Daily Bible Study REBOOT

So as I stated in a previous blog I restarted my 60 day bible study.  I have decided to do it a bit different and actually write out my lessons in my journal so as to have a physical hard copy of what I am doing.  It takes up much more time on my lessons but I feel things sink in better this way.

What I am learning so far.....you can fall and you can fall HARD!  Day 1 of my bible reboot started out just great.  It was a half day and I felt confident and good about restarting, that was my first rookie mistake and downfall.  I don't remember how it happened but I ended up pretty much binging after lunch happened.  I fell back into old patterns, I started just any food I could get my hands on through out the day.  Ran down to the store for some bagels and candy bars to eat on the way home, snacked all the way up to dinner and then after dinner I snuck more food into my bedroom to eat in bed.

Did I feel repentant or bad?  I would love to say YES but I didn't...I did feel VERY guilty though and I KNEW I shouldn't be doing it.  I felt so out of control and almost frantic to eat something else as soon as that first thing didn't fill whatever "void" was in my heart.  I mean I was snarfing down candy bars and bagels all the way home from the store WHILE feeling frantic about what I could eat next...I felt like the friggin' Cookie Monster on steroids or something! 

Let me back up though to what broke this camels back...

I started out doing well like I said but for some reason I was feeling very anxious that morning and some stuff fell through that I had planned on getting done.  I got a call from a friend whom I hadn't talked to in a while (so good to hear from them!) but it brought back a lot of memories from when I did Take Shape For Life and rattled me pretty good.  Those few things where just the TINY catalyst that caused me to just stumble and fall into my old deep pit of gluttony.  This is NOT an excuse for what I did, I chose to go to my old standby of food instead of going before God.

Yesterday I did better...still not where I wanted to be I feel but better.  Today...oh boy Cookie Monster on steroids was back!  Okay maybe not on steroids but I definitely fell back into my oh so lovely old patterns on eating.  It was the first day of Farmers Market and normally (okay last year) I wasn't allowed to have ANY of the loverly food they always sell (cookies/scones or whatever else it was I loved).  So I admit I was excited because technically it was my "normal" day though I was still to eat within reason and because I was hungry not for my own gain.  How long did that last?  Riiiight until I walked out the door at 6:30am....yep I walked out that door thinking about all those good things I just MIGHT allow myself to it.  That was my FIRST mistake...okay one of many first mistakes if I am being totally honest.

Suffice it to say I didn't eat with restraint as I should have...we shall leave it at that and leave the cookie carnage out of this blog.  Children might be reading this you know ;).  Okay seriously though I am VERY discouraged at just HOW easy it has been for me to fall back into these old habits and ways of thinking.  Here I was patting myself on the back going "Man I am doing so good...yeah I am not where I want to be but man I am doing good!" and good ol' satan comes along and goes "Oooh hoho really now?".  He just loves to tempt and poke and prod until you want to give in or just give in...which I did both of.

I am struggling with a repentant heart and even now as I sit here writing this in my dark room I ask myself...and I TRULY repentant about my gluttony and turning away from my sin to go towards God?  I don't know that answer to that question though I wish I did...my dad said if I am asking myself those questions then yes I am learning something.  I jokingly said "Yeah how NOT to go about doing this bible study"...and while yes that is true it donned on me that God is using these "EPIC FAILS" as lessons.  Keepin' this Cookie Monster fiend humble and showing me just how easy it is for me to be given over to my own desires.  Because that is exactly what happened, I gave into my own desire and didn't even take a first glance over my shoulder to God.  Wow that is a harsh and cold thought for me to choke down.

I am beginning to see why it is SO important for me to arm myself with the Gospel.  It might sound like a weird thing to use against physical temptations...because honestly how can the Gospel compare taste wise in relation to chocolate or a gooey cookie??  Well it isn't about taste...it is about which is going to fill you up and sustain you.  You know the BIGGEST thing I learned (or should I say remembered) from my "fails"?  Just how EMPTY I felt after eating all that food, I didn't feel satisfied, happy or even content.  I felt sick, empty and out of control...even lost and a bit scared, that isn't exactly how I want to feel.  But when I pick up my bible and read God's word?  I feel...safe and while I not always feel physically full that deep void somewhere inside of me gets a little quieter and doesn't shout so loud.

This is a hard journey for me to be learning and I question myself daily if not even by the hour if I am truly turning away from my sin.  I had a hour long talk with God today...some of it spent crying because I felt to wretched and weak in my sin.  Can you pray that I can have a sense of direction or maybe even break through with this?  If I am truly not repenting and turning from my sin pray for me that God will convict me of this and I would FINALLY repent and turn away.  I am tired of falling...tired of sinning in this manner against God and most of all I am tired of fighting.  I am tired of fighting my flesh...denying myself the desires I have for food.  I want to curl into a ball with a HUGE plate of cake in my lap and give in...it might sound funny to some but to me it makes me sad.

Okay this was a SUPER long post...sorry about that.  I hope I made some of you laugh and all of you think when you read this LOOONG blog post.  All I ask for right now is prayer...pray that God will work in my heart, mind and spirit, pray that He will bring people along side of me who can keep me accountable and humble before the Lord.  I need that right now...I need that so much.

God bless!

Justine

Daily Bible Study - day 31

So today it gave me the option of going back and doing the first 30 days over again before continuing on to finish my 60 days.  I thought long and hard about it...it is a commitment doing just 60 days but being half way done felt good.  I feel though that I need to back at the beginning, I can glean more now I feel because I am starting for the right reasons.

I know I don't write daily though I wish I could.  Life gets busy and I end up forgetting or just not having time to sit down and organize my thoughts to put them down here.  I don't even know if people read my blog or what they even think of it.  This is more a way for me to rehash things and in some ways document my journey for myself.

I wish I felt I was better at blogging...I feel selfish that this blog is all about me.  But that is what a blog is right?  A documentation of someone's life or what they are learning/doing/teaching.  Forgive me it is late, I am exhausted so I am rambling quite a bit right now.  The whole reason I am writing this short blog is because I just wanted to say...I am starting over again.  I don't feel I am in the right place to continue on with this bible study and I want to go over my old lessons and relearn what was taught.

I also want to work on spending my mornings in the Bible and maybe even going out places to do my lessons instead of being holed up in my bedroom.  I am thinking maybe a local coffee shop or something along those lines as a place to sit and quietly do my lessons.  It will get me out into the world and maybe God will bring people into my life who can be an encouragement or maybe I can be the encourager.  I admit I am very nervous at the thought of starting back at square one with this whole bible study.  It is hard and for some reason my anxiety levels have been off the charts at home.  I have felt it bubbling up inside of me and I noticed since I haven't been spending as much time in God's word I find my eating habits going back to how they where.

I haven't said anything but doing this bible study I am following a guide line of how to eat.  I have 1 fast day, two juice days, two half days and two normal days.  Since I am restarting this bible study my fast days will be Sundays.  I have decided on my fast days to not only fast from food but to fast from any online or phone interactions.  I mean I will talk to people on the phone but I will not be using it for any other purpose but to be a phone.  I am wanting to do this because I have noticed my not so healthy addiction to getting on Facebook all the time or first getting online to distract myself from things.  This will be a challenge and for those of you who read this and know me please say something if you see me online during these fast days on Sundays.  I want to hold to what I say and until July 6th I will be fasting from those things.  I also want to be aware of what things I watch on those days and even the things I listen. 

Fast days are a day that I want to use to get closer to God.  Before it was hard because they where on Thursday which means I had to be online using the computer for my job.  Makes it MUCH harder to abstain and fast from things like that if you have to use facebook for work or be online for your job.  So I am thankful that now I can have Sundays as that fast day.  It will allow me to focus more on my relationship with God and less on my somewhat unhealthy facebook addiction :).  Okay long random blog over and done with, sorry it was such a rambling all over the place read.

I do ask for prayer, I ask that I would learn even more as I start over again.  I would be disciplined in my eating habits, I would start working out more and I would really apply these things in my life.

God bless!

Justine

Daily Bible Study - Contentment

You know I was going to start this out by stating all the things I don't have but that doesn't show that I have a heart of contentment.  I will start by saying that by the world standards yes I don't have a lot.  I live a pretty odd life compared to most people these days.

I quite my normal job to work for my parents, I don't have health insurance, I hardly make ends meat and I am pretty much living on my parents right now and have been since I quit my job.  I don't go out on weekends and I rarely even go out on a week night, I work hard and some would say I have very little to show for it.

But you know what?  I don't have a lot of worldly possessions and I don't do what "normal" people my age do.  I am not knocking going out on weekends or enjoying a week day out sometimes, that is good and sometimes needed!  But I know right now God has me in this place for a reason, he is teaching me to have a heart of contentment.  Not only with the little things he has given me but more importantly in him, he wants me to be content in HIM.

"Make sure that your character is free from the love of money, being content with what you have; for He Himself has said, "I WILL NEVER DESERT YOU, NOR WILL I EVER FORSAKE YOU," so that we confidently say, "THE LORD IS MY HELPER, I WILL NOT BE AFRAID. WHAT WILL MAN DO TO ME?" Hebrews 13:5-6"

 

This was one of the verses in my bible study today.  You know what struck me the very most?  That end part...it says "What will man do to me" and I thought yes but also what can man do FOR me?  I am starting to see not really a darn thing, not without God in the picture at least.  All things on this earth, the good, the bad or the in between come from God and only from God.   So I am learning contentment even in the hard times because I know that God has me where he wants me.

 

It is NOT always easy BELIEVE me, I get jealous and frustrated sometimes because I look at things from a human perspective.  I am human, I am sinful and I will fall in the flesh at times.  So this blog post is by no means me saying I am perfect or I finally have a true heart of contentment.  More like me saying "Okay I am slowly seeing the light here...I think I get it....sometimes".  I am learning at the times when my bank account is zero and I have all these things stacking up I need to....hit my knees and say "God help me...".  No seriously I have done that before *laughs*.

 

But I think what I am trying to really get at here is while I am not where I thought I wanted to be...I am happier and more content here than I probably would have been there (where ever there is).  I know that yes right now is a HARD time and a very trying time, sometimes I have to REALLY pray for that heart of contentment and trust that God will bring that to me.  Other times it comes more natural and easy, I love being able to work from home and I LOVE farming.  But these are physical things that in the end I won't be taking with me when I get to heaven.  So God is teaching me through all these trials, hard times and disappointments to have a heart of contentment in Him.

This ties into my food eating issues because I used to use food to find contentment.  I can't count all the ways I tried to use it for contentment or the reasons why but I know I did.  God is breaking me free of that illusion, I thank him for that.  It is painful, hard and I don't always like it but God keeps at it.

As always I ask for prayers that God would continue to humble me, break me and now bring a heart of contentment.  I still struggle daily, sometimes even by the hour to fight my bad habits and sinful thoughts.  So just pray that I can continue to grow and learn, that my heart will be responsive and soften to what I am being taught.

God bless you all...

Justine