The time for tears has passed, the salty streaks are all that marks their passage. Eyes void of emotion stare out, unseeing into a world full of unknowns. Sheer will is the only thing keeping trembling knees from collapsing from beneath her. Fear runs unconfined while doubts and despair takes an ever strengthening hold. Eyes flutter closed as shuddering breaths come from between white thinly drawn lips, composure is just an illusion. A gentle tremor in the limbs becomes ever more violent as knees give way. Hands tremble even as they clasp tighter to cover her face, maybe in hopes of hiding or maybe just in hopes of keeping ever slipping emotions contained.


- This isn't finished...but right now I don't see a way out...

A heart aches, words can not be said that haven't already been uttered. A quiet prayer goes up to Him in hopes He might help her carry this burden tonight.

"Father,

I can not be there to tell her everything will be alright so would you whisper in her ear that You are there? My arms are not long enough to stretch the distance between us but Yours can hold her safe and close. Draw her into Your presence and keep her safe from what ever pain seeks to hurt her. When her strength fails her lend her Yours. Though I am unable to dry her tears You can catch every single one. My words may have left me but Yours will carry to her very soul. You know her heart better than anyone and You know how truly fragile she is but also what quiet strength she carries. Stand watch over her Lord as I cannot, send Your angels to keep watch tonight that she might have some peace. Jesus name...Amen"

You are My Betrothed

I crumple to the ground, warm salty tears slip over my hand as I try to stifle the sob threatening to break through my lips. I gasp as the pain threatens to overwhelm me, it radiates from the very core of me and I am barely able whisper "You do care for me don't You?". I feel like a child again for all I want is to matter. I want to know I am cared about, that He truly does love me. Though straining to hear even the slightest echo of His voice all I seem to hear is deep silence. Trembling I silently plead for Him to answer my cry. Unbidden a piece of scripture comes to mind...a promise He made to me.

Hosea 2: 19-20 "I will betroth you to Me forever; Yes I will betroth you to Me, In righteousness and justice, In lovingkindess and mercy; I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness, and you shall know the LORD"

I am reminded that He hasn't forsaken me, I am wanted and I do matter. He once before lead me to this verse to remind me in times when I feel He has forgotten me, He made a promise and it will be forever and I shall know Him. Satan may try to taunt me but God already chose me as His betrothed. God pointed me to that verse as a reminder of that promise He made that I might remember it every day.

Take My hand...such simple words for something so hard to do.

I stand here, feet firmly planted, I sense Him standing near me hand stretched outward toward my direction. If I should reach out and try to grasp it would my hand pass through as though it had no more substance than a cloud? Or would I feel a warm callused hand keeping mine secure. "Take My hand" was all He said yet here I am trembling in fear. How could He ask such a thing from me. Safety, safety is in distance yet here He is before me hand extended waiting for me to accept. Tears fall as a war wages silently inside of me.

"My Beloved", my eyes fly open at those words to meet His. "Put your hand in Mine and keep your eyes turned towards Me, I shall not fail you nor shall I forsake you. I once said "I will heal you of your faithlessness, my love will know no bounds". I alone have that power and I alone can truly say my love will know no bounds. I ask only that you take that first step and allow Me to do the rest, it won't always be easy nor will you always see the path but have heart in Me and place your faith in Me and I shall see you through."

Hosea 14:4 (New Living Translation)

4 The Lord says,
“Then I will heal you of your faithlessness;
my love will know no bounds,
for my anger will be gone forever.

"Is this what you want!" she screams at Him. "For me to loose all control with you!" comes from between clinched teeth, her fists beating a tattoo into His broad chest. "Fight me!" "Why won't you fight me and curse me!" she yells while seemingly He stands defenseless against her onslaught.

"I hate that you don't stop me from doing these things I hate so much! I hate how I can't seem to ever seem to feel You near me when I need you the most! Where were You when I was falling! What happened to Your promise of never leaving me! I prayed for You to save me but You never did! I tried to be happy at church and act like nothing happened but I knew I wasn't apart of them, I wasn't one of them"

She looks up to see silent tears streaming down His face. His arms come up around her trembling figure as she collapses weeping into His embrace.

"Yes my daughter this IS what I want! I won't fight you because I love you and how could I curse you? You have the power to stop these things if only you would give them to Me. I am always near you and by you but you close your ears to my words and harden your heart against my warnings.

I never left you even in your darkest hour I was by your side catching every tear that fell from your face. You tried to pretend to be something you are not this is why you feel apart from them. You are fallen and you will sin so why try to hide behind this facade of being perfect? Those who are in church are not better or worse than you and yet they are of My flock."

He lifts her face to look into His "I have given forgiveness to you but will you won't give it yourself? You hold so tightly to the past and to all these wrong doings you have committed. They are meager and poor in companionship so why do you keep them so close? I have already wiped your slate clean yet you keep them between us like a shield or armor. Let them go, give Me reign in your heart and your life."

So many things flying through my heads, countless thoughts and long lists of things left undone or yet to be started. My fears out way my faith and the harder I try to control the more I control I loose. I find myself asking "God, where are you? You said for me to have faith in You and trust You and I would be taken care of. If this is so then why do I feel more alone than ever?". I find I am caught in a whirlwind with no way to slow down.

Child,

You have given but pieces of yourself to me. Your fear hinders your faith in Me. There are still places in your heart you have barred me from entering. I won't push past these boundaries you have placed, but oh how I wish was given the chance to show you your faith in Me is not placed blindly.

Isaiah 41:13 (New King James Version)
13 For I, the LORD your God, will hold your right hand,
Saying to you, ‘Fear not, I will help you.

You somehow seem to think these things are to big for Me to handle or that they are too dark for me to see.

Jeremiah 32:27 "I am the Lord, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?"

Have you forgotten so soon that I know every deep dark desire in your heart? I know every trial and tribulation you shall be put to the test against.

1 John 3:20 (New King James Version)
"For if our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and knows all things."

Don't you see I don't want just parts of you, I want all of you. I want the secret dark areas that never see the light of day. Give me your biggest problems for I have the strength to carry them.

“Fear not: for I have redeemed you, I have called you by your name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you: when you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon you. For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior…” – Isaiah 43:1-3

So this I say unto you “Come unto me, all you that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and you shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” – Matthew 11:28-30

I can feel the winter chill nipping at my rosy cheeks as I amble down the drive. Sentinels wearing their leaves in crimson reds, dashing golds, and warm oranges provide a leafy canopy while a playful breeze scatters fallen leaves sending them swirling around my feet. I am joined by another, He is bundled against the cold though I have a feeling He wouldn't be bothered either way, a rather average looking fellow. As I glance at Him something leads me to believe He is about as far from average as you can get.

As we trudge along side by side our breath puffing out in small white clouds I glance sideways to get a closer look at Him. He is slightly taller than me with broad shoulders and regal bearing. His hands belong those that know of hard work and do not fear it though they bear unusual scars almost as if something at one point pierced right through them. He is young, barely reaching his mid-thirties and yet He seems to also be ageless. His eyes, those are what draw you in and pierce your very soul. He looks not through your or at you but into you, the very heart of you. Such sorrow is contained in their depths as if He alone carries the weight of all our burdens and pains.

Tears come unbidden to my eyes as I realize just who this man I walk beside is. This is the man who knows what it is like to be truly hated and scorned. Ridiculed by those whom He thought to be friends and peers and even betrayed by His own brethren. This is a man who has been beaten for what He believes in and yet He held true to His faith. He carried the very cross His hands and feet where nailed to. Put amongst thieves and bandits with a crown of thorns to grace His bloody brow.

This is the man who died so I might be able to walk beside Him and enjoy this beautiful day in His presence. Thank you Jesus for all you have sacrificed and done so I might live and walk by Your side admiring what the Father has created.