I didn't think my life would be like this...single at 27 almost 28. I remember years ago sitting with my dad in a McDonalds late at night having coffee...I was telling him how I wished I could fast forward through my teenage years to my early 20's where I was married and had kids. I didn't know...how different my life was going to be.
Don't get me wrong I LOVE my life. I am thankful daily for what God has given me but sometimes that pang of lonely comes along. Growing up as a kid I knew I wanted to work with horses, wanted to sing but most of all I wanted to be a wife and mom. That was all I could think about, it was my life goal you could say. When I started in goats back when I was 15 my first thought was "I want to farm so when I have a family of my own my kids can grow up on a farm". You can see that I clearly still wanted my childhood dream. I always figured I would be married in my early 20's and have kids by my late 20's. That hasn't happened...well if you count the goat kids then the last part yes ;).
God has been really working on my heart these past few years. Showing me that while that dream wasn't bad I was putting my happiness....my worth....all my eggs into a basket that maybe wasn't where He was currently leading me. More than that I was looking to get my needs met through this world and not through God. Now don't misunderstand me, marriage is amazing and is something that is VERY Godly but that doesn't mean being single is ungodly or wrong. If being single is where God has you, then GREAT! It isn't a failure to follow what God asks you to do, if being single for now or maybe even for the rest of your life is what God calls you to do than by golly you do it. Because there is no better place to be than right where God wants you.
That being all said...that doesn't stop my heart from aching at times. There are times I am curled up crying because I ache SO much for my childhood dream to come true. God has put some things in my life that challenged that...finding out two years ago I had pretty major endometriosis and a tumor on my ovary was scary and had me seriously questioning if I could ever have my own kids. Even now after having surgery to "clean" everything out and being on hormones I still don't know if I will be able to have my own children or how hard that will be to get pregnant. I have come to peace with that, I am choosing to trust God with all of that (sometimes it is hard and I still cry and wonder).
I have decided....I am okay with not getting married or having my own family. Now this varies from day to day...sometimes I decide I am NOT okay with not getting married or having my own family. Not a single durn thing I can do about it either way really except pray. God knows my desires, He placed them in me for pete's sake.
I honestly have NO clue where I am going with this blog post. I guess a part of me wanted to whine about how I am single at my age and have a mini pity party about how I can't find a man....*sigh*.
My life...is so different from what I imagined it would be. I never imagined I would be where I am today. It doesn't look like much to the outside world maybe, but to me it is God's grace, my blood, sweat and tears and even more of God's grace for giving me those blood, sweat and tears. Do I always follow God? Nooope....I have a VERY strong willed nature and I like to do my own thing. This has proven...interesting in more ways that one. But God continues to work on my heart and teaching me to seek Him.
All I can say....is I am thankful for the life God has brought me to. I have learned a lot, so much more than I could put into words. I know myself well, I do not have any illusions as to where I would be or how I would have turned out without God in my life or things turning out this way. My life isn't as hard as some peoples but my life is also harder than others. That is neither here nor there really, God has me RIGHT where He wants me. So I am going to continue trusting in Him, letting Him lead and wondering how He will reveal Himself to me tomorrow.
Good night, good job for sticking through my late night open heated ramblings annnnnnd peace out!
God bless y'all! - Justine
Thursday, June 18, 2015
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Fear
Sometimes an overwhelming sense of fear can just paralyze. An urge to scream, cry or just crawl out of your own skin but yet no sound can make it past your lips. It sits festering in your belly, writhing like some living being trying to get out. I sit here, tears sitting on the edge ready to tumble over, afraid of....of what? I try to not allow myself to look past, measure my present by where I was in the past. But it still happens, I still look back and I still measure myself up to my past.
I am afraid, I took a temporary part time job. It will last but 6 weeks which works out perfectly with when I start with kidding season and milking the goats. But I find myself terrified, terrified that where I am right now isn't where God wants me. I find myself questioning, am I truly following what God asked me to do. I am amazed at how little my faith can be even when I am face to face with everything God has done in my life and in those around me.
I am sitting here struggling to put words on paper so that it might make sense in my mind. It doesn't seem like it is working to much, at least they are out of my head and in front me. I feel like I am failing, I feel inadequate or insufficient at leading others, be it in their walk of faith, in teaching them things I have learned, in the simple task of taking care of a child. I feel ill prepared, I can't even handle looking at my own life too close, how am I supposed to help others without failing them or letting them down.
I don't have a lot in my life, I don't keep a lot in my life. I have come to realize I am rather a minimalist not by nature but by life. Almost my entire world could fit in probably less than 10 boxes, most people my age have accumulated much more than that. I don't mind, it doesn't bother me, I don't even know why I felt the need to write it down. Maybe because it feels odd to me, in this day and age we put value based on how much we own, what we own and sometimes even why we own it.
So many things weighing on my mind and my heart. Sometimes I think I should blog, that I should write things I have learned or maybe what I have felt as God brings me through these different times. God has given me grace to see the small things that He has worked in my life for my good. But this big huge one still stares me right in the face and I honestly have NO idea where it is leading, how it will turn out or how it will end. That great illusive mystery is my life, don't scoff and think "Oh that is what everyone says" even though you are very true. What I mean is the different things that God has put in my life and brought me through, right now when I look at my life I only look to the next day, I try not even to think about the next week because honestly if I do I get terrified. I used to be able to not be scared by the future or making plans, but now the simple thought of planning my future no matter how near or far, stops me in my tracks.
Maybe this is a good thing, God does say worry not about tomorrow right? I could be getting my scripture mixed up so forgive me. I am not even sure I am making sense right now, I am just writing whatever comes into my head at the moment so forgive me if it is jargon and hard to follow. I guess what I am saying, I am trying to live my life with every day me looking toward God to get me through. God has been showing just how weak I am, in my flesh when I struggle with sin and with my soul when I struggle with trust and faith. It is a sobering mirror to look into, it shows just how....incapable we are without God.
I will complete this by saying I am not perfect, I am a child of God. All my messy bits, my hard bits, my selfish bits, my proud bits, my scary bits, even my good bits (I need to stop saying bits) are in God's hands. This is a peace I can rest in right now, God has my bits.
I am afraid, I took a temporary part time job. It will last but 6 weeks which works out perfectly with when I start with kidding season and milking the goats. But I find myself terrified, terrified that where I am right now isn't where God wants me. I find myself questioning, am I truly following what God asked me to do. I am amazed at how little my faith can be even when I am face to face with everything God has done in my life and in those around me.
I am sitting here struggling to put words on paper so that it might make sense in my mind. It doesn't seem like it is working to much, at least they are out of my head and in front me. I feel like I am failing, I feel inadequate or insufficient at leading others, be it in their walk of faith, in teaching them things I have learned, in the simple task of taking care of a child. I feel ill prepared, I can't even handle looking at my own life too close, how am I supposed to help others without failing them or letting them down.
I don't have a lot in my life, I don't keep a lot in my life. I have come to realize I am rather a minimalist not by nature but by life. Almost my entire world could fit in probably less than 10 boxes, most people my age have accumulated much more than that. I don't mind, it doesn't bother me, I don't even know why I felt the need to write it down. Maybe because it feels odd to me, in this day and age we put value based on how much we own, what we own and sometimes even why we own it.
So many things weighing on my mind and my heart. Sometimes I think I should blog, that I should write things I have learned or maybe what I have felt as God brings me through these different times. God has given me grace to see the small things that He has worked in my life for my good. But this big huge one still stares me right in the face and I honestly have NO idea where it is leading, how it will turn out or how it will end. That great illusive mystery is my life, don't scoff and think "Oh that is what everyone says" even though you are very true. What I mean is the different things that God has put in my life and brought me through, right now when I look at my life I only look to the next day, I try not even to think about the next week because honestly if I do I get terrified. I used to be able to not be scared by the future or making plans, but now the simple thought of planning my future no matter how near or far, stops me in my tracks.
Maybe this is a good thing, God does say worry not about tomorrow right? I could be getting my scripture mixed up so forgive me. I am not even sure I am making sense right now, I am just writing whatever comes into my head at the moment so forgive me if it is jargon and hard to follow. I guess what I am saying, I am trying to live my life with every day me looking toward God to get me through. God has been showing just how weak I am, in my flesh when I struggle with sin and with my soul when I struggle with trust and faith. It is a sobering mirror to look into, it shows just how....incapable we are without God.
I will complete this by saying I am not perfect, I am a child of God. All my messy bits, my hard bits, my selfish bits, my proud bits, my scary bits, even my good bits (I need to stop saying bits) are in God's hands. This is a peace I can rest in right now, God has my bits.
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
AWOL
Oh hello there! So I went rather AWOL the past few weeks....okay since my last blog post. What happened....what happened you might ask....
So as you might guess from the picture above I fell off the "wagon" so to speak. I was doing great after restarting my bible study though I still struggled. I ended up really falling on the 18th of June when I didn't even finish my fast day properly and things went down hill from there. I found myself struggling and not even doing my daily bible studies some days. I felt myself becoming more and more discouraged about what good this bible study was doing in my life and tired of sticking (so wrote stinking the first time) to the suggested food guide.
I was shocked, ashamed and discouraged at how easy it was for me to fall back into my old ways. I found myself sneaking food at night, going to the store so I could binge out on some cookies (my version of binging out that is) and just all around falling back into old habits. The farther I got into my old habits the more depressed I got and lets face it the harder my jeans where to button....which led to more depression which turned into eating more food which just made the jean buttoning worse.
I kept telling myself "Oh TOMORROW I will do it...." but tomorrow never came. In a very honest moment with my mom out in the barn the other day I think I got down to why I really stopped. I was tired...that is the plain, simple, ugly human truth of the matter. I was tired of being disciplined in my eating habits, looking at myself in the mirror (so to speak) while I did my bible study and NOT liking what I saw. Okay now to elaborate on not liking what I saw, I mean not physically (thought that was there) but spiritually. I didn't like God peeling back the layers of my heart and showing me just how ugly it truly was, because lets face it without God we are ugly, sinful people and not matter HOW hard we could try there is no way for us to change WITHOUT the Holy Spirit in us, Jesus saving us and God working through us.
That night in the barn I confessed this to my mom, tears started rolling down my face as I came to realize that I didn't want to take the hard road. I liked the easy road of eating what I wanted, when I wanted for whatever reason I wanted. I didn't WANT to be held accountable by God or anyone else, I didn't want to see all my hairy, brown, ugly and globulus warts. I didn't like fighting against my sinful human flesh when it cried out to go down the wrong path, I was tired, I felt oh so pitifully alone and I was just plain DONE with the whole enchilada. What God was asking of me was just to hard in my mind, I was done struggling and feeling like it got me nowhere. Hadn't I been through enough? Hadn't I given up enough for Him? Oh it hurt....oh the pain in seeing how frail and human I was to take that easy road out, even worse because God KNEW even before I did that this would happen.
I still feel like I can't do this...I am going into town later and in all honesty I plan on stopping by the local DQ for a blizzard and probably pick up some other junk food I shouldn't have. Why? Because I want it...because I can and because I already decided I will. But today I asked my mom to pray for me and she did....she prayed that God would give me a heart to delve deeper in to Him, that I would have the hunger to know Him better, I would turn back to him and he would reveal himself to me. I have tears in my eyes right now just thinking about what she prayed for me, I couldn't have prayed that prayer myself. I am still too busy trying to ignore the tugging on my heart from God but I knew I could have my mom pray for me.
I don't know how many times I will fall, how many times I will be discouraged and how many times I will need to be brought back to God. My mom said something really neat to me today...she said that 6 months ago she was praying that I would feel repentant, now she prays that I would see and KNOW God. I am a christian, I accepted Christ into my heart as a child but I don't KNOW God...not really. She also told me that God had spoken to her heart after she prayed, God spoke to her heart, He said that He has me....I am in the palm of His hand and I AM His. I started crying when she told me this...because I don't feel him near me and I don't hear him speaking to my heart anymore. I am looking, searching, YEARNING to know he is near me, that I am not gone from his sight and that HE has me in his great, big, capable hands. So to hear my mom say those words to me, that even though I feel like I left the path and I am on my own, in reality my Father has been by my side the whole time is both comforting and reassuring.
I want to start back up with my bible study tomorrow and get back on the food program thing. I also am going to start a bible study with my mom through the summer as a light bible study. I ask for prayers...pray that as I go through this bible study God would reveal himself to me. Pray that God would place the desire in my heart to stay true through the course of this study and not stray be it in my studies or my eating habits. It is NOT easy for me to stick with it and do these half days, juice days or even fast days and even the "normal" days are hard for me. I second guess EVERYTHING and if I fail even once I don't want to try anymore. Satan uses this against me, he knows this is my biggest weakness so when I fail he pushes on that sore spot until it bleeds and I am crying. Pray that God's angels would surround me when this happens and the enemy would not succeed in pushing me away from God.
I am a failure....and that is okay because when we fail God prevails. Nothing we can do on this earth can disrupt God's plans and as odd as that sounds I find it very comforting to know that even when I screw up, don't want to walk the path God wants and just generally act like a petulant teenager that doesn't stop God from working his good works. But referring back to what my mom said about God saying HE knows where I am and I am in HIS hands, that gives me faith that I am not forgotten and though I walked off into the mud and mire God has plans to bring me back to Him. I am not lost, I am not forgotten, I am not alone because my FATHER has plans to bring me back to Him. You have no idea how much comfort this gives me, I know on my own I wouldn't go back to him so to know HE has a plan and it is already in motion brings such a peace to my heart.
I am still tired, today I told God I was done...strike me down with a bolt of lightening because I wanted to just get on straight to heaven. Enough with the struggles, the shame, the pants that just DON'T WANT TO BUTTON! I still want to eat food I shouldn't, I still don't like seeing the ugly parts of myself be it physical or spiritual and I sure as heck don't like the idea of fighting the uphill fight anymore.
,My prayer to God:
Father I am putting myself in YOUR hands, you know my heart, you know my desires and you know how wicked my flesh is. I am trusting, I am putting my entire faith, hope and life in your hands that you will put in me a heart after you. Father, reveal yourself to me, open my eyes to who YOU are through this bible study, through my family and friends, through my struggles, through my trials, through my tears and through my triumphs bring me back to you. Jesus name...amen.
God bless!
Justine
 |
| This happened.....oh yeah. |
I was shocked, ashamed and discouraged at how easy it was for me to fall back into my old ways. I found myself sneaking food at night, going to the store so I could binge out on some cookies (my version of binging out that is) and just all around falling back into old habits. The farther I got into my old habits the more depressed I got and lets face it the harder my jeans where to button....which led to more depression which turned into eating more food which just made the jean buttoning worse.
I kept telling myself "Oh TOMORROW I will do it...." but tomorrow never came. In a very honest moment with my mom out in the barn the other day I think I got down to why I really stopped. I was tired...that is the plain, simple, ugly human truth of the matter. I was tired of being disciplined in my eating habits, looking at myself in the mirror (so to speak) while I did my bible study and NOT liking what I saw. Okay now to elaborate on not liking what I saw, I mean not physically (thought that was there) but spiritually. I didn't like God peeling back the layers of my heart and showing me just how ugly it truly was, because lets face it without God we are ugly, sinful people and not matter HOW hard we could try there is no way for us to change WITHOUT the Holy Spirit in us, Jesus saving us and God working through us.
That night in the barn I confessed this to my mom, tears started rolling down my face as I came to realize that I didn't want to take the hard road. I liked the easy road of eating what I wanted, when I wanted for whatever reason I wanted. I didn't WANT to be held accountable by God or anyone else, I didn't want to see all my hairy, brown, ugly and globulus warts. I didn't like fighting against my sinful human flesh when it cried out to go down the wrong path, I was tired, I felt oh so pitifully alone and I was just plain DONE with the whole enchilada. What God was asking of me was just to hard in my mind, I was done struggling and feeling like it got me nowhere. Hadn't I been through enough? Hadn't I given up enough for Him? Oh it hurt....oh the pain in seeing how frail and human I was to take that easy road out, even worse because God KNEW even before I did that this would happen.
I still feel like I can't do this...I am going into town later and in all honesty I plan on stopping by the local DQ for a blizzard and probably pick up some other junk food I shouldn't have. Why? Because I want it...because I can and because I already decided I will. But today I asked my mom to pray for me and she did....she prayed that God would give me a heart to delve deeper in to Him, that I would have the hunger to know Him better, I would turn back to him and he would reveal himself to me. I have tears in my eyes right now just thinking about what she prayed for me, I couldn't have prayed that prayer myself. I am still too busy trying to ignore the tugging on my heart from God but I knew I could have my mom pray for me.
I don't know how many times I will fall, how many times I will be discouraged and how many times I will need to be brought back to God. My mom said something really neat to me today...she said that 6 months ago she was praying that I would feel repentant, now she prays that I would see and KNOW God. I am a christian, I accepted Christ into my heart as a child but I don't KNOW God...not really. She also told me that God had spoken to her heart after she prayed, God spoke to her heart, He said that He has me....I am in the palm of His hand and I AM His. I started crying when she told me this...because I don't feel him near me and I don't hear him speaking to my heart anymore. I am looking, searching, YEARNING to know he is near me, that I am not gone from his sight and that HE has me in his great, big, capable hands. So to hear my mom say those words to me, that even though I feel like I left the path and I am on my own, in reality my Father has been by my side the whole time is both comforting and reassuring.
I want to start back up with my bible study tomorrow and get back on the food program thing. I also am going to start a bible study with my mom through the summer as a light bible study. I ask for prayers...pray that as I go through this bible study God would reveal himself to me. Pray that God would place the desire in my heart to stay true through the course of this study and not stray be it in my studies or my eating habits. It is NOT easy for me to stick with it and do these half days, juice days or even fast days and even the "normal" days are hard for me. I second guess EVERYTHING and if I fail even once I don't want to try anymore. Satan uses this against me, he knows this is my biggest weakness so when I fail he pushes on that sore spot until it bleeds and I am crying. Pray that God's angels would surround me when this happens and the enemy would not succeed in pushing me away from God.
I am a failure....and that is okay because when we fail God prevails. Nothing we can do on this earth can disrupt God's plans and as odd as that sounds I find it very comforting to know that even when I screw up, don't want to walk the path God wants and just generally act like a petulant teenager that doesn't stop God from working his good works. But referring back to what my mom said about God saying HE knows where I am and I am in HIS hands, that gives me faith that I am not forgotten and though I walked off into the mud and mire God has plans to bring me back to Him. I am not lost, I am not forgotten, I am not alone because my FATHER has plans to bring me back to Him. You have no idea how much comfort this gives me, I know on my own I wouldn't go back to him so to know HE has a plan and it is already in motion brings such a peace to my heart.
I am still tired, today I told God I was done...strike me down with a bolt of lightening because I wanted to just get on straight to heaven. Enough with the struggles, the shame, the pants that just DON'T WANT TO BUTTON! I still want to eat food I shouldn't, I still don't like seeing the ugly parts of myself be it physical or spiritual and I sure as heck don't like the idea of fighting the uphill fight anymore.
,My prayer to God:
Father I am putting myself in YOUR hands, you know my heart, you know my desires and you know how wicked my flesh is. I am trusting, I am putting my entire faith, hope and life in your hands that you will put in me a heart after you. Father, reveal yourself to me, open my eyes to who YOU are through this bible study, through my family and friends, through my struggles, through my trials, through my tears and through my triumphs bring me back to you. Jesus name...amen.
God bless!
Justine
Saturday, May 10, 2014
Daily Bible Study REBOOT
So as I stated in a previous blog I restarted my 60 day bible study. I have decided to do it a bit different and actually write out my lessons in my journal so as to have a physical hard copy of what I am doing. It takes up much more time on my lessons but I feel things sink in better this way.
What I am learning so far.....you can fall and you can fall HARD! Day 1 of my bible reboot started out just great. It was a half day and I felt confident and good about restarting, that was my first rookie mistake and downfall. I don't remember how it happened but I ended up pretty much binging after lunch happened. I fell back into old patterns, I started just any food I could get my hands on through out the day. Ran down to the store for some bagels and candy bars to eat on the way home, snacked all the way up to dinner and then after dinner I snuck more food into my bedroom to eat in bed.
Did I feel repentant or bad? I would love to say YES but I didn't...I did feel VERY guilty though and I KNEW I shouldn't be doing it. I felt so out of control and almost frantic to eat something else as soon as that first thing didn't fill whatever "void" was in my heart. I mean I was snarfing down candy bars and bagels all the way home from the store WHILE feeling frantic about what I could eat next...I felt like the friggin' Cookie Monster on steroids or something!
Let me back up though to what broke this camels back...
I started out doing well like I said but for some reason I was feeling very anxious that morning and some stuff fell through that I had planned on getting done. I got a call from a friend whom I hadn't talked to in a while (so good to hear from them!) but it brought back a lot of memories from when I did Take Shape For Life and rattled me pretty good. Those few things where just the TINY catalyst that caused me to just stumble and fall into my old deep pit of gluttony. This is NOT an excuse for what I did, I chose to go to my old standby of food instead of going before God.
Yesterday I did better...still not where I wanted to be I feel but better. Today...oh boy Cookie Monster on steroids was back! Okay maybe not on steroids but I definitely fell back into my oh so lovely old patterns on eating. It was the first day of Farmers Market and normally (okay last year) I wasn't allowed to have ANY of the loverly food they always sell (cookies/scones or whatever else it was I loved). So I admit I was excited because technically it was my "normal" day though I was still to eat within reason and because I was hungry not for my own gain. How long did that last? Riiiight until I walked out the door at 6:30am....yep I walked out that door thinking about all those good things I just MIGHT allow myself to it. That was my FIRST mistake...okay one of many first mistakes if I am being totally honest.
Suffice it to say I didn't eat with restraint as I should have...we shall leave it at that and leave the cookie carnage out of this blog. Children might be reading this you know ;). Okay seriously though I am VERY discouraged at just HOW easy it has been for me to fall back into these old habits and ways of thinking. Here I was patting myself on the back going "Man I am doing so good...yeah I am not where I want to be but man I am doing good!" and good ol' satan comes along and goes "Oooh hoho really now?". He just loves to tempt and poke and prod until you want to give in or just give in...which I did both of.
I am struggling with a repentant heart and even now as I sit here writing this in my dark room I ask myself...and I TRULY repentant about my gluttony and turning away from my sin to go towards God? I don't know that answer to that question though I wish I did...my dad said if I am asking myself those questions then yes I am learning something. I jokingly said "Yeah how NOT to go about doing this bible study"...and while yes that is true it donned on me that God is using these "EPIC FAILS" as lessons. Keepin' this Cookie Monster fiend humble and showing me just how easy it is for me to be given over to my own desires. Because that is exactly what happened, I gave into my own desire and didn't even take a first glance over my shoulder to God. Wow that is a harsh and cold thought for me to choke down.
I am beginning to see why it is SO important for me to arm myself with the Gospel. It might sound like a weird thing to use against physical temptations...because honestly how can the Gospel compare taste wise in relation to chocolate or a gooey cookie?? Well it isn't about taste...it is about which is going to fill you up and sustain you. You know the BIGGEST thing I learned (or should I say remembered) from my "fails"? Just how EMPTY I felt after eating all that food, I didn't feel satisfied, happy or even content. I felt sick, empty and out of control...even lost and a bit scared, that isn't exactly how I want to feel. But when I pick up my bible and read God's word? I feel...safe and while I not always feel physically full that deep void somewhere inside of me gets a little quieter and doesn't shout so loud.
This is a hard journey for me to be learning and I question myself daily if not even by the hour if I am truly turning away from my sin. I had a hour long talk with God today...some of it spent crying because I felt to wretched and weak in my sin. Can you pray that I can have a sense of direction or maybe even break through with this? If I am truly not repenting and turning from my sin pray for me that God will convict me of this and I would FINALLY repent and turn away. I am tired of falling...tired of sinning in this manner against God and most of all I am tired of fighting. I am tired of fighting my flesh...denying myself the desires I have for food. I want to curl into a ball with a HUGE plate of cake in my lap and give in...it might sound funny to some but to me it makes me sad.
Okay this was a SUPER long post...sorry about that. I hope I made some of you laugh and all of you think when you read this LOOONG blog post. All I ask for right now is prayer...pray that God will work in my heart, mind and spirit, pray that He will bring people along side of me who can keep me accountable and humble before the Lord. I need that right now...I need that so much.
God bless!
Justine
What I am learning so far.....you can fall and you can fall HARD! Day 1 of my bible reboot started out just great. It was a half day and I felt confident and good about restarting, that was my first rookie mistake and downfall. I don't remember how it happened but I ended up pretty much binging after lunch happened. I fell back into old patterns, I started just any food I could get my hands on through out the day. Ran down to the store for some bagels and candy bars to eat on the way home, snacked all the way up to dinner and then after dinner I snuck more food into my bedroom to eat in bed.
Did I feel repentant or bad? I would love to say YES but I didn't...I did feel VERY guilty though and I KNEW I shouldn't be doing it. I felt so out of control and almost frantic to eat something else as soon as that first thing didn't fill whatever "void" was in my heart. I mean I was snarfing down candy bars and bagels all the way home from the store WHILE feeling frantic about what I could eat next...I felt like the friggin' Cookie Monster on steroids or something!
Let me back up though to what broke this camels back...
I started out doing well like I said but for some reason I was feeling very anxious that morning and some stuff fell through that I had planned on getting done. I got a call from a friend whom I hadn't talked to in a while (so good to hear from them!) but it brought back a lot of memories from when I did Take Shape For Life and rattled me pretty good. Those few things where just the TINY catalyst that caused me to just stumble and fall into my old deep pit of gluttony. This is NOT an excuse for what I did, I chose to go to my old standby of food instead of going before God.
Yesterday I did better...still not where I wanted to be I feel but better. Today...oh boy Cookie Monster on steroids was back! Okay maybe not on steroids but I definitely fell back into my oh so lovely old patterns on eating. It was the first day of Farmers Market and normally (okay last year) I wasn't allowed to have ANY of the loverly food they always sell (cookies/scones or whatever else it was I loved). So I admit I was excited because technically it was my "normal" day though I was still to eat within reason and because I was hungry not for my own gain. How long did that last? Riiiight until I walked out the door at 6:30am....yep I walked out that door thinking about all those good things I just MIGHT allow myself to it. That was my FIRST mistake...okay one of many first mistakes if I am being totally honest.
Suffice it to say I didn't eat with restraint as I should have...we shall leave it at that and leave the cookie carnage out of this blog. Children might be reading this you know ;). Okay seriously though I am VERY discouraged at just HOW easy it has been for me to fall back into these old habits and ways of thinking. Here I was patting myself on the back going "Man I am doing so good...yeah I am not where I want to be but man I am doing good!" and good ol' satan comes along and goes "Oooh hoho really now?". He just loves to tempt and poke and prod until you want to give in or just give in...which I did both of.
I am struggling with a repentant heart and even now as I sit here writing this in my dark room I ask myself...and I TRULY repentant about my gluttony and turning away from my sin to go towards God? I don't know that answer to that question though I wish I did...my dad said if I am asking myself those questions then yes I am learning something. I jokingly said "Yeah how NOT to go about doing this bible study"...and while yes that is true it donned on me that God is using these "EPIC FAILS" as lessons. Keepin' this Cookie Monster fiend humble and showing me just how easy it is for me to be given over to my own desires. Because that is exactly what happened, I gave into my own desire and didn't even take a first glance over my shoulder to God. Wow that is a harsh and cold thought for me to choke down.
I am beginning to see why it is SO important for me to arm myself with the Gospel. It might sound like a weird thing to use against physical temptations...because honestly how can the Gospel compare taste wise in relation to chocolate or a gooey cookie?? Well it isn't about taste...it is about which is going to fill you up and sustain you. You know the BIGGEST thing I learned (or should I say remembered) from my "fails"? Just how EMPTY I felt after eating all that food, I didn't feel satisfied, happy or even content. I felt sick, empty and out of control...even lost and a bit scared, that isn't exactly how I want to feel. But when I pick up my bible and read God's word? I feel...safe and while I not always feel physically full that deep void somewhere inside of me gets a little quieter and doesn't shout so loud.
This is a hard journey for me to be learning and I question myself daily if not even by the hour if I am truly turning away from my sin. I had a hour long talk with God today...some of it spent crying because I felt to wretched and weak in my sin. Can you pray that I can have a sense of direction or maybe even break through with this? If I am truly not repenting and turning from my sin pray for me that God will convict me of this and I would FINALLY repent and turn away. I am tired of falling...tired of sinning in this manner against God and most of all I am tired of fighting. I am tired of fighting my flesh...denying myself the desires I have for food. I want to curl into a ball with a HUGE plate of cake in my lap and give in...it might sound funny to some but to me it makes me sad.
Okay this was a SUPER long post...sorry about that. I hope I made some of you laugh and all of you think when you read this LOOONG blog post. All I ask for right now is prayer...pray that God will work in my heart, mind and spirit, pray that He will bring people along side of me who can keep me accountable and humble before the Lord. I need that right now...I need that so much.
God bless!
Justine
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
Daily Bible Study - day 31
So today it gave me the option of going back and doing the first 30 days over again before continuing on to finish my 60 days. I thought long and hard about it...it is a commitment doing just 60 days but being half way done felt good. I feel though that I need to back at the beginning, I can glean more now I feel because I am starting for the right reasons.
I know I don't write daily though I wish I could. Life gets busy and I end up forgetting or just not having time to sit down and organize my thoughts to put them down here. I don't even know if people read my blog or what they even think of it. This is more a way for me to rehash things and in some ways document my journey for myself.
I wish I felt I was better at blogging...I feel selfish that this blog is all about me. But that is what a blog is right? A documentation of someone's life or what they are learning/doing/teaching. Forgive me it is late, I am exhausted so I am rambling quite a bit right now. The whole reason I am writing this short blog is because I just wanted to say...I am starting over again. I don't feel I am in the right place to continue on with this bible study and I want to go over my old lessons and relearn what was taught.
I also want to work on spending my mornings in the Bible and maybe even going out places to do my lessons instead of being holed up in my bedroom. I am thinking maybe a local coffee shop or something along those lines as a place to sit and quietly do my lessons. It will get me out into the world and maybe God will bring people into my life who can be an encouragement or maybe I can be the encourager. I admit I am very nervous at the thought of starting back at square one with this whole bible study. It is hard and for some reason my anxiety levels have been off the charts at home. I have felt it bubbling up inside of me and I noticed since I haven't been spending as much time in God's word I find my eating habits going back to how they where.
I haven't said anything but doing this bible study I am following a guide line of how to eat. I have 1 fast day, two juice days, two half days and two normal days. Since I am restarting this bible study my fast days will be Sundays. I have decided on my fast days to not only fast from food but to fast from any online or phone interactions. I mean I will talk to people on the phone but I will not be using it for any other purpose but to be a phone. I am wanting to do this because I have noticed my not so healthy addiction to getting on Facebook all the time or first getting online to distract myself from things. This will be a challenge and for those of you who read this and know me please say something if you see me online during these fast days on Sundays. I want to hold to what I say and until July 6th I will be fasting from those things. I also want to be aware of what things I watch on those days and even the things I listen.
Fast days are a day that I want to use to get closer to God. Before it was hard because they where on Thursday which means I had to be online using the computer for my job. Makes it MUCH harder to abstain and fast from things like that if you have to use facebook for work or be online for your job. So I am thankful that now I can have Sundays as that fast day. It will allow me to focus more on my relationship with God and less on my somewhat unhealthy facebook addiction :). Okay long random blog over and done with, sorry it was such a rambling all over the place read.
I do ask for prayer, I ask that I would learn even more as I start over again. I would be disciplined in my eating habits, I would start working out more and I would really apply these things in my life.
God bless!
Justine
I know I don't write daily though I wish I could. Life gets busy and I end up forgetting or just not having time to sit down and organize my thoughts to put them down here. I don't even know if people read my blog or what they even think of it. This is more a way for me to rehash things and in some ways document my journey for myself.
I wish I felt I was better at blogging...I feel selfish that this blog is all about me. But that is what a blog is right? A documentation of someone's life or what they are learning/doing/teaching. Forgive me it is late, I am exhausted so I am rambling quite a bit right now. The whole reason I am writing this short blog is because I just wanted to say...I am starting over again. I don't feel I am in the right place to continue on with this bible study and I want to go over my old lessons and relearn what was taught.
I also want to work on spending my mornings in the Bible and maybe even going out places to do my lessons instead of being holed up in my bedroom. I am thinking maybe a local coffee shop or something along those lines as a place to sit and quietly do my lessons. It will get me out into the world and maybe God will bring people into my life who can be an encouragement or maybe I can be the encourager. I admit I am very nervous at the thought of starting back at square one with this whole bible study. It is hard and for some reason my anxiety levels have been off the charts at home. I have felt it bubbling up inside of me and I noticed since I haven't been spending as much time in God's word I find my eating habits going back to how they where.
I haven't said anything but doing this bible study I am following a guide line of how to eat. I have 1 fast day, two juice days, two half days and two normal days. Since I am restarting this bible study my fast days will be Sundays. I have decided on my fast days to not only fast from food but to fast from any online or phone interactions. I mean I will talk to people on the phone but I will not be using it for any other purpose but to be a phone. I am wanting to do this because I have noticed my not so healthy addiction to getting on Facebook all the time or first getting online to distract myself from things. This will be a challenge and for those of you who read this and know me please say something if you see me online during these fast days on Sundays. I want to hold to what I say and until July 6th I will be fasting from those things. I also want to be aware of what things I watch on those days and even the things I listen.
Fast days are a day that I want to use to get closer to God. Before it was hard because they where on Thursday which means I had to be online using the computer for my job. Makes it MUCH harder to abstain and fast from things like that if you have to use facebook for work or be online for your job. So I am thankful that now I can have Sundays as that fast day. It will allow me to focus more on my relationship with God and less on my somewhat unhealthy facebook addiction :). Okay long random blog over and done with, sorry it was such a rambling all over the place read.
I do ask for prayer, I ask that I would learn even more as I start over again. I would be disciplined in my eating habits, I would start working out more and I would really apply these things in my life.
God bless!
Justine
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Daily Bible Study - Contentment
You know I was going to start this out by stating all the things I don't have but that doesn't show that I have a heart of contentment. I will start by saying that by the world standards yes I don't have a lot. I live a pretty odd life compared to most people these days.
I quite my normal job to work for my parents, I don't have health insurance, I hardly make ends meat and I am pretty much living on my parents right now and have been since I quit my job. I don't go out on weekends and I rarely even go out on a week night, I work hard and some would say I have very little to show for it.
But you know what? I don't have a lot of worldly possessions and I don't do what "normal" people my age do. I am not knocking going out on weekends or enjoying a week day out sometimes, that is good and sometimes needed! But I know right now God has me in this place for a reason, he is teaching me to have a heart of contentment. Not only with the little things he has given me but more importantly in him, he wants me to be content in HIM.
I quite my normal job to work for my parents, I don't have health insurance, I hardly make ends meat and I am pretty much living on my parents right now and have been since I quit my job. I don't go out on weekends and I rarely even go out on a week night, I work hard and some would say I have very little to show for it.
But you know what? I don't have a lot of worldly possessions and I don't do what "normal" people my age do. I am not knocking going out on weekends or enjoying a week day out sometimes, that is good and sometimes needed! But I know right now God has me in this place for a reason, he is teaching me to have a heart of contentment. Not only with the little things he has given me but more importantly in him, he wants me to be content in HIM.
"Make sure that your character is free from the love of money,
being content with what you have; for He Himself has said, "I WILL NEVER
DESERT YOU, NOR WILL I EVER FORSAKE YOU," so that we confidently say,
"THE LORD IS MY HELPER, I WILL NOT BE AFRAID. WHAT WILL MAN DO TO ME?"
Hebrews 13:5-6"
This was one of the verses in my bible study today. You know what struck me the very most? That end part...it says "What will man do to me" and I thought yes but also what can man do FOR me? I am starting to see not really a darn thing, not without God in the picture at least. All things on this earth, the good, the bad or the in between come from God and only from God. So I am learning contentment even in the hard times because I know that God has me where he wants me.
It is NOT always easy BELIEVE me, I get jealous and frustrated sometimes because I look at things from a human perspective. I am human, I am sinful and I will fall in the flesh at times. So this blog post is by no means me saying I am perfect or I finally have a true heart of contentment. More like me saying "Okay I am slowly seeing the light here...I think I get it....sometimes". I am learning at the times when my bank account is zero and I have all these things stacking up I need to....hit my knees and say "God help me...". No seriously I have done that before *laughs*.
But I think what I am trying to really get at here is while I am not where I thought I wanted to be...I am happier and more content here than I probably would have been there (where ever there is). I know that yes right now is a HARD time and a very trying time, sometimes I have to REALLY pray for that heart of contentment and trust that God will bring that to me. Other times it comes more natural and easy, I love being able to work from home and I LOVE farming. But these are physical things that in the end I won't be taking with me when I get to heaven. So God is teaching me through all these trials, hard times and disappointments to have a heart of contentment in Him.
This ties into my food eating issues because I used to use food to find contentment. I can't count all the ways I tried to use it for contentment or the reasons why but I know I did. God is breaking me free of that illusion, I thank him for that. It is painful, hard and I don't always like it but God keeps at it.
As always I ask for prayers that God would continue to humble me, break me and now bring a heart of contentment. I still struggle daily, sometimes even by the hour to fight my bad habits and sinful thoughts. So just pray that I can continue to grow and learn, that my heart will be responsive and soften to what I am being taught.
God bless you all...
Justine
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Daily Bible Study update
So today will not be just about my bible study. For those of you who know me I can have a temper and it isn't a pretty one. I admit this and I am going to God and working on it. This morning I ended up having a major temper snap and just broke and then after a few minutes I started crying (couldn't stop) and shaking.
But when I was in that temper snap all I wanted to do was jump in the car, grab a TON of food and run away, oh and quite the bible study as well. I was DONE! I was done learning what God wants me to learn, done trying to muddle through understanding my bible study. I was just done! I have been saying that a lot lately though huh? Well I think that is because God IS changing things in my life and right now is that time where he is dragging me by my heals.
I naturally don't like doing what people tell me to do (you can ask my mom!) and so when I am supposed to start applying things from my bible study or when I read the bible apply things I learn from there. I don't want to do it! I like doing my thing in my time without anyone telling me otherwise. So I am having to go before God (dragging my feet, bottom lip sticking out and generally resentful/unhappy) and asking him to help me change that. I am thankful God isn't me because by now I would have thrown myself out on my substantial behind and said good riddance!
Today in my bible study they where talking about "drinking" from the Living Water (or Jesus). Also about sustaining from any other "fountains" we might be tempted to go to. That is HARD because food isn't my only fountain. I have many I drink from sometimes and God wants me to give them all up? Oh boy this is setting in for a fight...good thing God is loving and tough. I had to be honest and say yes I do want to give those up but am I really ready? Okay now who is ever REALLY ready to give those things up? Probably not many people or maybe there are but I know for me some I struggle with.
I know I am rambling and kind of going all over the place in this post so if you stuck along thank you. I feel like I learn nothing sometimes when I do my study, I put in the right words or answers but is it really affecting my life? Well I...I..I...I it is always the letter I that gets put there. So instead of relying on me knowing this I am trusting God. He brought this study into my life, so I know he has plans for it and is using it.
I have questioned and asked myself why God let me go through with Take Shape For Life, looking back it was a bad idea and I fell hard and fast from my man made pedestal. But you know if I never saw how futile and short lived man made things can be I wouldn't have gone to God. So it sucked, it hurt and I am not finished yet but looking back I see the purpose. God did it not to hurt me but to bring me closer to him, with the love and discipline of a Father he let me go down that path.
Today I ask that as God brings me through my anger, my stubborn unwillingness to listen and whatever else I am doing...that I would be yielding and listen. My heart would continue to change and I would put away things I used to do in replacement of drinking from Jesus. It is easier said than done and I can guarantee I will fail at times. Pray that not only I but other people would start to see the fruit in my life because of this. I want to be a light that shines for God, I am still a bit dingy and dull :).
Justine
But when I was in that temper snap all I wanted to do was jump in the car, grab a TON of food and run away, oh and quite the bible study as well. I was DONE! I was done learning what God wants me to learn, done trying to muddle through understanding my bible study. I was just done! I have been saying that a lot lately though huh? Well I think that is because God IS changing things in my life and right now is that time where he is dragging me by my heals.
I naturally don't like doing what people tell me to do (you can ask my mom!) and so when I am supposed to start applying things from my bible study or when I read the bible apply things I learn from there. I don't want to do it! I like doing my thing in my time without anyone telling me otherwise. So I am having to go before God (dragging my feet, bottom lip sticking out and generally resentful/unhappy) and asking him to help me change that. I am thankful God isn't me because by now I would have thrown myself out on my substantial behind and said good riddance!
Today in my bible study they where talking about "drinking" from the Living Water (or Jesus). Also about sustaining from any other "fountains" we might be tempted to go to. That is HARD because food isn't my only fountain. I have many I drink from sometimes and God wants me to give them all up? Oh boy this is setting in for a fight...good thing God is loving and tough. I had to be honest and say yes I do want to give those up but am I really ready? Okay now who is ever REALLY ready to give those things up? Probably not many people or maybe there are but I know for me some I struggle with.
I know I am rambling and kind of going all over the place in this post so if you stuck along thank you. I feel like I learn nothing sometimes when I do my study, I put in the right words or answers but is it really affecting my life? Well I...I..I...I it is always the letter I that gets put there. So instead of relying on me knowing this I am trusting God. He brought this study into my life, so I know he has plans for it and is using it.
I have questioned and asked myself why God let me go through with Take Shape For Life, looking back it was a bad idea and I fell hard and fast from my man made pedestal. But you know if I never saw how futile and short lived man made things can be I wouldn't have gone to God. So it sucked, it hurt and I am not finished yet but looking back I see the purpose. God did it not to hurt me but to bring me closer to him, with the love and discipline of a Father he let me go down that path.
Today I ask that as God brings me through my anger, my stubborn unwillingness to listen and whatever else I am doing...that I would be yielding and listen. My heart would continue to change and I would put away things I used to do in replacement of drinking from Jesus. It is easier said than done and I can guarantee I will fail at times. Pray that not only I but other people would start to see the fruit in my life because of this. I want to be a light that shines for God, I am still a bit dingy and dull :).
Justine
Friday, April 25, 2014
Day 19 of Daily Bible Study
Oh conviction how I am beginning to hate thee. Today was a "I really don't want to do my bible study day" partly because I am tired. I am tired of being convicted about certain things I enjoy having, such as my sugar free hot chocolate at night. But now I am beginning to question if that is still yet another thing I am putting before God. Which might sound a bit silly but I still question it.
Today I saw my nasty side come out with my mom. Not proud of it and I even cussed under my breath about her, again not proud of that. I felt immediate conviction over that and I DIDN'T LIKE IT! I wanted God to leave me alone at that moment because I was MAD and P.O'd at her. But nope he was poking at me, you know the kind of poke I mean? That "Is that REALLY what God would want you to do" or "Are you going to God and asking for patience, understanding or just grace toward your mom right now?". I hate it when God is right, which he always is so sometimes I hate a lot *laughs*.
My one thing I have been doing during this bible study is coming to God with the down and dirty. If I am MAD at him, ANGRY at him or just INFURIATED with what he is asking me to do? Well gosh darn it I let him know in no uncertain terms! And then I go and try to do what he asked me to do *laughs*, yes sometimes I grumble under my breath or feel resentment. But God is slowly working on my heart about that.
This whole study is about letting go of the food sin in your life. I never realized that was a problem in mine but I have made food my god. I am not proud of it and I never saw it but now looking back food has controlled my entire life, in a good way or a bad way but control it did.
I really fell this past year even to the point I had to quit my job, cut off certain friends and become a hermit. I want to write a post about what exactly happened but I don't think I am ready yet and I need to gather my thoughts. But lets just say that God has been working on breaking me down and disciplining me for going my own way this past year. He wanted me so broken, so fallen and so in despair that all I could do was go crawling to him. That doesn't sound like a very loving Father or loving God, but it was the best thing he could do for me. He knew what I needed, I didn't and still in some ways don't. But he knew in order to bring me back that is where he had to take me.
I don't know how tomorrow will look, I don't know what struggle will lay in my way, I don't know if suddenly I will be released from my sin of addiction to food. I just know that God is there, he knows my path and I can rest in that. I don't have to love it, I don't even have to LIKE it but I do need to submit to it.
So God I am trying to submit to your will, you made me and you know just how STUBBORN, PRIDEFUL and WILLFUL I can get. But I figure you also know just how to work in my life so I become yielding, humble and obedient.
As always pray for me, pray that as God works at breaking me down I stay with him. I continue to not only be convicted but repent and turn away from those false idols in my life or just those things I do to sin against others. God bless!
Justine
Today I saw my nasty side come out with my mom. Not proud of it and I even cussed under my breath about her, again not proud of that. I felt immediate conviction over that and I DIDN'T LIKE IT! I wanted God to leave me alone at that moment because I was MAD and P.O'd at her. But nope he was poking at me, you know the kind of poke I mean? That "Is that REALLY what God would want you to do" or "Are you going to God and asking for patience, understanding or just grace toward your mom right now?". I hate it when God is right, which he always is so sometimes I hate a lot *laughs*.
My one thing I have been doing during this bible study is coming to God with the down and dirty. If I am MAD at him, ANGRY at him or just INFURIATED with what he is asking me to do? Well gosh darn it I let him know in no uncertain terms! And then I go and try to do what he asked me to do *laughs*, yes sometimes I grumble under my breath or feel resentment. But God is slowly working on my heart about that.
This whole study is about letting go of the food sin in your life. I never realized that was a problem in mine but I have made food my god. I am not proud of it and I never saw it but now looking back food has controlled my entire life, in a good way or a bad way but control it did.
I really fell this past year even to the point I had to quit my job, cut off certain friends and become a hermit. I want to write a post about what exactly happened but I don't think I am ready yet and I need to gather my thoughts. But lets just say that God has been working on breaking me down and disciplining me for going my own way this past year. He wanted me so broken, so fallen and so in despair that all I could do was go crawling to him. That doesn't sound like a very loving Father or loving God, but it was the best thing he could do for me. He knew what I needed, I didn't and still in some ways don't. But he knew in order to bring me back that is where he had to take me.
I don't know how tomorrow will look, I don't know what struggle will lay in my way, I don't know if suddenly I will be released from my sin of addiction to food. I just know that God is there, he knows my path and I can rest in that. I don't have to love it, I don't even have to LIKE it but I do need to submit to it.
So God I am trying to submit to your will, you made me and you know just how STUBBORN, PRIDEFUL and WILLFUL I can get. But I figure you also know just how to work in my life so I become yielding, humble and obedient.
As always pray for me, pray that as God works at breaking me down I stay with him. I continue to not only be convicted but repent and turn away from those false idols in my life or just those things I do to sin against others. God bless!
Justine
Thursday, April 24, 2014
Day 18 of daily Bible Study
Okay so I am really far behind, I apologize. Life got busy for a while and I didn't have the mental capacity to form proper words or sentences. A recap of sorts...
So I don't remember what lesson it was but it was a few days after I stopped writing my daily blogs. I was out in the barn feeding kids, it was late (like almost 9pm) and I was by myself just exhausted. This next part is me being TOTALLY candid with y'all...I was SO upset and frustrated with the kids and I had my good jeans on I ended up taking them off and feeding in my skivvies and jacket. The reason I am including this rather personal information is because it is important what happened next.
I was getting mad with the kids and getting a little rough before bursting into tears and screaming "I can't do this!". What I couldn't do at that time is still a slight mystery but I think I can sum it up. I was tired, exhausted, the kids where being brats, it was LATE and I wanted a frigging cookie or something I shouldn't have! I was tired of my stupid bible study forcing me to face my sinful human nature, I didn't want to see just how sinful I am or do what God was asking me to do. I was done, finished, stick a fork in me I am cooked.
I fell to my knees in the barn (can you say COLD and ouch...concrete dude) and cried out to God. I felt so broken and I just couldn't do it anymore. But you know what? For the first time in a long time I felt closer to God. I felt him whispering in my heart "You can't but I can". It has been a walk of faith since then.
Some days are HARD! I just want to give up and run away when I feel convicted over something. I have been asking God daily to convict me, humble me and break me. Which is an odd request but you see I want to be so empty of myself that only God can make it whole again. I want to do a 180 on my sin and turn towards God.
Today is a fast day and boy do I see my sin nature coming out! I am grouchy, irritable and impatient. It has nothing to do with low blood sugar or not getting food but everything to do with I am not giving in to what my body wants. I am trying to honor God and walk a different path, it is HARD. I don't like it a lot of the days and I tell God EXACTLY why I don't like it or what I think of him working in my life.
I figure I am at least having open and honest communication with God ;). Seriously though this bible study has been good, like I said before one of the HARDEST things I have done but worth it. I am being forced to face how I have viewed God for so long. I struggled with thinking how selfish God was and being angry at everything needing to be about him. What about me? I used to think...well kids I am slowly learning that God isn't a man. He doesn't think like a man, he doesn't act like a man and he most CERTAINLY isn't sinful like a man.
I am being humbled by learning just how much he has done for me. Just what it meant that even though I sinned against him he loved me enough to get me back. That is a sour pill to swallow, to understand if he had been a man I would be left to rot, nothing I could have done would have saved me from his wrath. I am seeing who he is with new eyes and learning just how much power he has over me and everything else.
I learned that only because of God was I given a repentant heart, I never would have gone to him if he hadn't given me that spirit or that longing. How shameful that is to know that, all this time I thought it was me and my will or my strength. So in this long winded way I am being taught a lot of different things. I don't know how long it will take for me to fully understand them but I am trying. Some days like I said I want to run screaming the other way but God is faithful and draws me back.
Pray for me, pray that God breaks me, humbles me and convicts me. But also pray that I would feel his love, compassion and grace as I am walking through these deep valleys and hard roads. They are not easy and I know if it wasn't for God I would never had the courage to start let alone keep going.
God bless you all!
Justine
So I don't remember what lesson it was but it was a few days after I stopped writing my daily blogs. I was out in the barn feeding kids, it was late (like almost 9pm) and I was by myself just exhausted. This next part is me being TOTALLY candid with y'all...I was SO upset and frustrated with the kids and I had my good jeans on I ended up taking them off and feeding in my skivvies and jacket. The reason I am including this rather personal information is because it is important what happened next.
I was getting mad with the kids and getting a little rough before bursting into tears and screaming "I can't do this!". What I couldn't do at that time is still a slight mystery but I think I can sum it up. I was tired, exhausted, the kids where being brats, it was LATE and I wanted a frigging cookie or something I shouldn't have! I was tired of my stupid bible study forcing me to face my sinful human nature, I didn't want to see just how sinful I am or do what God was asking me to do. I was done, finished, stick a fork in me I am cooked.
I fell to my knees in the barn (can you say COLD and ouch...concrete dude) and cried out to God. I felt so broken and I just couldn't do it anymore. But you know what? For the first time in a long time I felt closer to God. I felt him whispering in my heart "You can't but I can". It has been a walk of faith since then.
Some days are HARD! I just want to give up and run away when I feel convicted over something. I have been asking God daily to convict me, humble me and break me. Which is an odd request but you see I want to be so empty of myself that only God can make it whole again. I want to do a 180 on my sin and turn towards God.
Today is a fast day and boy do I see my sin nature coming out! I am grouchy, irritable and impatient. It has nothing to do with low blood sugar or not getting food but everything to do with I am not giving in to what my body wants. I am trying to honor God and walk a different path, it is HARD. I don't like it a lot of the days and I tell God EXACTLY why I don't like it or what I think of him working in my life.
I figure I am at least having open and honest communication with God ;). Seriously though this bible study has been good, like I said before one of the HARDEST things I have done but worth it. I am being forced to face how I have viewed God for so long. I struggled with thinking how selfish God was and being angry at everything needing to be about him. What about me? I used to think...well kids I am slowly learning that God isn't a man. He doesn't think like a man, he doesn't act like a man and he most CERTAINLY isn't sinful like a man.
I am being humbled by learning just how much he has done for me. Just what it meant that even though I sinned against him he loved me enough to get me back. That is a sour pill to swallow, to understand if he had been a man I would be left to rot, nothing I could have done would have saved me from his wrath. I am seeing who he is with new eyes and learning just how much power he has over me and everything else.
I learned that only because of God was I given a repentant heart, I never would have gone to him if he hadn't given me that spirit or that longing. How shameful that is to know that, all this time I thought it was me and my will or my strength. So in this long winded way I am being taught a lot of different things. I don't know how long it will take for me to fully understand them but I am trying. Some days like I said I want to run screaming the other way but God is faithful and draws me back.
Pray for me, pray that God breaks me, humbles me and convicts me. But also pray that I would feel his love, compassion and grace as I am walking through these deep valleys and hard roads. They are not easy and I know if it wasn't for God I would never had the courage to start let alone keep going.
God bless you all!
Justine
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Friday, April 11, 2014
Day 5 of my 60 day Bible Study
FREE! I FEEL FREE! Today's lesson was mainly on how our "taste not, touch not" attitude towards many foods is a very human driven way of looking. It is not Godly in the least (though sometimes for health reasons obviously you don't partake in eating certain things) but truly we where meant to eat all things.
BUT the key to this is in moderation, I know for me that was a HUGE issue. And heaven forbid if I had something on my "naughty" list, I beat myself up like crazy if I did that. My big thing was I would be a glutton and go nuts, partly because I figured go big or go home if I was going to be "bad". But now I see just how wrong and ungodly that thought process was. I mean yeah some foods are just plain not good for you (processed foods much? or fast food?) but if we partake once in a while in it that is okay. We must do so in a thankful manner and use moderation as our guide but it isn't "wrong" to do so.
What a freeing feeling that was to learn in this lesson. Before I would hold SO tight to my self control and pat myself on the back for being so "good". Man I was a prideful person at that time...and even now I find myself reverting back to that way of thinking. It is funny because in just about every single diet there is the "taste not, touch not" list. Some of them get pretty frigging nuts let me tell you.
I know for me and my body I have to be careful about carbohydrates and sugars because my body naturally craves them. BUT I am now starting to question that thought process, because God himself designed my body and God himself says we are to partake in all foods. I am excited to find out just how I change and what kind of new found freedom I will have at the end of this journey. My body will still do the same thing and react the same way but that doesn't mean I have to give in. I have God on my side and I don't have to give into the sin like I did before.
What a different way to look at things...and so weird considering what I was being taught before. But truly by reading the versus it brings the truth to life. The food itself is never what made me fat (well in the literal sense it did...) but it was my gluttony that did so. If I hadn't over eaten or gone just all out bat snot crazy eating the stuff I did it wouldn't have happened. Such a weird thing to consider...because I always blamed the bad, mean nasty food but in reality it was a innocent bystander to my inhibitions.
Food for thought....eh eh? See what I did there...haha I crack myself up :). Okay not really but I thought it was clever....
Justine
PS: I love how my cat cuddles with me each time I sit down to do my Bible Study. God blessed me richly when he brought her into my life. He knew I would need a little crazy cat like her to make me smile and remind me just how AMAZING and GOOD God is :).
BUT the key to this is in moderation, I know for me that was a HUGE issue. And heaven forbid if I had something on my "naughty" list, I beat myself up like crazy if I did that. My big thing was I would be a glutton and go nuts, partly because I figured go big or go home if I was going to be "bad". But now I see just how wrong and ungodly that thought process was. I mean yeah some foods are just plain not good for you (processed foods much? or fast food?) but if we partake once in a while in it that is okay. We must do so in a thankful manner and use moderation as our guide but it isn't "wrong" to do so.
What a freeing feeling that was to learn in this lesson. Before I would hold SO tight to my self control and pat myself on the back for being so "good". Man I was a prideful person at that time...and even now I find myself reverting back to that way of thinking. It is funny because in just about every single diet there is the "taste not, touch not" list. Some of them get pretty frigging nuts let me tell you.
I know for me and my body I have to be careful about carbohydrates and sugars because my body naturally craves them. BUT I am now starting to question that thought process, because God himself designed my body and God himself says we are to partake in all foods. I am excited to find out just how I change and what kind of new found freedom I will have at the end of this journey. My body will still do the same thing and react the same way but that doesn't mean I have to give in. I have God on my side and I don't have to give into the sin like I did before.
What a different way to look at things...and so weird considering what I was being taught before. But truly by reading the versus it brings the truth to life. The food itself is never what made me fat (well in the literal sense it did...) but it was my gluttony that did so. If I hadn't over eaten or gone just all out bat snot crazy eating the stuff I did it wouldn't have happened. Such a weird thing to consider...because I always blamed the bad, mean nasty food but in reality it was a innocent bystander to my inhibitions.
Food for thought....eh eh? See what I did there...haha I crack myself up :). Okay not really but I thought it was clever....
Justine
PS: I love how my cat cuddles with me each time I sit down to do my Bible Study. God blessed me richly when he brought her into my life. He knew I would need a little crazy cat like her to make me smile and remind me just how AMAZING and GOOD God is :).
Thursday, April 10, 2014
Day 4 of my 60 day Bible Study
Day 4 finds me here....I just finished my 4th course of my Bible Study. I admit some of it I am struggling to understand and I am seeing just how much I don't know of the bible.
Today has been a hard day, but a good day. I haven't felt as convicted but I do feel VERY out of my element and not sure how to proceed. So I am trying to focus just on Godly things and not worldly things.
This morning started out with my parents leaving for 4 days which means I am doing all the chores and handling the house on my own. Which normally is fine but also when they go away is when I allow myself to let go and eat whatever my heart desires so this is difficult not doing that.
This morning as I milked and fed babies I cranked up some of my favorite Christian artists and just sang along. Even though the kids where screaming to be fed while I milked (normally I feed before milking but it didn't happen that way this morning) I stayed calm. When it came to feeding the kids I didn't stress and I took my time (again still had music playing) and little Diva even climbed into my lap for some cuddles. I felt like Diva was God's way of giving me a little moment of peace amidst the craziness of bottle feeding.
Today is a fasting day for me and normally I become like the Grinch is my blood sugar gets low. But today I told myself I am feasting on the Lord and on his word, so I did exactly that. I spent time talking to him during my errands and explaining EXACTLY where I was coming from. I prayed to him and asked him for guidance on this journey.
I was amazed that I haven't been grouchy really once and I had more energy than I thought. I was actually excited this morning to see how God would use this fasting period today. I have tried to not only fast from food but from things I would normally partake in to take my mind off being hungry. So I am only allowing myself to listen to Christian music, trying to stay away from the computer to watch shows (or movies on the TV) and listen only to sermons or something to do with the bible.
I spent time reading Romans today and attempting to understand what Paul was talking about, I did have a few "Aha!" moments though in light of things it was stuff I should have known already. I am getting ready to head out and start milking for the evening but first I plan on downloading a sermon to listen to, I also plan on instead of watching a movie or a TV show tonight either spending more time in my bible or listening to some more sermons.
I am trying really hard to not only come at this from the right place but be open with God and telling him where I am coming from, letting him work in my heart and change my heart. Because I know that I alone can't do it, I need his strength. Today it talked about fasting in my bible study and the entire reason for it (well not the ENTIRE reason but you know what I mean) as well as how to do it properly. I debated on saying if I had fasted today or not because I didn't want to draw attention to myself or how "strong" I am for doing it. Because honestly I am weak and if I wasn't spending every moment focusing on God I would be running for that fridge. So all props go to God and him keeping me filled.
That is it for today...I feel like I hardly had anything to say about what I learned because honestly I am asking myself what I learned :(. But I feel my heart slowly shifting, changing course. That is something and I did learn that to feel hunger pains is good, I want to not ignore them but use them as a reminder to go to God. Because without God I am nothing...and food will continue to have a hold on me.
Justine
Today has been a hard day, but a good day. I haven't felt as convicted but I do feel VERY out of my element and not sure how to proceed. So I am trying to focus just on Godly things and not worldly things.
This morning started out with my parents leaving for 4 days which means I am doing all the chores and handling the house on my own. Which normally is fine but also when they go away is when I allow myself to let go and eat whatever my heart desires so this is difficult not doing that.
This morning as I milked and fed babies I cranked up some of my favorite Christian artists and just sang along. Even though the kids where screaming to be fed while I milked (normally I feed before milking but it didn't happen that way this morning) I stayed calm. When it came to feeding the kids I didn't stress and I took my time (again still had music playing) and little Diva even climbed into my lap for some cuddles. I felt like Diva was God's way of giving me a little moment of peace amidst the craziness of bottle feeding.
Today is a fasting day for me and normally I become like the Grinch is my blood sugar gets low. But today I told myself I am feasting on the Lord and on his word, so I did exactly that. I spent time talking to him during my errands and explaining EXACTLY where I was coming from. I prayed to him and asked him for guidance on this journey.
I was amazed that I haven't been grouchy really once and I had more energy than I thought. I was actually excited this morning to see how God would use this fasting period today. I have tried to not only fast from food but from things I would normally partake in to take my mind off being hungry. So I am only allowing myself to listen to Christian music, trying to stay away from the computer to watch shows (or movies on the TV) and listen only to sermons or something to do with the bible.
I spent time reading Romans today and attempting to understand what Paul was talking about, I did have a few "Aha!" moments though in light of things it was stuff I should have known already. I am getting ready to head out and start milking for the evening but first I plan on downloading a sermon to listen to, I also plan on instead of watching a movie or a TV show tonight either spending more time in my bible or listening to some more sermons.
I am trying really hard to not only come at this from the right place but be open with God and telling him where I am coming from, letting him work in my heart and change my heart. Because I know that I alone can't do it, I need his strength. Today it talked about fasting in my bible study and the entire reason for it (well not the ENTIRE reason but you know what I mean) as well as how to do it properly. I debated on saying if I had fasted today or not because I didn't want to draw attention to myself or how "strong" I am for doing it. Because honestly I am weak and if I wasn't spending every moment focusing on God I would be running for that fridge. So all props go to God and him keeping me filled.
That is it for today...I feel like I hardly had anything to say about what I learned because honestly I am asking myself what I learned :(. But I feel my heart slowly shifting, changing course. That is something and I did learn that to feel hunger pains is good, I want to not ignore them but use them as a reminder to go to God. Because without God I am nothing...and food will continue to have a hold on me.
Justine
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
Day 3 of my 60 day Bible Study
Wellll here we are on day 3 of my Bible Study. I found myself this afternoon actually wanting to run away upstairs for an hour to do my study. What did I learn today...I learned that God's word is sweeter than honey and it will fill us to the brim. I also learned that God will give us to our own passions, boy did he ever with me sometimes I am ashamed to admit.
I am struggling, I am struggling with understanding how it can be that we truly can be full just on God's word alone. Because as I sit here now I am HUNGRY and I am craving a ding dang darn cookie like none other. So I can't say I feel to full right now even after doing my bible study. But what I am is curious, I am curious as to what it means to feel full on the word of God.
I am also afraid, very very afraid of failing. Because I know myself very well and last night all I wanted to do was quit. Stop and go back to how I was before, not worrying about being a glutton or sinning (though still feeling bad and horrible). I wanted to erase what God had shown me and just go back to being that ignorant little sheep blindly walking off the path.
Yep that was me last night! Even now as I look towards tomorrow I find fear in my heart. Can I really do this? Will I really be set free? I don't have an answer for that because I know God is still working on my heart. And it HURTS! It hurts because he is convicting me of all my wrong doings and showing me things I really truly need to give up. I don't want to give them up but I need to, I don't like that feeling.
I don't like being told what to do by anyone really (yep stubborn old me!) but when God is CONVICTING you gosh the first thing you want to do is dig your heels in or turn tail and run. So I am sitting here between digging my heels in and running like a scared pup...saying "Okay God...show me".
I am just droning on now, but I guess what I am trying to say is I am not sure what I learned today. I felt like I read a few pieces of scripture I really didn't understand. Okay truth be told there is A LOT of scripture I don't understand. But this afternoon I actually wanted to, which is a start :).
Justine
My versus for the day
Submit to God and be at peace with him; in this way prosperity will come to you. Accept instruction from his mouth and lay up his words in your heart.If you return to the Almighty, you will be restored: If you remove wickedness far from your tent and assign your nuggets to the dust, your gold of Ophir to the rocks in the ravines, then the Almighty will be your gold, the choicest silver for you. Surely then you will find delight in the Almighty and will lift up your face to God. — Job 22:21-26
Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him. — Psalm 34:8
I am struggling, I am struggling with understanding how it can be that we truly can be full just on God's word alone. Because as I sit here now I am HUNGRY and I am craving a ding dang darn cookie like none other. So I can't say I feel to full right now even after doing my bible study. But what I am is curious, I am curious as to what it means to feel full on the word of God.
I am also afraid, very very afraid of failing. Because I know myself very well and last night all I wanted to do was quit. Stop and go back to how I was before, not worrying about being a glutton or sinning (though still feeling bad and horrible). I wanted to erase what God had shown me and just go back to being that ignorant little sheep blindly walking off the path.
Yep that was me last night! Even now as I look towards tomorrow I find fear in my heart. Can I really do this? Will I really be set free? I don't have an answer for that because I know God is still working on my heart. And it HURTS! It hurts because he is convicting me of all my wrong doings and showing me things I really truly need to give up. I don't want to give them up but I need to, I don't like that feeling.
I don't like being told what to do by anyone really (yep stubborn old me!) but when God is CONVICTING you gosh the first thing you want to do is dig your heels in or turn tail and run. So I am sitting here between digging my heels in and running like a scared pup...saying "Okay God...show me".
I am just droning on now, but I guess what I am trying to say is I am not sure what I learned today. I felt like I read a few pieces of scripture I really didn't understand. Okay truth be told there is A LOT of scripture I don't understand. But this afternoon I actually wanted to, which is a start :).
Justine
My versus for the day
Submit to God and be at peace with him; in this way prosperity will come to you. Accept instruction from his mouth and lay up his words in your heart.If you return to the Almighty, you will be restored: If you remove wickedness far from your tent and assign your nuggets to the dust, your gold of Ophir to the rocks in the ravines, then the Almighty will be your gold, the choicest silver for you. Surely then you will find delight in the Almighty and will lift up your face to God. — Job 22:21-26
Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him. — Psalm 34:8
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Day 2 of 60 day Bible Study
Hooooboy today was tough. During my lesson tonight I felt VERY convicted and started crying.
I was asked this question "Share your thoughts on Isaiah 55:2-3: "Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare. Give ear and come to me; hear me, that your soul may live." "
And this is my response to that.
"My thoughts...last year when I decided to start Take Shape For Life (medifast) I was excited. It was a sure fire way to get this weight off me and keep it off, I read all the books I was supposed to and I bought the food I needed to buy. I weighed everything out just like asked and the pounds started falling off.
But I spent my money on what was not "bread" and I labored on what didn't satisfy. I was skinny yes but I wasn't satisfied, I was always afraid of losing it. I stopped listening to my faith and to God and started listening to the world, I started turning to food more and more as things went wrong and then again as my weight crept up. In that world they worshiped health and a fit body, they wanted to go the ultimate place where you could live longer than the normal life span and I kept asking myself as I became a health coach "Where is God in all of this great plan?".
Even Christians within that group lost sight of that now that I look back. Now I feel I am to the second part of that verse. I walked through the first part and never was satisfied though I kept chasing it. Now God is saying "Listen to ME, I am the only bread you need and my word will fulfill you when none else will". I have felt so empty but I know that God can fill that void. Candid again here I have been close to God before, I have felt like I was floating on air and nothing could get me down. But as I walk through this course and I look back I am starting to see where I would fall. I am starting to see just how sinful I really am and it is HARD for me to see.
I always thought I was a good Christian and I always thought I did good though I knew I sinned. I think that I would spend money on what is not bread and labor on what did not satisfy because I didn't want to see the truth. I felt guilt and shame and I didn't want to face what God was asking me to do."
That was a TOUGH question for me to answer. Mainly because I was forced to see all the times I had done exactly what the first part of the verse said and still felt unsatisfied.
The BIGGEST thing I learned today is just how sinful I am. Which might not sound big because I mean come on we are all sinners but you know what? It is STILL hard to stare at the proof right in your face. When confronted by scripture that talks about it and seeing it, that is hard. I know God has been taking me on a journey, I pray he gives me the strength and the wisdom to see it through. I don't say I pray I have the strength because one thing I learned is all our strength truly is his and his alone. It was never ours to begin with and we are nothing without Him.
If you ever have any questions on what I write please feel free to ask me. I will be very open and honest about whatever I am learning through this journey. It won't be easy but I want to share this in the hopes that God might use it for His glory.
Justine
PS: I want to say I do NOT think that Take Shape For Life is horrible or bad but I do believe now looking back and seeing what the bible has to say it is very dangerous for a Christian. Because what it sells is selfish even if we come with good intentions. If used as a tool for God's glory than GREAT! But that is VERY hard to do when the whole time you slowly are getting what the world sees, thinks or says shoved in your face and being told that is what is right.
I was asked this question "Share your thoughts on Isaiah 55:2-3: "Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare. Give ear and come to me; hear me, that your soul may live." "
And this is my response to that.
"My thoughts...last year when I decided to start Take Shape For Life (medifast) I was excited. It was a sure fire way to get this weight off me and keep it off, I read all the books I was supposed to and I bought the food I needed to buy. I weighed everything out just like asked and the pounds started falling off.
But I spent my money on what was not "bread" and I labored on what didn't satisfy. I was skinny yes but I wasn't satisfied, I was always afraid of losing it. I stopped listening to my faith and to God and started listening to the world, I started turning to food more and more as things went wrong and then again as my weight crept up. In that world they worshiped health and a fit body, they wanted to go the ultimate place where you could live longer than the normal life span and I kept asking myself as I became a health coach "Where is God in all of this great plan?".
Even Christians within that group lost sight of that now that I look back. Now I feel I am to the second part of that verse. I walked through the first part and never was satisfied though I kept chasing it. Now God is saying "Listen to ME, I am the only bread you need and my word will fulfill you when none else will". I have felt so empty but I know that God can fill that void. Candid again here I have been close to God before, I have felt like I was floating on air and nothing could get me down. But as I walk through this course and I look back I am starting to see where I would fall. I am starting to see just how sinful I really am and it is HARD for me to see.
I always thought I was a good Christian and I always thought I did good though I knew I sinned. I think that I would spend money on what is not bread and labor on what did not satisfy because I didn't want to see the truth. I felt guilt and shame and I didn't want to face what God was asking me to do."
That was a TOUGH question for me to answer. Mainly because I was forced to see all the times I had done exactly what the first part of the verse said and still felt unsatisfied.
The BIGGEST thing I learned today is just how sinful I am. Which might not sound big because I mean come on we are all sinners but you know what? It is STILL hard to stare at the proof right in your face. When confronted by scripture that talks about it and seeing it, that is hard. I know God has been taking me on a journey, I pray he gives me the strength and the wisdom to see it through. I don't say I pray I have the strength because one thing I learned is all our strength truly is his and his alone. It was never ours to begin with and we are nothing without Him.
If you ever have any questions on what I write please feel free to ask me. I will be very open and honest about whatever I am learning through this journey. It won't be easy but I want to share this in the hopes that God might use it for His glory.
Justine
PS: I want to say I do NOT think that Take Shape For Life is horrible or bad but I do believe now looking back and seeing what the bible has to say it is very dangerous for a Christian. Because what it sells is selfish even if we come with good intentions. If used as a tool for God's glory than GREAT! But that is VERY hard to do when the whole time you slowly are getting what the world sees, thinks or says shoved in your face and being told that is what is right.
Monday, April 7, 2014
60 Day Bible Study
I am starting a new journey, a new bible study called The Lord's Supper. I will be using this blog to comment daily on what I have learned and what God is teaching me through this.
Today I learned just how sinful I was when I first started my weight loss journey. Every reason I had for starting it had to do with myself and what I wanted. Never once did I think of how could I bring glory to God or what He might want.
These past few months my weight has crept back up and I have hidden in shame. I felt I let people down and I felt guilt, I didn't want to step foot out my door. I have hidden these past few months and will even cancel going to birthday parties or even going to the store where someone I know might see me. I have fallen so far from who I was and now I see that even last year when I was skinny, running and felt amazing just how wrong it was. I had built my castle on sand and the tide has been coming up beneath me and washing it all away.
What was once in my eyes my crowning glory and achievement has become my greatest shame and failure. I have become someone else and picked up such bad habits I didn't even know I had. I have found myself binge eating in private and just a multitude of other things. When I started my weight loss journey and used the program I used I don't think that in itself was a bad thing. But my reason for it was so off course it isn't even funny, I was doomed to fail from the start.
What started as a small pebble rolling down the hill became a huge boulder hurtling out of control. I gained probably 60-70lbs back of what I lost in a matter of 4 months. I am being VERY candid here and very open, I pray not for the wrong reasons. My goal is not to bring attention to my journey in this but to what God is teaching and fulfilling in me. He has broken me into tiny little pieces and while it hurt I am thankful for this. Because now I have the opportunity to become something new, to be filled with Him and to pursue a life filled with His glory and not my own.
This is the start, not of weight loss but of being filled to the brim with God and learning to find satisfaction in Him and Him alone.
Justine
Today I learned just how sinful I was when I first started my weight loss journey. Every reason I had for starting it had to do with myself and what I wanted. Never once did I think of how could I bring glory to God or what He might want.
These past few months my weight has crept back up and I have hidden in shame. I felt I let people down and I felt guilt, I didn't want to step foot out my door. I have hidden these past few months and will even cancel going to birthday parties or even going to the store where someone I know might see me. I have fallen so far from who I was and now I see that even last year when I was skinny, running and felt amazing just how wrong it was. I had built my castle on sand and the tide has been coming up beneath me and washing it all away.
What was once in my eyes my crowning glory and achievement has become my greatest shame and failure. I have become someone else and picked up such bad habits I didn't even know I had. I have found myself binge eating in private and just a multitude of other things. When I started my weight loss journey and used the program I used I don't think that in itself was a bad thing. But my reason for it was so off course it isn't even funny, I was doomed to fail from the start.
What started as a small pebble rolling down the hill became a huge boulder hurtling out of control. I gained probably 60-70lbs back of what I lost in a matter of 4 months. I am being VERY candid here and very open, I pray not for the wrong reasons. My goal is not to bring attention to my journey in this but to what God is teaching and fulfilling in me. He has broken me into tiny little pieces and while it hurt I am thankful for this. Because now I have the opportunity to become something new, to be filled with Him and to pursue a life filled with His glory and not my own.
This is the start, not of weight loss but of being filled to the brim with God and learning to find satisfaction in Him and Him alone.
Justine
Saturday, January 11, 2014
The Journey
Have you ever felt taken on a journey? Maybe it was one you never asked to take or maybe you did until you realized the things you would face? I have been there, I am there now. I am being broken, broken into what I wish I could say. God knows, He has seen where this road ends though I do not. I don't know for certain but I do believe that He weeps even as He is breaking me. I know I weep as it is done, I weep as He asks me to face things I have forgotten. I weep as He asks me to do what I thought was impossible, I weep for the things I have lost and I weep for things never happening.
I cannot number the tears that have fallen from my eyes though God has counted every single one. He is drudging into the dark parts of my heart and with a surgeon's hands opening the scarred parts of my soul. It hurts, it aches, it makes me scream out in anger and fear because I don't want to deal with them. But like a wound that festers they need to be opened and cleaned. I wish it didn't hurt so much. I have faced depression and while I was hurt I wasn't fully broken. I have faced loss, the loss of loved ones and the loss of material things but yet I didn't break. Now? What I am face now is breaking me down to the bare bones. I feel open and exposed, all my feelings of safety and comfort in my eyes have been ripped away. I am more broken now than I have ever been. Yet I get the feeling there is even more to come, I am not yet where God wants me.
Father all I ask is that You never give up on me, don't leave me here. Finish what you have started and help me become new in you. I ask for strength for my family as they face this by my side. I have never been one who let people in easily. I have a stubborn prideful streak and I always wanted to do these things on my own. You are showing me there is no room for that if I am to follow you. I need to be dependent, dependent upon You. I need to be weak so You can be my strength and I need to need You. I have known these things but I don't think I ever fully understood the full ramifications of what they meant. I once asked You to break me, to fully break me and mold me into who You wanted me to be.
I thought these past few years you had, I thought that everything I had been through was You breaking me. How wrong I was, You where softening my heart to you but You hadn't even begun to break me or take me down the paths I needed to go. Now all I can do is sit here broken and hurting, trying to trust in You and Your promise to me. You never forsake and You never give up, don't forsake me Father and never ever give up on me.
Love,
Your child
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Close your eyes. Do you feel that? The wind gently brushing your face, the gentle caress of warmth from the sun?. Do you hear that? The beautiful symphony the birds are weaving together, the rustle of leaves dancing in the breeze? Do you smell it? The scent of Lilacs filling the air?
Such a small piece of beauty on this earth, oh what Heaven must only be like. I can only imagine what we will feel, hear, or smell when we finally get there. My Grandpa is finally there and if only we could call Heaven and talk to our loved ones they might tell us. My Grandpa passed away on April 26th from his battle with lung cancer. Yes that dreaded C word, he was diagnosed the end of February 2012 and just a few short months last God called him home.
I wish I could say that I had a wonderful close relationship with my Grandpa but I didn't. He was a good man who loved his family and above all else loved his God. He could be a grump when I was growing up and I feel he didn't know how to show those closest to him how much he cared. But in his last few days God showed HIM how much those around loved HIM. He was astonished at how many people visited him and how many lives he had touched. I got to see what everyone else saw in those last few days and for that I am so thankful. He told me on Easter for the first time I can really remember that he loved me, even now I get tears thinking about hearing his voice say those words.
He went down hill fast. He got diagnosed like I said in February after being in the hospital for a few weeks. I don't want to put everything down that happened because I won't get everything right. But I remember getting the call that he was in ICU. He had gone in a week earlier because of collapsing at home. They found out he had a bladder infection but he was supposed to be released to go home the next Thursday. He never got a chance because the night before they rushed him into ICU due to finding another infection raging somewhere in his body. They also discovered he had at least 2 blood clots (maybe more) and so they put him on blood thinners, after going on blood thinners he started bleeding out internally. At this point it was a race as to which might kill him faster, the cancer, the blood clots or the bleeding out.
By this point if I remember right the doctors where hinting that the cancer had already moved to his bones. So he had 5 spots on his brain, a spot on his lungs, it was in his chest itself (I think) and on his pancreas. It wasn't a question anymore of him beating this but how did he want to die I guess.
Long story short it was decided that hospice was the best option and because of his internal bleeding he was able to go the the most amazing hospice place. I will be ever grateful for the kindness and compassion of everyone at that place. They treated my Grandpa so well and where so kind with all of us. He got moved into the hospice place on Saturday April 21st but I am going to jump ahead to Wednesday the 25th. I had to work so I was unable to go see him until Wednesday but I knew in my heart I needed to be there with him.
I had gone and seen him the Thursday before when he was in ICU and I was unprepared for what I saw. I didn't recognize the man laying in that bed as my Grandpa. He was so pale and looked so gaunt my brain just couldn't compute. I didn't want to cry in front of everyone so I tried to stay strong but I couldn't stay long with him though I wanted to.
Wednesday the 25th I went to go see him again had another shock at seeing how frail he looked. This simply couldn't be my Grandpa lying there...it just couldn't. It was getting harder and harder for him to stay awake and even speak but mom said he could hear everything even if it took him a bit to answer. I gave him a foot massage and rubbed his hands, oh did he love that :). I would sit by his bed and just hold his hand, not talking just being with him and letting him know I was there.
Skipping forward to that night. My dad drove me and my mom home to freshen up and take care of all the critters, I had planned on staying home and going back in the morning. But mom was so exhausted from being there for almost 5 days straight I told her I would take the night watch and stay with my Grandpa, she agreed and I went back with my dad. When I got there I went to his room and told my Grandma to go ahead and sleep out on the couch I would stay with him. By this point his breathing was getting harder and he was more restless, making noises sometimes or moving his hands a bit.
I let him know I was there and just sat next to the bed looking up some stuff on the web. The night nurse came in a while later to give him his nightly medications and put a nebulizer on his face to help with his breathing. He didn't like the nebulizer and kept trying to take it off. I would grab his hands and say "No Grandpa it needs to stay on" to which he would say "Okay okay.." but he kept trying to take it off.
I noticed he had gone to the bathroom so I told the nurse they would need to clean him up again. She looked and said we would wait until he was done with the nebulizer so his breathing would be better. When they did come in to clean him up the nurses told me I should probably leave as it might be distressing for me to see it. I asked if I could stay as long as I wasn't in the way and they agreed.
I won't say exactly what happened but cleaning him up they had to move him around which made he agitated and he got more vocal and moving his hands around. He kept saying "Help me! Help me!" because he wanted to get up I think out of bed. I know his breathing was getting worse and moving him didn't help even though it needed to be done. I grabbed his hands and held them close to my chest and I told him this "Grandpa you are okay, I am right here holding on and I am not leaving or going anywhere you are okay". I said other stuff but mainly I just kept telling him I wasn't ever letting go and he was okay, that calmed him down. When ever I had to move I would always have one hand on him or talk to him letting him know I was right there and I wasn't going anywhere.
The nurses afterwards told me how wonderful I did with him being so caring and keeping him so calm. At this point it was 2o'clock in the morning and I was getting tired, I pulled up the chair next to my Grandpa's bed so I would be close to him if he needed anything. I got a little hungry so I let go of his hand so I could leave and grab a snack from the kitchen area. When I started down the hall I could hear him getting restless and a bit vocal again so I went back in and told him I would be right back, he calmed down at this.
I grabbed a scone and went straight back to his room. I sat down next to him and grabbed his hand again and just talked to him about anything and everything. I kept telling him how much I loved him, at one point I held his hand to my face and just started crying.
I will write more later...I need to take a break.
Justine N.
Such a small piece of beauty on this earth, oh what Heaven must only be like. I can only imagine what we will feel, hear, or smell when we finally get there. My Grandpa is finally there and if only we could call Heaven and talk to our loved ones they might tell us. My Grandpa passed away on April 26th from his battle with lung cancer. Yes that dreaded C word, he was diagnosed the end of February 2012 and just a few short months last God called him home.
I wish I could say that I had a wonderful close relationship with my Grandpa but I didn't. He was a good man who loved his family and above all else loved his God. He could be a grump when I was growing up and I feel he didn't know how to show those closest to him how much he cared. But in his last few days God showed HIM how much those around loved HIM. He was astonished at how many people visited him and how many lives he had touched. I got to see what everyone else saw in those last few days and for that I am so thankful. He told me on Easter for the first time I can really remember that he loved me, even now I get tears thinking about hearing his voice say those words.
He went down hill fast. He got diagnosed like I said in February after being in the hospital for a few weeks. I don't want to put everything down that happened because I won't get everything right. But I remember getting the call that he was in ICU. He had gone in a week earlier because of collapsing at home. They found out he had a bladder infection but he was supposed to be released to go home the next Thursday. He never got a chance because the night before they rushed him into ICU due to finding another infection raging somewhere in his body. They also discovered he had at least 2 blood clots (maybe more) and so they put him on blood thinners, after going on blood thinners he started bleeding out internally. At this point it was a race as to which might kill him faster, the cancer, the blood clots or the bleeding out.
By this point if I remember right the doctors where hinting that the cancer had already moved to his bones. So he had 5 spots on his brain, a spot on his lungs, it was in his chest itself (I think) and on his pancreas. It wasn't a question anymore of him beating this but how did he want to die I guess.
Long story short it was decided that hospice was the best option and because of his internal bleeding he was able to go the the most amazing hospice place. I will be ever grateful for the kindness and compassion of everyone at that place. They treated my Grandpa so well and where so kind with all of us. He got moved into the hospice place on Saturday April 21st but I am going to jump ahead to Wednesday the 25th. I had to work so I was unable to go see him until Wednesday but I knew in my heart I needed to be there with him.
I had gone and seen him the Thursday before when he was in ICU and I was unprepared for what I saw. I didn't recognize the man laying in that bed as my Grandpa. He was so pale and looked so gaunt my brain just couldn't compute. I didn't want to cry in front of everyone so I tried to stay strong but I couldn't stay long with him though I wanted to.
Wednesday the 25th I went to go see him again had another shock at seeing how frail he looked. This simply couldn't be my Grandpa lying there...it just couldn't. It was getting harder and harder for him to stay awake and even speak but mom said he could hear everything even if it took him a bit to answer. I gave him a foot massage and rubbed his hands, oh did he love that :). I would sit by his bed and just hold his hand, not talking just being with him and letting him know I was there.
Skipping forward to that night. My dad drove me and my mom home to freshen up and take care of all the critters, I had planned on staying home and going back in the morning. But mom was so exhausted from being there for almost 5 days straight I told her I would take the night watch and stay with my Grandpa, she agreed and I went back with my dad. When I got there I went to his room and told my Grandma to go ahead and sleep out on the couch I would stay with him. By this point his breathing was getting harder and he was more restless, making noises sometimes or moving his hands a bit.
I let him know I was there and just sat next to the bed looking up some stuff on the web. The night nurse came in a while later to give him his nightly medications and put a nebulizer on his face to help with his breathing. He didn't like the nebulizer and kept trying to take it off. I would grab his hands and say "No Grandpa it needs to stay on" to which he would say "Okay okay.." but he kept trying to take it off.
I noticed he had gone to the bathroom so I told the nurse they would need to clean him up again. She looked and said we would wait until he was done with the nebulizer so his breathing would be better. When they did come in to clean him up the nurses told me I should probably leave as it might be distressing for me to see it. I asked if I could stay as long as I wasn't in the way and they agreed.
I won't say exactly what happened but cleaning him up they had to move him around which made he agitated and he got more vocal and moving his hands around. He kept saying "Help me! Help me!" because he wanted to get up I think out of bed. I know his breathing was getting worse and moving him didn't help even though it needed to be done. I grabbed his hands and held them close to my chest and I told him this "Grandpa you are okay, I am right here holding on and I am not leaving or going anywhere you are okay". I said other stuff but mainly I just kept telling him I wasn't ever letting go and he was okay, that calmed him down. When ever I had to move I would always have one hand on him or talk to him letting him know I was right there and I wasn't going anywhere.
The nurses afterwards told me how wonderful I did with him being so caring and keeping him so calm. At this point it was 2o'clock in the morning and I was getting tired, I pulled up the chair next to my Grandpa's bed so I would be close to him if he needed anything. I got a little hungry so I let go of his hand so I could leave and grab a snack from the kitchen area. When I started down the hall I could hear him getting restless and a bit vocal again so I went back in and told him I would be right back, he calmed down at this.
I grabbed a scone and went straight back to his room. I sat down next to him and grabbed his hand again and just talked to him about anything and everything. I kept telling him how much I loved him, at one point I held his hand to my face and just started crying.
I will write more later...I need to take a break.
Justine N.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
I fall to my knees as weary trembling legs give out, they can carry me no farther. The ground beneath me grows damp from silent traitorous tears, my shoulders bow as the weight of what I carry fully settles on me. "Father" I whisper, "I can't fight anymore. I thought I could beat this, but the enemy is just so strong". Hands fall limp to my side as my head bows in defeat.
I feel the ground fall away as strong arms lift me up, "Let Me carry this burden now My daughter". My head rests against His chest, His heart beats strong and true in my ear. "You have fought bravely but now it is time for Me to take over for a while", "I will carry you until you are steady again". My eyes drift closed as my body sways in rhythm to His stride, "Thank you......Jesus".
Written by: Justine N.
I feel the ground fall away as strong arms lift me up, "Let Me carry this burden now My daughter". My head rests against His chest, His heart beats strong and true in my ear. "You have fought bravely but now it is time for Me to take over for a while", "I will carry you until you are steady again". My eyes drift closed as my body sways in rhythm to His stride, "Thank you......Jesus".
Written by: Justine N.
Monday, April 2, 2012
"A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man needs to seek him in order to find her." - Author Unknown
I wanted to share this even though it isn't something I wrote because this is so true. To me it shows us God's promise to protect us if we fully trust in Him and it also shows how we should approach a romantic relationship. God should be the first and foremost in dating or marriage. I hope this gives you some food for thought.
Justine
I wanted to share this even though it isn't something I wrote because this is so true. To me it shows us God's promise to protect us if we fully trust in Him and it also shows how we should approach a romantic relationship. God should be the first and foremost in dating or marriage. I hope this gives you some food for thought.
Justine
Thursday, March 29, 2012
What is strength? Is it that man who can lift weights heavier than his own body? Is it person who always has a smile on their face, someone who always has it together? Or is it that woman you see who is sometimes too sick to get out of bed yet still is able to sing praises.
What is beauty? Is it that supermodel walking down a runway? Is it that few extra pounds you wish you could loose? Or is it the woman who is loosing her hair due to chemo but she still can light up a room with her smile.
What is faith? Is it that guy who goes to church like clockwork every Sunday? Is it that gal who can quote every bible verse? Or is it that man who was just diagnosed with a life threatening disease but he has peace knowing God's plan is at work.
Strength comes from within, through trials and struggles, when you look fear in the face but you know God is bigger. Beauty is when you shine from within with God's love. Faith is when even the darkest of times you still know God will not forsake or leave you.
Psalm 16:8 I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
Psalm 18:2 The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
What is beauty? Is it that supermodel walking down a runway? Is it that few extra pounds you wish you could loose? Or is it the woman who is loosing her hair due to chemo but she still can light up a room with her smile.
What is faith? Is it that guy who goes to church like clockwork every Sunday? Is it that gal who can quote every bible verse? Or is it that man who was just diagnosed with a life threatening disease but he has peace knowing God's plan is at work.
Strength comes from within, through trials and struggles, when you look fear in the face but you know God is bigger. Beauty is when you shine from within with God's love. Faith is when even the darkest of times you still know God will not forsake or leave you.
Psalm 16:8 I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
Psalm 18:2 The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
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