learning so far.....you can fall and you can fall HARD! Day 1 of my bible reboot started out just great. It was a half day and I felt confident and good about restarting, that was my first rookie mistake and downfall. I don't remember how it happened but I ended up pretty much binging after lunch happened. I fell back into old patterns, I started just any food I could get my hands on through out the day. Ran down to the store for some bagels and candy bars to eat on the way home, snacked all the way up to dinner and then after dinner I snuck more food into my bedroom to eat in bed.
Did I feel repentant or bad? I would love to say YES but I didn't...I did feel VERY guilty though and I KNEW I shouldn't be doing it. I felt so out of control and almost frantic to eat something else as soon as that first thing didn't fill whatever "void" was in my heart. I mean I was snarfing down candy bars and bagels all the way home from the store WHILE feeling frantic about what I could eat next...I felt like the friggin' Cookie Monster on steroids or something!
Let me back up though to what broke this camels back...
I started out doing well like I said but for some reason I was feeling very anxious that morning and some stuff fell through that I had planned on getting done. I got a call from a friend whom I hadn't talked to in a while (so good to hear from them!) but it brought back a lot of memories from when I did Take Shape For Life and rattled me pretty good. Those few things where just the TINY catalyst that caused me to just stumble and fall into my old deep pit of gluttony. This is NOT an excuse for what I did, I chose to go to my old standby of food instead of going before God.
Yesterday I did better...still not where I wanted to be I feel but better. Today...oh boy Cookie Monster on steroids was back! Okay maybe not on steroids but I definitely fell back into my oh so lovely old patterns on eating. It was the first day of Farmers Market and normally (okay last year) I wasn't allowed to have ANY of the loverly food they always sell (cookies/scones or whatever else it was I loved). So I admit I was excited because technically it was my "normal" day though I was still to eat within reason and because I was hungry not for my own gain. How long did that last? Riiiight until I walked out the door at 6:30am....yep I walked out that door thinking about all those good things I just MIGHT allow myself to it. That was my FIRST mistake...okay one of many first mistakes if I am being totally honest.
Suffice it to say I didn't eat with restraint as I should have...we shall leave it at that and leave the cookie carnage out of this blog. Children might be reading this you know ;). Okay seriously though I am VERY discouraged at just HOW easy it has been for me to fall back into these old habits and ways of thinking. Here I was patting myself on the back going "Man I am doing so good...yeah I am not where I want to be but man I am doing good!" and good ol' satan comes along and goes "Oooh hoho really now?". He just loves to tempt and poke and prod until you want to give in or just give in...which I did both of.
I am struggling with a repentant heart and even now as I sit here writing this in my dark room I ask myself...and I TRULY repentant about my gluttony and turning away from my sin to go towards God? I don't know that answer to that question though I wish I did...my dad said if I am asking myself those questions then yes I am learning something. I jokingly said "Yeah how NOT to go about doing this bible study"...and while yes that is true it donned on me that God is using these "EPIC FAILS" as lessons. Keepin' this Cookie Monster fiend humble and showing me just how easy it is for me to be given over to my own desires. Because that is exactly what happened, I gave into my own desire and didn't even take a first glance over my shoulder to God. Wow that is a harsh and cold thought for me to choke down.
I am beginning to see why it is SO important for me to arm myself with the Gospel. It might sound like a weird thing to use against physical temptations...because honestly how can the Gospel compare taste wise in relation to chocolate or a gooey cookie?? Well it isn't about taste...it is about which is going to fill you up and sustain you. You know the BIGGEST thing I learned (or should I say remembered) from my "fails"? Just how EMPTY I felt after eating all that food, I didn't feel satisfied, happy or even content. I felt sick, empty and out of control...even lost and a bit scared, that isn't exactly how I want to feel. But when I pick up my bible and read God's word? I feel...safe and while I not always feel physically full that deep void somewhere inside of me gets a little quieter and doesn't shout so loud.
This is a hard journey for me to be learning and I question myself daily if not even by the hour if I am truly turning away from my sin. I had a hour long talk with God today...some of it spent crying because I felt to wretched and weak in my sin. Can you pray that I can have a sense of direction or maybe even break through with this? If I am truly not repenting and turning from my sin pray for me that God will convict me of this and I would FINALLY repent and turn away. I am tired of falling...tired of sinning in this manner against God and most of all I am tired of fighting. I am tired of fighting my flesh...denying myself the desires I have for food. I want to curl into a ball with a HUGE plate of cake in my lap and give in...it might sound funny to some but to me it makes me sad.
Okay this was a SUPER long post...sorry about that. I hope I made some of you laugh and all of you think when you read this LOOONG blog post. All I ask for right now is prayer...pray that God will work in my heart, mind and spirit, pray that He will bring people along side of me who can keep me accountable and humble before the Lord. I need that right now...I need that so much.
God bless!
Justine
What I am learning so far.....you can fall and you can fall HARD! Day 1 of my bible reboot started out just great. It was a half day and I felt confident and good about restarting, that was my first rookie mistake and downfall. I don't remember how it happened but I ended up pretty much binging after lunch happened. I fell back into old patterns, I started just any food I could get my hands on through out the day. Ran down to the store for some bagels and candy bars to eat on the way home, snacked all the way up to dinner and then after dinner I snuck more food into my bedroom to eat in bed.
Did I feel repentant or bad? I would love to say YES but I didn't...I did feel VERY guilty though and I KNEW I shouldn't be doing it. I felt so out of control and almost frantic to eat something else as soon as that first thing didn't fill whatever "void" was in my heart. I mean I was snarfing down candy bars and bagels all the way home from the store WHILE feeling frantic about what I could eat next...I felt like the friggin' Cookie Monster on steroids or something!
Let me back up though to what broke this camels back...
I started out doing well like I said but for some reason I was feeling very anxious that morning and some stuff fell through that I had planned on getting done. I got a call from a friend whom I hadn't talked to in a while (so good to hear from them!) but it brought back a lot of memories from when I did Take Shape For Life and rattled me pretty good. Those few things where just the TINY catalyst that caused me to just stumble and fall into my old deep pit of gluttony. This is NOT an excuse for what I did, I chose to go to my old standby of food instead of going before God.
Yesterday I did better...still not where I wanted to be I feel but better. Today...oh boy Cookie Monster on steroids was back! Okay maybe not on steroids but I definitely fell back into my oh so lovely old patterns on eating. It was the first day of Farmers Market and normally (okay last year) I wasn't allowed to have ANY of the loverly food they always sell (cookies/scones or whatever else it was I loved). So I admit I was excited because technically it was my "normal" day though I was still to eat within reason and because I was hungry not for my own gain. How long did that last? Riiiight until I walked out the door at 6:30am....yep I walked out that door thinking about all those good things I just MIGHT allow myself to it. That was my FIRST mistake...okay one of many first mistakes if I am being totally honest.
Suffice it to say I didn't eat with restraint as I should have...we shall leave it at that and leave the cookie carnage out of this blog. Children might be reading this you know ;). Okay seriously though I am VERY discouraged at just HOW easy it has been for me to fall back into these old habits and ways of thinking. Here I was patting myself on the back going "Man I am doing so good...yeah I am not where I want to be but man I am doing good!" and good ol' satan comes along and goes "Oooh hoho really now?". He just loves to tempt and poke and prod until you want to give in or just give in...which I did both of.
I am struggling with a repentant heart and even now as I sit here writing this in my dark room I ask myself...and I TRULY repentant about my gluttony and turning away from my sin to go towards God? I don't know that answer to that question though I wish I did...my dad said if I am asking myself those questions then yes I am learning something. I jokingly said "Yeah how NOT to go about doing this bible study"...and while yes that is true it donned on me that God is using these "EPIC FAILS" as lessons. Keepin' this Cookie Monster fiend humble and showing me just how easy it is for me to be given over to my own desires. Because that is exactly what happened, I gave into my own desire and didn't even take a first glance over my shoulder to God. Wow that is a harsh and cold thought for me to choke down.
I am beginning to see why it is SO important for me to arm myself with the Gospel. It might sound like a weird thing to use against physical temptations...because honestly how can the Gospel compare taste wise in relation to chocolate or a gooey cookie?? Well it isn't about taste...it is about which is going to fill you up and sustain you. You know the BIGGEST thing I learned (or should I say remembered) from my "fails"? Just how EMPTY I felt after eating all that food, I didn't feel satisfied, happy or even content. I felt sick, empty and out of control...even lost and a bit scared, that isn't exactly how I want to feel. But when I pick up my bible and read God's word? I feel...safe and while I not always feel physically full that deep void somewhere inside of me gets a little quieter and doesn't shout so loud.
This is a hard journey for me to be learning and I question myself daily if not even by the hour if I am truly turning away from my sin. I had a hour long talk with God today...some of it spent crying because I felt to wretched and weak in my sin. Can you pray that I can have a sense of direction or maybe even break through with this? If I am truly not repenting and turning from my sin pray for me that God will convict me of this and I would FINALLY repent and turn away. I am tired of falling...tired of sinning in this manner against God and most of all I am tired of fighting. I am tired of fighting my flesh...denying myself the desires I have for food. I want to curl into a ball with a HUGE plate of cake in my lap and give in...it might sound funny to some but to me it makes me sad.
Okay this was a SUPER long post...sorry about that. I hope I made some of you laugh and all of you think when you read this LOOONG blog post. All I ask for right now is prayer...pray that God will work in my heart, mind and spirit, pray that He will bring people along side of me who can keep me accountable and humble before the Lord. I need that right now...I need that so much.
God bless!
Justine
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
Daily Bible Study - day 31
So today it gave me the option of going back and doing the first 30 days over again before continuing on to finish my 60 days. I thought long and hard about it...it is a commitment doing just 60 days but being half way done felt good. I feel though that I need to back at the beginning, I can glean more now I feel because I am starting for the right reasons.
I know I don't write daily though I wish I could. Life gets busy and I end up forgetting or just not having time to sit down and organize my thoughts to put them down here. I don't even know if people read my blog or what they even think of it. This is more a way for me to rehash things and in some ways document my journey for myself.
I wish I felt I was better at blogging...I feel selfish that this blog is all about me. But that is what a blog is right? A documentation of someone's life or what they are learning/doing/teaching. Forgive me it is late, I am exhausted so I am rambling quite a bit right now. The whole reason I am writing this short blog is because I just wanted to say...I am starting over again. I don't feel I am in the right place to continue on with this bible study and I want to go over my old lessons and relearn what was taught.
I also want to work on spending my mornings in the Bible and maybe even going out places to do my lessons instead of being holed up in my bedroom. I am thinking maybe a local coffee shop or something along those lines as a place to sit and quietly do my lessons. It will get me out into the world and maybe God will bring people into my life who can be an encouragement or maybe I can be the encourager. I admit I am very nervous at the thought of starting back at square one with this whole bible study. It is hard and for some reason my anxiety levels have been off the charts at home. I have felt it bubbling up inside of me and I noticed since I haven't been spending as much time in God's word I find my eating habits going back to how they where.
I haven't said anything but doing this bible study I am following a guide line of how to eat. I have 1 fast day, two juice days, two half days and two normal days. Since I am restarting this bible study my fast days will be Sundays. I have decided on my fast days to not only fast from food but to fast from any online or phone interactions. I mean I will talk to people on the phone but I will not be using it for any other purpose but to be a phone. I am wanting to do this because I have noticed my not so healthy addiction to getting on Facebook all the time or first getting online to distract myself from things. This will be a challenge and for those of you who read this and know me please say something if you see me online during these fast days on Sundays. I want to hold to what I say and until July 6th I will be fasting from those things. I also want to be aware of what things I watch on those days and even the things I listen.
Fast days are a day that I want to use to get closer to God. Before it was hard because they where on Thursday which means I had to be online using the computer for my job. Makes it MUCH harder to abstain and fast from things like that if you have to use facebook for work or be online for your job. So I am thankful that now I can have Sundays as that fast day. It will allow me to focus more on my relationship with God and less on my somewhat unhealthy facebook addiction :). Okay long random blog over and done with, sorry it was such a rambling all over the place read.
I do ask for prayer, I ask that I would learn even more as I start over again. I would be disciplined in my eating habits, I would start working out more and I would really apply these things in my life.
God bless!
Justine
I know I don't write daily though I wish I could. Life gets busy and I end up forgetting or just not having time to sit down and organize my thoughts to put them down here. I don't even know if people read my blog or what they even think of it. This is more a way for me to rehash things and in some ways document my journey for myself.
I wish I felt I was better at blogging...I feel selfish that this blog is all about me. But that is what a blog is right? A documentation of someone's life or what they are learning/doing/teaching. Forgive me it is late, I am exhausted so I am rambling quite a bit right now. The whole reason I am writing this short blog is because I just wanted to say...I am starting over again. I don't feel I am in the right place to continue on with this bible study and I want to go over my old lessons and relearn what was taught.
I also want to work on spending my mornings in the Bible and maybe even going out places to do my lessons instead of being holed up in my bedroom. I am thinking maybe a local coffee shop or something along those lines as a place to sit and quietly do my lessons. It will get me out into the world and maybe God will bring people into my life who can be an encouragement or maybe I can be the encourager. I admit I am very nervous at the thought of starting back at square one with this whole bible study. It is hard and for some reason my anxiety levels have been off the charts at home. I have felt it bubbling up inside of me and I noticed since I haven't been spending as much time in God's word I find my eating habits going back to how they where.
I haven't said anything but doing this bible study I am following a guide line of how to eat. I have 1 fast day, two juice days, two half days and two normal days. Since I am restarting this bible study my fast days will be Sundays. I have decided on my fast days to not only fast from food but to fast from any online or phone interactions. I mean I will talk to people on the phone but I will not be using it for any other purpose but to be a phone. I am wanting to do this because I have noticed my not so healthy addiction to getting on Facebook all the time or first getting online to distract myself from things. This will be a challenge and for those of you who read this and know me please say something if you see me online during these fast days on Sundays. I want to hold to what I say and until July 6th I will be fasting from those things. I also want to be aware of what things I watch on those days and even the things I listen.
Fast days are a day that I want to use to get closer to God. Before it was hard because they where on Thursday which means I had to be online using the computer for my job. Makes it MUCH harder to abstain and fast from things like that if you have to use facebook for work or be online for your job. So I am thankful that now I can have Sundays as that fast day. It will allow me to focus more on my relationship with God and less on my somewhat unhealthy facebook addiction :). Okay long random blog over and done with, sorry it was such a rambling all over the place read.
I do ask for prayer, I ask that I would learn even more as I start over again. I would be disciplined in my eating habits, I would start working out more and I would really apply these things in my life.
God bless!
Justine
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Daily Bible Study - Contentment
You know I was going to start this out by stating all the things I don't have but that doesn't show that I have a heart of contentment. I will start by saying that by the world standards yes I don't have a lot. I live a pretty odd life compared to most people these days.
I quite my normal job to work for my parents, I don't have health insurance, I hardly make ends meat and I am pretty much living on my parents right now and have been since I quit my job. I don't go out on weekends and I rarely even go out on a week night, I work hard and some would say I have very little to show for it.
But you know what? I don't have a lot of worldly possessions and I don't do what "normal" people my age do. I am not knocking going out on weekends or enjoying a week day out sometimes, that is good and sometimes needed! But I know right now God has me in this place for a reason, he is teaching me to have a heart of contentment. Not only with the little things he has given me but more importantly in him, he wants me to be content in HIM.
I quite my normal job to work for my parents, I don't have health insurance, I hardly make ends meat and I am pretty much living on my parents right now and have been since I quit my job. I don't go out on weekends and I rarely even go out on a week night, I work hard and some would say I have very little to show for it.
But you know what? I don't have a lot of worldly possessions and I don't do what "normal" people my age do. I am not knocking going out on weekends or enjoying a week day out sometimes, that is good and sometimes needed! But I know right now God has me in this place for a reason, he is teaching me to have a heart of contentment. Not only with the little things he has given me but more importantly in him, he wants me to be content in HIM.
"Make sure that your character is free from the love of money,
being content with what you have; for He Himself has said, "I WILL NEVER
DESERT YOU, NOR WILL I EVER FORSAKE YOU," so that we confidently say,
"THE LORD IS MY HELPER, I WILL NOT BE AFRAID. WHAT WILL MAN DO TO ME?"
Hebrews 13:5-6"
This was one of the verses in my bible study today. You know what struck me the very most? That end part...it says "What will man do to me" and I thought yes but also what can man do FOR me? I am starting to see not really a darn thing, not without God in the picture at least. All things on this earth, the good, the bad or the in between come from God and only from God. So I am learning contentment even in the hard times because I know that God has me where he wants me.
It is NOT always easy BELIEVE me, I get jealous and frustrated sometimes because I look at things from a human perspective. I am human, I am sinful and I will fall in the flesh at times. So this blog post is by no means me saying I am perfect or I finally have a true heart of contentment. More like me saying "Okay I am slowly seeing the light here...I think I get it....sometimes". I am learning at the times when my bank account is zero and I have all these things stacking up I need to....hit my knees and say "God help me...". No seriously I have done that before *laughs*.
But I think what I am trying to really get at here is while I am not where I thought I wanted to be...I am happier and more content here than I probably would have been there (where ever there is). I know that yes right now is a HARD time and a very trying time, sometimes I have to REALLY pray for that heart of contentment and trust that God will bring that to me. Other times it comes more natural and easy, I love being able to work from home and I LOVE farming. But these are physical things that in the end I won't be taking with me when I get to heaven. So God is teaching me through all these trials, hard times and disappointments to have a heart of contentment in Him.
This ties into my food eating issues because I used to use food to find contentment. I can't count all the ways I tried to use it for contentment or the reasons why but I know I did. God is breaking me free of that illusion, I thank him for that. It is painful, hard and I don't always like it but God keeps at it.
As always I ask for prayers that God would continue to humble me, break me and now bring a heart of contentment. I still struggle daily, sometimes even by the hour to fight my bad habits and sinful thoughts. So just pray that I can continue to grow and learn, that my heart will be responsive and soften to what I am being taught.
God bless you all...
Justine
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Daily Bible Study update
So today will not be just about my bible study. For those of you who know me I can have a temper and it isn't a pretty one. I admit this and I am going to God and working on it. This morning I ended up having a major temper snap and just broke and then after a few minutes I started crying (couldn't stop) and shaking.
But when I was in that temper snap all I wanted to do was jump in the car, grab a TON of food and run away, oh and quite the bible study as well. I was DONE! I was done learning what God wants me to learn, done trying to muddle through understanding my bible study. I was just done! I have been saying that a lot lately though huh? Well I think that is because God IS changing things in my life and right now is that time where he is dragging me by my heals.
I naturally don't like doing what people tell me to do (you can ask my mom!) and so when I am supposed to start applying things from my bible study or when I read the bible apply things I learn from there. I don't want to do it! I like doing my thing in my time without anyone telling me otherwise. So I am having to go before God (dragging my feet, bottom lip sticking out and generally resentful/unhappy) and asking him to help me change that. I am thankful God isn't me because by now I would have thrown myself out on my substantial behind and said good riddance!
Today in my bible study they where talking about "drinking" from the Living Water (or Jesus). Also about sustaining from any other "fountains" we might be tempted to go to. That is HARD because food isn't my only fountain. I have many I drink from sometimes and God wants me to give them all up? Oh boy this is setting in for a fight...good thing God is loving and tough. I had to be honest and say yes I do want to give those up but am I really ready? Okay now who is ever REALLY ready to give those things up? Probably not many people or maybe there are but I know for me some I struggle with.
I know I am rambling and kind of going all over the place in this post so if you stuck along thank you. I feel like I learn nothing sometimes when I do my study, I put in the right words or answers but is it really affecting my life? Well I...I..I...I it is always the letter I that gets put there. So instead of relying on me knowing this I am trusting God. He brought this study into my life, so I know he has plans for it and is using it.
I have questioned and asked myself why God let me go through with Take Shape For Life, looking back it was a bad idea and I fell hard and fast from my man made pedestal. But you know if I never saw how futile and short lived man made things can be I wouldn't have gone to God. So it sucked, it hurt and I am not finished yet but looking back I see the purpose. God did it not to hurt me but to bring me closer to him, with the love and discipline of a Father he let me go down that path.
Today I ask that as God brings me through my anger, my stubborn unwillingness to listen and whatever else I am doing...that I would be yielding and listen. My heart would continue to change and I would put away things I used to do in replacement of drinking from Jesus. It is easier said than done and I can guarantee I will fail at times. Pray that not only I but other people would start to see the fruit in my life because of this. I want to be a light that shines for God, I am still a bit dingy and dull :).
Justine
But when I was in that temper snap all I wanted to do was jump in the car, grab a TON of food and run away, oh and quite the bible study as well. I was DONE! I was done learning what God wants me to learn, done trying to muddle through understanding my bible study. I was just done! I have been saying that a lot lately though huh? Well I think that is because God IS changing things in my life and right now is that time where he is dragging me by my heals.
I naturally don't like doing what people tell me to do (you can ask my mom!) and so when I am supposed to start applying things from my bible study or when I read the bible apply things I learn from there. I don't want to do it! I like doing my thing in my time without anyone telling me otherwise. So I am having to go before God (dragging my feet, bottom lip sticking out and generally resentful/unhappy) and asking him to help me change that. I am thankful God isn't me because by now I would have thrown myself out on my substantial behind and said good riddance!
Today in my bible study they where talking about "drinking" from the Living Water (or Jesus). Also about sustaining from any other "fountains" we might be tempted to go to. That is HARD because food isn't my only fountain. I have many I drink from sometimes and God wants me to give them all up? Oh boy this is setting in for a fight...good thing God is loving and tough. I had to be honest and say yes I do want to give those up but am I really ready? Okay now who is ever REALLY ready to give those things up? Probably not many people or maybe there are but I know for me some I struggle with.
I know I am rambling and kind of going all over the place in this post so if you stuck along thank you. I feel like I learn nothing sometimes when I do my study, I put in the right words or answers but is it really affecting my life? Well I...I..I...I it is always the letter I that gets put there. So instead of relying on me knowing this I am trusting God. He brought this study into my life, so I know he has plans for it and is using it.
I have questioned and asked myself why God let me go through with Take Shape For Life, looking back it was a bad idea and I fell hard and fast from my man made pedestal. But you know if I never saw how futile and short lived man made things can be I wouldn't have gone to God. So it sucked, it hurt and I am not finished yet but looking back I see the purpose. God did it not to hurt me but to bring me closer to him, with the love and discipline of a Father he let me go down that path.
Today I ask that as God brings me through my anger, my stubborn unwillingness to listen and whatever else I am doing...that I would be yielding and listen. My heart would continue to change and I would put away things I used to do in replacement of drinking from Jesus. It is easier said than done and I can guarantee I will fail at times. Pray that not only I but other people would start to see the fruit in my life because of this. I want to be a light that shines for God, I am still a bit dingy and dull :).
Justine
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