So as I stated in a previous blog I restarted my 60 day bible study. I have decided to do it a bit different and actually write out my lessons in my journal so as to have a physical hard copy of what I am doing. It takes up much more time on my lessons but I feel things sink in better this way.
What I am learning so far.....you can fall and you can fall HARD! Day 1 of my bible reboot started out just great. It was a half day and I felt confident and good about restarting, that was my first rookie mistake and downfall. I don't remember how it happened but I ended up pretty much binging after lunch happened. I fell back into old patterns, I started just any food I could get my hands on through out the day. Ran down to the store for some bagels and candy bars to eat on the way home, snacked all the way up to dinner and then after dinner I snuck more food into my bedroom to eat in bed.
Did I feel repentant or bad? I would love to say YES but I didn't...I did feel VERY guilty though and I KNEW I shouldn't be doing it. I felt so out of control and almost frantic to eat something else as soon as that first thing didn't fill whatever "void" was in my heart. I mean I was snarfing down candy bars and bagels all the way home from the store WHILE feeling frantic about what I could eat next...I felt like the friggin' Cookie Monster on steroids or something!
Let me back up though to what broke this camels back...
I started out doing well like I said but for some reason I was feeling very anxious that morning and some stuff fell through that I had planned on getting done. I got a call from a friend whom I hadn't talked to in a while (so good to hear from them!) but it brought back a lot of memories from when I did Take Shape For Life and rattled me pretty good. Those few things where just the TINY catalyst that caused me to just stumble and fall into my old deep pit of gluttony. This is NOT an excuse for what I did, I chose to go to my old standby of food instead of going before God.
Yesterday I did better...still not where I wanted to be I feel but better. Today...oh boy Cookie Monster on steroids was back! Okay maybe not on steroids but I definitely fell back into my oh so lovely old patterns on eating. It was the first day of Farmers Market and normally (okay last year) I wasn't allowed to have ANY of the loverly food they always sell (cookies/scones or whatever else it was I loved). So I admit I was excited because technically it was my "normal" day though I was still to eat within reason and because I was hungry not for my own gain. How long did that last? Riiiight until I walked out the door at 6:30am....yep I walked out that door thinking about all those good things I just MIGHT allow myself to it. That was my FIRST mistake...okay one of many first mistakes if I am being totally honest.
Suffice it to say I didn't eat with restraint as I should have...we shall leave it at that and leave the cookie carnage out of this blog. Children might be reading this you know ;). Okay seriously though I am VERY discouraged at just HOW easy it has been for me to fall back into these old habits and ways of thinking. Here I was patting myself on the back going "Man I am doing so good...yeah I am not where I want to be but man I am doing good!" and good ol' satan comes along and goes "Oooh hoho really now?". He just loves to tempt and poke and prod until you want to give in or just give in...which I did both of.
I am struggling with a repentant heart and even now as I sit here writing this in my dark room I ask myself...and I TRULY repentant about my gluttony and turning away from my sin to go towards God? I don't know that answer to that question though I wish I did...my dad said if I am asking myself those questions then yes I am learning something. I jokingly said "Yeah how NOT to go about doing this bible study"...and while yes that is true it donned on me that God is using these "EPIC FAILS" as lessons. Keepin' this Cookie Monster fiend humble and showing me just how easy it is for me to be given over to my own desires. Because that is exactly what happened, I gave into my own desire and didn't even take a first glance over my shoulder to God. Wow that is a harsh and cold thought for me to choke down.
I am beginning to see why it is SO important for me to arm myself with the Gospel. It might sound like a weird thing to use against physical temptations...because honestly how can the Gospel compare taste wise in relation to chocolate or a gooey cookie?? Well it isn't about taste...it is about which is going to fill you up and sustain you. You know the BIGGEST thing I learned (or should I say remembered) from my "fails"? Just how EMPTY I felt after eating all that food, I didn't feel satisfied, happy or even content. I felt sick, empty and out of control...even lost and a bit scared, that isn't exactly how I want to feel. But when I pick up my bible and read God's word? I feel...safe and while I not always feel physically full that deep void somewhere inside of me gets a little quieter and doesn't shout so loud.
This is a hard journey for me to be learning and I question myself daily if not even by the hour if I am truly turning away from my sin. I had a hour long talk with God today...some of it spent crying because I felt to wretched and weak in my sin. Can you pray that I can have a sense of direction or maybe even break through with this? If I am truly not repenting and turning from my sin pray for me that God will convict me of this and I would FINALLY repent and turn away. I am tired of falling...tired of sinning in this manner against God and most of all I am tired of fighting. I am tired of fighting my flesh...denying myself the desires I have for food. I want to curl into a ball with a HUGE plate of cake in my lap and give in...it might sound funny to some but to me it makes me sad.
Okay this was a SUPER long post...sorry about that. I hope I made some of you laugh and all of you think when you read this LOOONG blog post. All I ask for right now is prayer...pray that God will work in my heart, mind and spirit, pray that He will bring people along side of me who can keep me accountable and humble before the Lord. I need that right now...I need that so much.
God bless!
Justine
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