Close your eyes.  Do you feel that?  The wind gently brushing your face, the gentle caress of warmth from the sun?.  Do you hear that?  The beautiful symphony the birds are weaving together, the rustle of leaves dancing in the breeze?  Do you smell it?  The scent of Lilacs filling the air?


Such a small piece of beauty on this earth, oh what Heaven must only be like.  I can only imagine what we will feel, hear, or smell when we finally get there.  My Grandpa is finally there and if only we could call Heaven and talk to our loved ones they might tell us.  My Grandpa passed away on April 26th from his battle with lung cancer.  Yes that dreaded C word, he was diagnosed the end of February 2012 and just a few short months last God called him home.


I wish I could say that I had a wonderful close relationship with my Grandpa but I didn't.  He was a good man who loved his family and above all else loved his God.  He could be a grump when I was growing up and I feel he didn't know how to show those closest to him how much he cared.  But in his last few days God showed HIM how much those around loved HIM.  He was astonished at how many people visited him and how many lives he had touched.  I got to see what everyone else saw in those last few days and for that I am so thankful.  He told me on Easter for the first time I can really remember that he loved me, even now I get tears thinking about hearing his voice say those words.


He went down hill fast.  He got diagnosed like I said in February after being in the hospital for a few weeks.  I don't want to put everything down that happened because I won't get everything right.  But I remember getting the call that he was in ICU.  He had gone in a week earlier because of collapsing at home.  They found out he had a bladder infection but he was supposed to be released to go home the next Thursday.  He never got a chance because the night before they rushed him into ICU due to finding another infection raging somewhere in his body.  They also discovered he had at least 2 blood clots (maybe more) and so they put him on blood thinners, after going on blood thinners he started bleeding out internally.  At this point it was a race as to which might kill him faster, the cancer, the blood clots or the bleeding out.


By this point if I remember right the doctors where hinting that the cancer had already moved to his bones.  So he had 5 spots on his brain, a spot on his lungs, it was in his chest itself (I think) and on his pancreas.  It wasn't a question anymore of him beating this but how did he want to die I guess.


Long story short it was decided that hospice was the best option and because of his internal bleeding he was able to go the the most amazing hospice place.  I will be ever grateful for the kindness and compassion of everyone at that place.  They treated my Grandpa so well and where so kind with all of us.  He got moved into the hospice place on Saturday April 21st  but I am going to jump ahead to Wednesday the 25th.  I had to work so I was unable to go see him until Wednesday but I knew in my heart I needed to be there with him.


I had gone and seen him the Thursday before when he was in ICU and I was unprepared for what I saw.  I didn't recognize the man laying in that bed as my Grandpa.  He was so pale and looked so gaunt my brain just couldn't compute.  I didn't want to cry in front of everyone so I tried to stay strong but I couldn't stay long with him though I wanted to.


Wednesday the 25th I went to go see him again had another shock at seeing how frail he looked.  This simply couldn't be my Grandpa lying there...it just couldn't.  It was getting harder and harder for him to stay awake and even speak but mom said he could hear everything even if it took him a bit to answer.  I gave him a foot massage and rubbed his hands, oh did he love that :).  I would sit by his bed and just hold his hand, not talking just being with him and letting him know I was there.


Skipping forward to that night.  My dad drove me and my mom home to freshen up and take care of all the critters, I had planned on staying home and going back in the morning.  But mom was so exhausted from being there for almost 5 days straight I told her I would take the night watch and stay with my Grandpa, she agreed and I went back with my dad.  When I got there I went to his room and told my Grandma to go ahead and sleep out on the couch I would stay with him.  By this point his breathing was getting harder and he was more restless, making noises sometimes or moving his hands a bit.


I let him know I was there and just sat next to the bed looking up some stuff on the web.  The night nurse came in a while later to give him his nightly medications and put a nebulizer on his face to help with his breathing.  He didn't like the nebulizer and kept trying to take it off.  I would grab his hands and say "No Grandpa it needs to stay on" to which he would say "Okay okay.." but he kept trying to take it off.


I noticed he had gone to the bathroom so I told the nurse they would need to clean him up again.  She looked and said we would wait until he was done with the nebulizer so his breathing would be better.  When they did come in to clean him up the nurses told me I should probably leave as it might be distressing for me to see it.  I asked if I could stay as long as I wasn't in the way and they agreed.


I won't say exactly what happened but cleaning him up they had to move him around which made he agitated and he got more vocal and moving his hands around.  He kept saying "Help me! Help me!" because he wanted to get up I think out of bed.  I know his breathing was getting worse and moving him didn't help even though it needed to be done.  I grabbed his hands and held them close to my chest and I told him this "Grandpa you are okay, I am right here holding on and I am not leaving or going anywhere you are okay".  I said other stuff but mainly I just kept telling him I wasn't ever letting go and he was okay, that calmed him down.  When ever I had to move I would always have one hand on him or talk to him letting him know I was right there and I wasn't going anywhere.


The nurses afterwards told me how wonderful I did with him being so caring and keeping him so calm.  At this point it was 2o'clock in the morning and I was getting tired, I pulled up the chair next to my Grandpa's bed so I would be close to him if he needed anything.  I got a little hungry so I let go of his hand so I could leave and grab a snack from the kitchen area.  When I started down the hall I could hear him getting restless and a bit vocal again so I went back in and told him I would be right back, he calmed down at this.


I grabbed a scone and went straight back to his room.  I sat down next to him and grabbed his hand again and just talked to him about anything and everything.  I kept telling him how much I loved him, at one point I held his hand to my face and just started crying.





I will write more later...I need to take a break.

Justine N.

I fall to my knees as weary trembling legs give out, they can carry me no farther. The ground beneath me grows damp from silent traitorous tears, my shoulders bow as the weight of what I carry fully settles on me. "Father" I whisper, "I can't fight anymore. I thought I could beat this, but the enemy is just so strong". Hands fall limp to my side as my head bows in defeat.

I feel the ground fall away as strong arms lift me up, "Let Me carry this burden now My daughter". My head rests against His chest, His heart beats strong and true in my ear. "You have fought bravely but now it is time for Me to take over for a while", "I will carry you until you are steady again". My eyes drift closed as my body sways in rhythm to His stride, "Thank you......Jesus".

Written by: Justine N.

"A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man needs to seek him in order to find her." - Author Unknown

I wanted to share this even though it isn't something I wrote because this is so true. To me it shows us God's promise to protect us if we fully trust in Him and it also shows how we should approach a romantic relationship. God should be the first and foremost in dating or marriage. I hope this gives you some food for thought.

Justine

What is strength? Is it that man who can lift weights heavier than his own body? Is it person who always has a smile on their face, someone who always has it together? Or is it that woman you see who is sometimes too sick to get out of bed yet still is able to sing praises.

What is beauty? Is it that supermodel walking down a runway? Is it that few extra pounds you wish you could loose? Or is it the woman who is loosing her hair due to chemo but she still can light up a room with her smile.

What is faith? Is it that guy who goes to church like clockwork every Sunday? Is it that gal who can quote every bible verse? Or is it that man who was just diagnosed with a life threatening disease but he has peace knowing God's plan is at work.

Strength comes from within, through trials and struggles, when you look fear in the face but you know God is bigger. Beauty is when you shine from within with God's love. Faith is when even the darkest of times you still know God will not forsake or leave you.

Psalm 16:8 I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

Psalm 18:2 The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.