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| This happened.....oh yeah. |
I was shocked, ashamed and discouraged at how easy it was for me to fall back into my old ways. I found myself sneaking food at night, going to the store so I could binge out on some cookies (my version of binging out that is) and just all around falling back into old habits. The farther I got into my old habits the more depressed I got and lets face it the harder my jeans where to button....which led to more depression which turned into eating more food which just made the jean buttoning worse.
I kept telling myself "Oh TOMORROW I will do it...." but tomorrow never came. In a very honest moment with my mom out in the barn the other day I think I got down to why I really stopped. I was tired...that is the plain, simple, ugly human truth of the matter. I was tired of being disciplined in my eating habits, looking at myself in the mirror (so to speak) while I did my bible study and NOT liking what I saw. Okay now to elaborate on not liking what I saw, I mean not physically (thought that was there) but spiritually. I didn't like God peeling back the layers of my heart and showing me just how ugly it truly was, because lets face it without God we are ugly, sinful people and not matter HOW hard we could try there is no way for us to change WITHOUT the Holy Spirit in us, Jesus saving us and God working through us.
That night in the barn I confessed this to my mom, tears started rolling down my face as I came to realize that I didn't want to take the hard road. I liked the easy road of eating what I wanted, when I wanted for whatever reason I wanted. I didn't WANT to be held accountable by God or anyone else, I didn't want to see all my hairy, brown, ugly and globulus warts. I didn't like fighting against my sinful human flesh when it cried out to go down the wrong path, I was tired, I felt oh so pitifully alone and I was just plain DONE with the whole enchilada. What God was asking of me was just to hard in my mind, I was done struggling and feeling like it got me nowhere. Hadn't I been through enough? Hadn't I given up enough for Him? Oh it hurt....oh the pain in seeing how frail and human I was to take that easy road out, even worse because God KNEW even before I did that this would happen.
I still feel like I can't do this...I am going into town later and in all honesty I plan on stopping by the local DQ for a blizzard and probably pick up some other junk food I shouldn't have. Why? Because I want it...because I can and because I already decided I will. But today I asked my mom to pray for me and she did....she prayed that God would give me a heart to delve deeper in to Him, that I would have the hunger to know Him better, I would turn back to him and he would reveal himself to me. I have tears in my eyes right now just thinking about what she prayed for me, I couldn't have prayed that prayer myself. I am still too busy trying to ignore the tugging on my heart from God but I knew I could have my mom pray for me.
I don't know how many times I will fall, how many times I will be discouraged and how many times I will need to be brought back to God. My mom said something really neat to me today...she said that 6 months ago she was praying that I would feel repentant, now she prays that I would see and KNOW God. I am a christian, I accepted Christ into my heart as a child but I don't KNOW God...not really. She also told me that God had spoken to her heart after she prayed, God spoke to her heart, He said that He has me....I am in the palm of His hand and I AM His. I started crying when she told me this...because I don't feel him near me and I don't hear him speaking to my heart anymore. I am looking, searching, YEARNING to know he is near me, that I am not gone from his sight and that HE has me in his great, big, capable hands. So to hear my mom say those words to me, that even though I feel like I left the path and I am on my own, in reality my Father has been by my side the whole time is both comforting and reassuring.
I want to start back up with my bible study tomorrow and get back on the food program thing. I also am going to start a bible study with my mom through the summer as a light bible study. I ask for prayers...pray that as I go through this bible study God would reveal himself to me. Pray that God would place the desire in my heart to stay true through the course of this study and not stray be it in my studies or my eating habits. It is NOT easy for me to stick with it and do these half days, juice days or even fast days and even the "normal" days are hard for me. I second guess EVERYTHING and if I fail even once I don't want to try anymore. Satan uses this against me, he knows this is my biggest weakness so when I fail he pushes on that sore spot until it bleeds and I am crying. Pray that God's angels would surround me when this happens and the enemy would not succeed in pushing me away from God.
I am a failure....and that is okay because when we fail God prevails. Nothing we can do on this earth can disrupt God's plans and as odd as that sounds I find it very comforting to know that even when I screw up, don't want to walk the path God wants and just generally act like a petulant teenager that doesn't stop God from working his good works. But referring back to what my mom said about God saying HE knows where I am and I am in HIS hands, that gives me faith that I am not forgotten and though I walked off into the mud and mire God has plans to bring me back to Him. I am not lost, I am not forgotten, I am not alone because my FATHER has plans to bring me back to Him. You have no idea how much comfort this gives me, I know on my own I wouldn't go back to him so to know HE has a plan and it is already in motion brings such a peace to my heart.
I am still tired, today I told God I was done...strike me down with a bolt of lightening because I wanted to just get on straight to heaven. Enough with the struggles, the shame, the pants that just DON'T WANT TO BUTTON! I still want to eat food I shouldn't, I still don't like seeing the ugly parts of myself be it physical or spiritual and I sure as heck don't like the idea of fighting the uphill fight anymore.
,My prayer to God:
Father I am putting myself in YOUR hands, you know my heart, you know my desires and you know how wicked my flesh is. I am trusting, I am putting my entire faith, hope and life in your hands that you will put in me a heart after you. Father, reveal yourself to me, open my eyes to who YOU are through this bible study, through my family and friends, through my struggles, through my trials, through my tears and through my triumphs bring me back to you. Jesus name...amen.
God bless!
Justine
