I cannot number the tears that have fallen from my eyes though God has counted every single one. He is drudging into the dark parts of my heart and with a surgeon's hands opening the scarred parts of my soul. It hurts, it aches, it makes me scream out in anger and fear because I don't want to deal with them. But like a wound that festers they need to be opened and cleaned. I wish it didn't hurt so much. I have faced depression and while I was hurt I wasn't fully broken. I have faced loss, the loss of loved ones and the loss of material things but yet I didn't break. Now? What I am face now is breaking me down to the bare bones. I feel open and exposed, all my feelings of safety and comfort in my eyes have been ripped away. I am more broken now than I have ever been. Yet I get the feeling there is even more to come, I am not yet where God wants me.
Father all I ask is that You never give up on me, don't leave me here. Finish what you have started and help me become new in you. I ask for strength for my family as they face this by my side. I have never been one who let people in easily. I have a stubborn prideful streak and I always wanted to do these things on my own. You are showing me there is no room for that if I am to follow you. I need to be dependent, dependent upon You. I need to be weak so You can be my strength and I need to need You. I have known these things but I don't think I ever fully understood the full ramifications of what they meant. I once asked You to break me, to fully break me and mold me into who You wanted me to be.
I thought these past few years you had, I thought that everything I had been through was You breaking me. How wrong I was, You where softening my heart to you but You hadn't even begun to break me or take me down the paths I needed to go. Now all I can do is sit here broken and hurting, trying to trust in You and Your promise to me. You never forsake and You never give up, don't forsake me Father and never ever give up on me.
Love,
Your child
